The Solipsist

Monday Miscellany--Friday Edition

2012-01-27T15:40:00.000-08:00

Earlier today, the number one trending topic on Yahoo! was "Cher Not Dead." Cher's not dead?!? I didn't even know she wasn't sick!

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From the "Was-This-Headline-Really-a-Good-Idea?" file:

"Israel Senses Bluffing in Iran's Threats of Retaliation" (New York Times, January 27, 2012).

To be fair, it's better than the original idea, "Netanyahu Calls Ahmadinejad 'Giant Pussy,' Gives Him Wedgie."

We Are All Insane Now

2012-01-26T18:30:00.000-08:00

In last week's "Trendwatch" we made light of a debate among psychiatrists over whether to change the diagnostic criteria of autism. Yesterday, the Times featured an article discussing another controversy that has arisen during the process of revising the psychiatrist's Bible, the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM): The debate centers on a change to the diagnostic guidelines for depression.

Currently, psychiatrists make an exception for "bereavement" when evaluating a person for depression. In other words, feeling sad because your dog dies or because Newt Gingrich may be the Republican nominee for President is considered "normal" and not a sign of mental illness. At least, not yet. Members of the American Psychiatric Association are considering eliminating the bereavement exemption, the reasoning being that this will enable psychiatrists to make more accurate--and quicker--depression diagnoses. Of course, if this change goes through, it goes one giant step further to pathologizing what most would consider normal human behavior.

Put it this way: Feeling sad when sad things happen is no more a sign of mental illness than feeling happy when good things happen. If someone finds out that the cancer diagnosis he received was a false positive and then finds out that he holds the winning $100 million lottery ticket, should he go into therapy because he can't stop smiling?

Of course, maybe the idea is that only negative feelings need to be eliminated. Sometimes it seems like mental health professionals want to eliminate sadness. A possibly laudable goal, but if the only thing that matters is people feeling good, why not just legalize crack and let people smoke themselves to death in a haze of good feelings?

If someone is so depressed that she can't work or play or even get out of bed in the morning, this may be a sign of mental illness. But if that same someone's mother just died, cut her some slack. Let her experience her grief for a while before classifying her as diseased.

How to Get Ahead with a Minimum of Trying

2012-01-25T19:43:00.000-08:00

At my college, in order to use tutoring services, students need to register for one of a few different classes, depending on the subject for which they want help. The other day, an English-as-a-Second-Language (ESL) teacher came into the center where I work to remind me that the ESL tutoring class had changed from ESL107 to ESL109 (long story--not important). So, when students come into use the center, we need to make sure that they register for the proper class.

At the front desk, we have a computer where students can register for their tutoring classes--well, and any other classes, but, again, not important. On the monitor, we have stuck little labels with the names of the classes, as well as the section numbers. After the ESL teacher reminded me of the class change, I went to the front desk, where three members of my staff were doing whatever it is that they do in a mostly fruitless attempt to look busy. I explained the situation, and asked them to replace the current ESL label with a new label containing the correct information.

Two of the staffers immediately started searching for a label maker: "Do we have a label maker?" "Where's the label maker?" "What does a label maker look like?" "Have you seen the label maker?" After locating the label maker, they began a major examination of said label maker: "How do you put the label stuff in?" "Where's the label stuff?" "Do you know how to load the label stuff?" "I'm going to go look for some label stuff?"

In the fifteen minutes or so that this was going on, the third staffeer had taken a piece of paper, cut it to an appropriate size and shape, written the class information, and taped it to the monitor.

THIS is why some people get ahead in life while others . . . . Others are adorable.

A Bit of Snark for No Good Reason

2012-01-24T17:26:00.000-08:00

Congratulations to all the Academy Award nominees. This year's crop of contenders for the Academy's highest honor includes "The Help," "Tree of Life," and "War Horse," which must be some kind of record for the highest percentage of Best Picture nominees that I have absolutely no desire whatsoever to see. Maybe Eddie Murphy feels the same way?

HEALTHCARE SOLVED!!!!

2012-01-23T19:29:00.000-08:00

WASHINGTON--In an historic decision that will likely end once and for all the healthcare crisis in the United States, congressional leaders and the White House today announced that they had reached an agreement on a single-payer system. That single payer is Mr. Randall McMurtry of Clark Fork, Idaho.

Mr. McMurtry, 48, a forklift operator at a sardine plant, expressed shock and dismay when told that he would be responsible for some $2 trillion per year to ensure basic healthcare for every man, woman, and child in the United States. He continued spluttering even after receiving assurances that administrative savings generated by the single-payer system would likely lower actual costs to something closer to $1.5 trillion. Congressional proposals to exempt Mr. McMurtry from responsibility for Wyoming and Delaware may lower the final bill even more.

Mitt Romney immediately attacked the proposal as just another example of Obamanamian socialism run amok, and Newt Gingrich bit the head off of a kitten.

Whew!

2012-01-22T21:13:00.001-08:00

Worn out.

Giants rule!

That is all.

Rethinking College Sports--A Modest Proposal

2012-01-21T13:54:00.000-08:00

I enjoy sports, and, as a semi-alumnus of Syracuse University, I can get excited about college sports, particularly during March Madness. (Go Orange!) At the same time, I am also a teacher, and I find the overemphasis on sports at colleges and universities ridiculous. Sports are entertainment and an undeniable part of the college experience, but they should not overshadow the main raison d'etre of institutions of higher learning: drug- and alcohol-fueled partying.

But seriously, folks.

An article in the Times ("How Big-Time Sports Ate College Life") rehashes the by-now all-too-familiar fact that big-time college sports programs have become a driving force in higher education. Students often choose colleges because of athletic--not academic--excellence; they neglect academic responsibilities to engage in sports-related activities; and universities spend comparatively obscene amounts of money on sports programs while treating academic programs as budgetary afterthoughts. The article then provides the similarly familiar hand-wringing over what is to be done.

Fans will be fans, and while the tremendous media exposure of college sports has probably inspired increases in student enthusiasm, we shouldn't spend too much time lamenting the amount of energy students devote to rooting on their favorite teams. Those are, ultimately, personal choices. If a student fails a final because he stayed up all night celebrating Duke's victory over North Carolina, that's really of concern to no one other than the student and whoever is paying for his college "education." There is, however, a fairly simple way to restore some balance to the financial side of the equation.

One of the things that infuriates critics of collegiate athletics--and, indeed, annoys even those like Your-Not-So-Humble-Correspondent who enjoy college sports--is the disproportionate amount of money that colleges lavish on athletics. New Ohio State football coach Urban Meyer signed a contract worth a minimum of $4 million a year. According to a 2010 report, Big Ten colleges spent, on average more than six times as much per student on athletics as they did on academics. The institutions will claim that such spending is necessary to remain competitive both in athletics and in student recruitment: If one college doesn't spend the money, another one will, and the first college will suffer as a result. So what's needed is a mechanism to persuade all universities to reduce spending on athletics.

Here's a thought: All colleges and universities, public or private, receive public money, either in the form of student financial aid or grants or subsidies or some combination of all of these. What if a law were passed saying that any college that spends disproportionately on athletics--say, more than twice what it spends per student on non-athletes--becomes ineligible to receive any public funding? Wouldn't it be lovely if, for every athletic scholarship awarded, a college also had to offer a full ride to a promising academic all-star? Such requirements would go a long way towards reaffirming the importance of colleges' academic mission, and they would also provide a great incentive for universities to reconsider their priorities in a more socially constructive way.

The New Season

2012-01-20T15:36:00.000-08:00

I'm sure you've all been waiting for my verdict on the new J. J. Abrams production, "Alcatraz."

On the one hand, it's basically "Lost" set in San Francisco, and instead of a smoke-monster, there are mysterious felons from Alcatraz.

On the other hand, it's basically "LOST" set in SAN FRANCISCO, and instead of a smoke-monster, there are MYSTERIOUS FELONS FROM ALCATRAZ!!!!

So, y'know, I guess I'm going with a thumbs-up.

Thursday Trendwatch

2012-01-19T17:34:00.000-08:00

Starting off our trendwatch is everyone's favorite royal in-law PIPA (10). Yes, Kate Middleton's sister is in the crosshairs of public opinion again: Everyone's really pissed off at her apparently: "Stop PIPA!" "Down with PIPA!" What's really strange about the anti-PIPA movement is that many of these people also seem to want Mexicans to stop eating soup. Many of the "Stop PIPA" protestors are surrounded by people waving signs saying "Stop SOPA!" and the like. Does Pippa Middleton like to eat a lot of soup? In Spain?

What's that?

Oh.

Never mind.

Eddie Brill, a comedian and longtime booker for DAVID LETTERMAN (9), received a demotion for saying that female comedians will "act like men" in order to get gigs. Boy, that is. . . That is. . . Um. . . Wait, why exactly is that a problem? I mean, generalizing about any group--especially a group held in such reverence as female stand-up comedians--can often lead to problems, but I'm not clear on what precisely is so bad about suggesting that these performers "act like men."

Lest you think I am minimizing Brill's affront by decontextualizing, here is his entire quote: "There are a lot less female comics who are authentic. I see a lot of female comics who, to please an audience, will act like men." Since he doesn't even make clear what constitutes "man-like" behavior, this hardly seems like a major insult. And considering the unapologetic raunchiness of female comics like Lisa Lampanelli, Sarah Silverman, and Kathy Griffin, one must at least entertain the possibility that Brill was not only NOT being insulting; he was probably also right.

A new definition of the condition may lead to a major change in the prevalence of AUTISM DIAGNOSES (8). Revisions in diagnostic criteria proposed by the American Psychiatric Association could significantly reduce the number of people who receive a diagnosis of autism. Texas Governor Rick Perry would presumably still qualify.

KHLOE KARDASHIAN (7) has declared that she is NOT exploring fertility treatments, so there is still hope that the Kardashians will not breed. If and when Kardashian DOES have a baby, though, she will not be able to record the blessed event with Kodak equipment, as the venerable company has filed for CHAPTER 11 (6) bankruptcy protection. Yes, we at the Solipsist were just as surprised as you are to hear that Kodak still existed.

JESSICA CAPSHAW (5) of "Grey's Anatomy" is pregnant. Take THAT Khloe Kardashian!

Coming in next is HOPE SOLO (4). This is AWESOME! I didn't know Han and Leia had a baby! That must happen in "Episode 7," which must mean that THERE IS GOING TO BE AN EPISODE SEVEN!!! Oh, Ican'twaitIcan'twaitIcan'twaitIcan'twait! I'm gonna find out where it's going to be playing and I am getting on line to-NIGHT! I--

What's that?

Soccer?

Oh.

Never mind.

JENNIFER GARNER (3) is pregnant. Take THAT, Khloe Kardashian!

And rounding out the trendwatch, San Francisco Giants' ace TIM LINCECUM (2) has requested $21.5 million, but he may have to settle for a mere $17 million is the Giants prevail in arbitration; and country music star MERLE HAGGARD (1) has cancelled some tour dates due to health problems.

Take THAT, Khloe Kardashian!

Heroes Just Ain't What They Used to Be

2012-01-18T16:45:00.000-08:00

When Captain Chesley Sullenberger landed his crippled airplane in the Hudson River a few years back, saving every passenger onboard, he was understandably hailed as a hero. True, one could argue that the captain was simply doing his job, but he certainly performed admirably under a tremendous amount of pressure. No one can begrudge him his moment of national adoration, even if it did lead to an unfortunate increase in the number of children named "Chesley."

To get a sense of how heroism has been devalued, we need only look to Italy.

In the wake of the disaster aboard the Costa Concordia cruise ship, a drama has unfolded, casting two central figures in the roles of celebrated hero and reprehensible villain. The cruise ship's captain, Francesco Schettino, faces public condemnation and possible manslaughter charges for abandoning his post when his ship ran aground (he has claimed that he was actually knocked overboard while overseeing the ship's evacuation). On the other hand, Coast Guard Captain Gregorio de Falco is receiving Sullenbergerian levels of praise for his actions during the disaster, specifically for ordering Captain Schettino back onto his ship. His salty phrase, roughly translated as, "Get back on board, Schmuck!" has become a cultural phenomenon in Italy. T-shirts emblazoned with the phrase are selling like hotcakes--or whatever Italians buy in mass quantities instead of hotcakes. . . olives, maybe?.

Now, if Schettino did in fact abandon ship, he displayed pathetic cowardice. A captain's duty to go down with his ship--or at least make sure that the passengers and crew are safe before leaving--is a time-honored part of maritime law and tradition. But while Captain De Falco should be commended for maintaining his composure and doing his job, I fail to see how his actions merit the label "heroic." It's hardly "heroic" to order someone else to go back into a life-threatening situation. When a fireman runs into a burning building, he displays tremendous bravery and self-sacrifice; when his commander orders him into the building, he is merely doing his job.

In fairness to Captain De Falco, he himself is dismissing any talk of his own heroism. Indeed, that may be his most heroic action of all.

How the Other One Percent Lives

2012-01-17T14:25:00.000-08:00

From the New York Times:

“'I got a little bit of income from my book, but I gave that all away,' Mr. Romney told reporters after an event here. 'And then I get speakers’ fees from time to time, but not very much.'" (Emphasis added.)

The article continues:

"Financial disclosure forms that candidates are required to file annually shows that Mr. Romney earned $374,327.62 in speakers’ fees from February of 2010 to February of 2011, at an average of $41,592 per speech." (Emphasis added, queasiness suffered.)

Must be nice to be able to consider almost $400,000 "not very much."

MLK Would Be Proud

2012-01-16T13:44:00.000-08:00

What a long way we've come in our pursuit of racial tolerance in the US! As columnist Nicholas Kristof reports, a prominent theme in Republican primary rhetoric is that President Obama is a crypto-European socialist. To think, less than three years ago President Obama was a crypto-Kenyan socialist! It is wonderful to see our President misjudged not by the color of his skin, but by the content of his policies!

One (More) Giant Step

2012-01-15T17:14:00.000-08:00

Why were people expecting Green Bay to have an easy time dispatching the New York Giants? Yes, the Packers beat New York a few weeks ago, 38-35. But what people should have taken away from this was that the NFL's best offense, in conjunction with the league's worst defense, had barely eked out a victory. Was the Giants' defense really going to give up 38 points again? Not likely. By the same token, was Green Bay's defense going to give up 35 points? Quite possibly.

Admittedly, the Giants received some breaks--like the fact that Green Bay's receivers seemed to have dipped their gloves in Crisco. But they were also on the receiving end of a couple of ridiculously bad calls, like a clear fumble recovery that was waved off and a "blow to the head" call based apparently on the fact that Aaron Rodgers seemed to nod after being cleanly tackled. So everything balances out in the end.

On to San Francisco!

Strategic Error

2012-01-14T14:40:00.000-08:00

A few year's back, a survey revealed that cabbies held the most potentially fatal job. It should tell you something, then, that a number of Iranian nuclear scientists have recently applied for jobs driving cabs.

Well, maybe not, but I wouldn't be surprised.

On Wednesday, an Iranian scientist was killed when a bomb was attached magnetically to his car during rush hour. The killers, who were riding a motorcycle, got away. This was just the latest such assassination of people involved in Iran's nuclear program. Most international observers suspect that the United States and Israel have played a role in the attacks, and the slick, high-tech nature of the assaults certainly sounds like the kind of thing the CIA or, more likely, the Mossad would pull off. The Mossad don't play.

While the thought of a nuclear-armed Iran is slightly less appealing to an Israeli (or to most Americans) than the thought of eating a Madagascar cockroach, I find myself troubled by this particular strategy--if, indeed, Israel is behind it (more on that later). To disrupt Iran's progress toward nuclear weapons, certain tactics are legal and acceptable--economic sanctions, for example. Other strategies of questionable legality still fall under the heading of morally acceptable. Whoever launched the Stuxnet computer virus against Iranian systems (again, most people suspect Israel and/or the United States), violated international law; however, by avoiding violence and "collateral damage," this action meets certain ethical standards. Once you start assasinating people, however--especially when these people are ostensibly involved in peaceful activities (Iran claims to want nuclear power only for civilian purposes)--you have crossed a line.

I understand that Israel considers a nuclear-armed Iran to be an existential threat, and that the Israeli government will take any steps they can to prevent such an eventuality. I could even see a case being made for assassinations--even though these obviously violate norms of international law. But there are "more or less" acceptable targets for such actions. Military targets, of course: Soldiers and officers have chosen to pursue a career that, by definition, entails a risk of death. Even politicians may be considered fair game, especially when they engage in apocalyptic rhetoric about wiping other countries off the map, for example; I certainly wouldn't shed any tears if Mahmoud Ahmadinejad had an "unfortunate accident." Scientists, however, are not legitimate targets. They are civilians.

Beyond being unethical, targeting scientists would seem to be counterproductive. After all, if Iran feels that its nuclear scientists are being targeted by foreign agents, the government will simply take steps to make sure that these people are under protective custody at all times. Whereas political figures must make public appearances--and therefore put themselves at risk--scientists are under no such obligations. Indeed, the fact that scientists continue to die has caused some to speculate that the Iranian government itself is behind the recent assassinations, killing relatively minor figures in the nuclear industry in order to cast blame on its foreign enemies. That sounds a little far-fetched--Israel has certainly never been shy about violently eradicating perceived threats--but who knows?

Israel has a rough enough time in the court of international opinion. In many respects, this is a result of fanatical anti-Zionism or, indeed, anti-Semitism. But Israel does itself no favors by targeting civilians in other countries for assassination. If the Israelis are doing this, they need to stop.

Regrets, I've Had a Few

2012-01-13T18:59:00.000-08:00

When I was a child, I didn't care for baked potatoes. French fries or nothing! When I think back, now, on all the baked-potato-ey goodness I missed out on--all those gallons of sour cream and bacon bits and butter--I feel a great sense of loss. Those are potatoes I will never get back.

Who Would Jesus Fire?

2012-01-12T18:03:00.000-08:00

I will accept the argument that religious groups have a right to "discriminate" against job applicants whose lifestyles or religious beliefs go against those of the prospective employer. Thus, while I in no way agree with the Catholic or fundamentalist evangelical church's intolerance toward homosexuality (nor, to be clear, do I consider homosexuality a "lifestyle choice"), I support the church's right not to hire an openly gay man as a minister. For that matter, I will even--grudgingly--support these organization's rights to practice such discrimination against such applicants even when they are applying for non-ministerial jobs. A Catholic university, for example, is within its rights if it chooses not to hire an outspoken advocate of abortion rights for a professorship. (I think the university might be on shakier ground if it fired someone for expressing such views, but even then, I could accept the argument.)

The Supreme Court, however, has gone too far in its decision in Hosanna-Tabor Church v. Equal Employment Opportunity Commission. The plaintiff in this case, Cheryl Perich, was fired when she pursued a disability discrimination lawsuit against her employer. To be specific, the church did not fire her because of her disability (narcoloepsy), but because she pursued litigation instead of attempting to resolve the issue within the church. The Supreme Court found in favor of the Church, stating that, in the opinion of Chief Justice John Roberts,

“The interest of society in the enforcement of employment discrimination statutes is undoubtedly important. But so, too, is the interest of religious groups in choosing who will preach their beliefs, teach their faith and carry out their mission.”

The Court's reasoning was based primarily on the idea of "ministry"; in other words, the plaintiff was not entitled to legal protection because she was hired to perform "ministerial" duties. This conclusion itself is debatable, as Perich's job mainly consisted of secular teaching duties. At any rate, however, Perich's duties are beside the point. As far as I can tell, this teacher was fired because she felt discriminated against because of a medical disability (which would be a violation of the Americans with Disabilities Act) and then had the effrontery to pursue her legal rights in court. I fail to see how allowing her the standing to sue her employer, which in this case happens to be a church, somehow infringes upon the church's freedoms. Certainly, as I mentioned above, the church had the right to fire Perich if she had engaged in activities that went against church doctrine, but I don't think suffering from narcolepsy qualifies. People who are "called" to ministry may expect a requirement to conform to church law on doctrinal matters, but they do not therefore surrender all their worldly legal rights.

Performance High

2012-01-11T17:25:00.000-08:00

I can honestly think of no feeling better than performing. No, not even THAT. Standing on stage, receiving applause at the end of a successful show is truly an experience that keeps an actor going--'cause God knows most people don't get a lot of money. I remembered this today while I was teaching. I've been fighting off a cold since the weekend, and yesterday my body surrendered. I couldn't, however, call in sick on account of having scheduled this two-day seminar. I wasn't sure how I would manage, but I needn't have feared: That performance-adrenaline kicked in right quick, and I basically rode it throughout the day. Now, of course, I'm dealing with the post-adrenaline crash, and I need to go burrow under a rock. But if you ever find yourself in need of a quick jolt, may I suggest a little impromptu street theater. Jump up on the nearest surface that resembles a stage and launch into your favorite Shakespearean monologue. It's good for what ails you.

An Addiction by Any Other Name. . .

2012-01-10T18:15:00.000-08:00

When is an addiction not an addiction? When it's a cure.

New research suggests that nicotine patches and gum don't increase the likelihood of someone's quitting smoking; indeed, among heavy smokers, nicotine replacement therapy was associated with a higher likelihood of relapsing than using nothing at all ("Nicotine Gum and Skin Patch Face New Doubt").

I've always thought that nicotine patches and other medicinal addiction cures posed a sort of logical quandary: If you need a drug in order to keep from using a drug, aren't you just substituting one addiction for another? If you get hooked on methadone to keep yourself from using heroin, are you qualtitatively better off? The answer depends on whether the replacement addiction is better for you--or less harmful--than the addiction of choice. I suppose nicotine patches are better for one's lungs--and for the lungs of those around one--than smoking. And rehabilitative drugs like methadone, suboxone, and others certainly provide social benefits if nothing else: Prescribed legally, they provide an imprimatur of social acceptability, suggesting that one has made the decision to improve one's life and battle one's demons. This is no small thing.

The study cited today, however, reinforces the notion that, ultimately, the only way to kick a habit is, indeed, to kick it. I don't minimize the difficulties faced by those who battle addictions. But this study suggests that, when it comes to smoking at least, substitutes for cigarettes don't help one quit, and may simply lead one back to the real thing. Maybe the problem is inherent in the very purpose of nicotine patches and similar "crutches": to minimize the suffering of those trying to quit an addictive habit. I am not suggesting that addicts somehow "deserve" to suffer, but maybe suffering strengthens one's resolve to stay away from the addictive substance. The more pain one has to go through to achieve a goal, the less likely he is to casually relapse--no one wants to suffer needlessly.

Obviously, I'm not a psychiatrist, and I have been lucky enough to avoid addictions. I can certainly be accused of an "easy for him to say" attitude. But if scientific studies cast doubt on scientific (pharmacological) solutions, maybe it is time to face the logic of the situation.

Who Says Crime Doesn't Pay?

2012-01-09T15:36:00.000-08:00

"As for Mr. Poveda-Ortega, in 2008 he escaped a raid on his mansion outside Mexico City in which the authorities detained 15 of his associates and seized hundreds of thousands of dollars, along with two pet lions" ("U.S. Agents Aided Mexican Drug Trafficker to Infiltrate His Criminal Ring").

Now, I am as opposed to drug-trafficking as the next guy--unless the next guy is Pablo Escobar. But, look, how am I supposed to resist the siren-song of the narcotics industry, or convince children of its inherent wrongness, when I hear that drug dealers get to have pet lions?!? That's lionS! With an 'S'! As in, more than one lion!

Here I am, a law-abiding citizen, and do I get a lion? Never mind two lions! No! People tell me I can't have a lion. That it's "dangerous." That lions are "carnivorous." That a lion would "eat" my "face." It's just not fair.

If the powers that be want to make the world of illicit drug trafficking unattractive, then they must offer alternatives. Children should be issued lions--or perhaps dolphins or giraffes--and told that these pets will be confiscated if they (the children) stray from the path of drug-free righteousness. Conversely, we can develop a sort of "Scared Straight" type experience, whereby children who glamorize "thug life" are provided with utterly lame pets like goldfish or dachshunds.

We can all make a difference, people, but we have to start today!

What Do Poets Know?

2012-01-08T15:53:00.000-08:00

Nobel laureate and ping-pong champion William Butler Yeats once said that "poetry makes nothing happen." This is incorrect. I once hurled a Norton Anthology at the head of my cousin Evan. He was never the same.

Robert Frost, who never won a Nobel Prize (loser!), said that "poetry is what gets lost in translation." This, too, is, in fact, my cousin Evan. Perhaps as a result of his poetry-related head injuries, he once engaged in a heated exchange with a group of Maori fishermen. After saying something--no one in his group understood what--Evan was carried off by the Maori, and he hasn't been seen since. His family is growing concerned, so, if you have any information on Evan's whereabouts, please leave it in the comments section.

Today's Double-Speak

2012-01-07T13:41:00.000-08:00

As part of efforts to rein in government spending, the Obama administration has declared its intention to cut the military budget. Considering the fact that the US spends more on the military than practically all other nations combined, this makes sense. Nevertheless, a debate has begun over the potential effects of military cutbacks. National security is an obvious concern, but economists, politicians, and others worry that military spending cuts will increase unemployment and lead to a decrease in technological innovation, the military being a chief driver and consumer of research and development ("A Shrinking Military Budget May Take Neighbors with It").

Many economists point out, however, that military spending actually provides less "bang for the buck" than other forms of government investment:

"Military spending does not compare well economically with many other forms of government spending, some experts say. Professor [Robert]Pollin calculated in a recent analysis that $1 billion in spending on health care produced an economic benefit about 14 percent larger than spending on defense. The impact of spending on transportation, education and energy were even larger."

Case closed? Well, not exactly:

"Some economists, however, argue that such studies fail to account for the economic value of security and stability. The crucial benefit is not what defense spending provides but what it prevents, Joshua Aizenman, a professor of economics at the University of California, Santa Cruz, and Reuven Glick, a researcher at the Federal Reserve Bank of San Francisco, wrote in a 2006 paper."

So, if I understand that last point correctly, the economic benefits of military spending arise not from any increases in productivity generated by the spending, but by "savings" generated by not having to spend money on other things. But, what would these "other things" be? Presumably, the things that military spending prevents are threats to national security--which would necessitate military spending. In other words, spending money on the military reduces the necessity to spend money on the military. Makes perfect sense!

Enjoy that "peace dividend," everybody.

And in Other News, Bacon Is Tasty

2012-01-06T15:57:00.000-08:00

I always get a kick out of seeing headlines like "Big Study Links Good Teachers to Lasting Gain." Maybe I should feel sad: Do people truly find this newsworthy? According to the study, elementary- and middle-school students who have exposure to "good" teachers not only earn more money over the course of their working lives, they are also more likely to enroll in college, less likely to become teenage parents, and grow an average of 3.6 inches taller.

OK, I made that last one up, but, still, the results are impressive.

The controversy arises over what exactly makes a teacher "good." This study looks at "value-added." To put it probably too simplistically, this measures the impact a teacher has on students by looking at student improvement. Thus, if a student scores, say, 60% on a test at the beginning of a semester, and 70% at the end, then the teacher could be said to have "added" ten points to that student's score. Of course, individual student results can vary widely, and there are numerous independent variables other than the teacher that can have an impact on student performance, but if researchers assess an entire class and find an average 10-point increase in student performance on standardized tests, one can make a reasonable argument that the teacher played some part in the students' achievement. The argument becomes stronger if this same teacher consistently achieves this kind of result.

As a teacher, I like the value-added assessment because of its focus on improvement. In a way, it penalizes teachers less for the "quality" of their students than other measurements. If one teacher has a class that scores, on average, 95% on a test, and another has a class that scores 65%, you might conclude that the first teacher is better. On the other hand, if that first teacher's class scored, on average, 94% at the beginning of the semester, while the second teacher's class scored 55%, which teacher did a better job? Of course, the teacher with the "A" students would complain that a value-added system unfairly penalizes her for teaching good students, which shows the importance of multiple-measurements of teacher quality.

At any rate, with the constant attacks on teachers and their unions, it's nice to see some scientific validation of what should be obvious. Good teachers make a difference.

Thursday Trendwatch

2012-01-05T15:00:00.000-08:00

The Trendwatch begins on a somber note this week, with NAVY PILOT KILLING (10) starting us off. On New Year's Eve, John Robert Reeves, a pilot in training killed three people and himself at a party in southern California. Police are unsure what motivated the killing.

On a lighter note, we have the story of EFFIE GRAY (9), a 19th-century Englishwoman who endured a an oppressive marriage to the noted art critic John Ruskin. The story goes that, on their wedding night,

something about his bride — historians still debate exactly what — so horrified Ruskin that the union was not consummated. Ruskin maintained it was her personality that had put him off, but Gray later wrote that her husband "had imagined women were quite different to what he saw I was."

One would have thought that a noted art critic would have, at some point in his life, studied art and, by extension, have some knowledge of basic human anatomy. Of course, maybe that was the problem: We all laugh at Ruskin, but maybe, under all the hoop skirts and corsets, Effie Gray was something other than human! Now THAT would make a good movie. I suspect, however, that is not the approach taken in the upcoming film "Effie," starring Dakota Fanning. Too bad, really.

For those of you non-creative types, resolving to lose weight in this new year, DIET PLANS (8) remain trendy. For those of you more creative types, resolving to avoid costume dramas, see above. And for those of you resolving to avoid all things Kardashian, good luck! You won't even make it all the way through today's Trendwatch, where we find model AMBER ROSE (7) blaming Kim Kardashian for Rose's break-up with musician Kanye West.

Not for nothing, Amber, but have you considered it has less to do with Kim Kardashian than with the Kim Jong-il sunglasses?

VICTORIA GOTTI (6) will compete in the next season of "Celebrity Apprentice," along with "Real" "Housewife" and fellow Trendwatch participant TERESA GUIDICE (4) (thereby laying to rest the rumor that they were the same person).

Other contestants will include two other members of today's Trendwatch, former "Hulk" LOU FERRIGNO (2) and the still hot CHERYL TIEGS (1); Clay Aiken ("American Idol"), Paul Teutul, Sr. ("American Chopper"), and Adam Carrolla (American idiot); comedian Lisa Lampaneli, rocker Dee Snider, former Miss Universe Dayana Mendoza, singer Debbie Gibson, actress-model Patricia Velasquez, actress Tia Carrere, and. . . . Oh, no. . . . Oh, say it ain't so! Sigh. . . George Takei.

I used to think you were cool, Man!

Rounding out the non-Trump-related Trendwatch are BANKRUPTCY PROTECTION (5) and MUIR WOODS (3). The Muir Woods story is interesting because. . .

Oh, screw it! George! What are you thinking? You had totally reinvented yourself as a witty, engaging spokesman for gay rights and a poster of amusing videos on Facebook, and now. . .THIS? Yeah, I know, it's not like Shatner or Nimoy debasing themselves in front of the Donald, but this puts you in the same category as, like, Gary Busey! GARY BUSEY!!! You've written an opera, Man! Have some dignity! Get out while you still can!

Monday Miscellany on Wednesday

2012-01-04T14:20:00.000-08:00

The Iowa caucuses have come and gone, and Rep. Michele Bachmann has suspended her presidential campaign after finishing eighth among the field of six candidates. Her concession speech featured her trademark eloquence:

“The people of Iowa have spoken, and they have written the very first chapter in this long campaign,” she said, not elaborating on her plans. “There are many more paths to be written on the path to the nomination.”

You write those paths, Michele!

Not that the Iowa winner, Mitt Romney, has much to celebrate. He prevailed by eight votes--EIGHT!--over a candidate whose name is literally synonymous with anal froth. If things continue in this manner, Romney could end up winning the presidency by the slimmest margin since George W. Bush won the 2000 election by five votes over Al Gore. (OK, those 5 votes happened to belong to Supreme Court justices, but still . . . .)

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At any rate, even Michele Bachmann had a better new year than this guy:

Click here for video.

So, for all you ladies out there lamenting the fact that "He" just won't pop the question? THAT'S WHY!

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Finally, the governor of Idaho is named C. L. Otter. He prefers, however, to be called "Butch." Because "Butch Otter" sounds SO much better.

I Got Nothin'

2012-01-03T17:58:00.001-08:00

Bloggers' block has struck. I sit here, a citizen of the richest, most powerful nation in the history of civilization, surrounded by the accoutrements of modern technology--the compiled knowledge of every great thinker who has ever lived literally at my fingertips, and I can think of nothing more salient or provocative to say than that I really, really like bacon. I disgust myself sometimes.

Monday Miscellany

2012-01-02T15:59:00.000-08:00

On this second day of election year, I must take a moment to express my joy at the fact that I do not live in Iowa. Not just for the obvious reason--corn--but because I cannot imagine what it must be like to have to deal constantly with the phone calls, mailings, door-to-door canvassing, and for all I know smoke signals of the various candidates vying to make a good showing in tomorrow's caucuses.

Mind you, this is not a partisan commentary. While I'm sure it is easier being a registered Democrat in Iowa this year, when there is no contested primary, I would have found it just as unbearable being beseeched by supporters of Hilary or Barack (or John or whoever else was hanging around) in 2008 as I imagine it is for the folks now being bombarded by representatives of Mitt or Newt or Ron (well, OK, it might be amusing to try keeping a straight face while talking to volunteers of EITHER of the Ricks).

Be strong, Iowans! This will all be over after tomorrow, and you can go back to your accustomed irrelevance.

Your Attention Please

2012-01-01T16:50:00.000-08:00

"Medicines to treat attention deficit hyperactivity disorder are in such short supply that hundreds of patients complain daily to the Food and Drug Administration that they are unable to find a pharmacy with enough pills to fill their prescriptions."
"F.D.A. Finds Short Supply of Attention Deficit Drugs"

Ladies and. . .uh, what? Oh! Sorry. Where was I?

OK. Ladies and gentlemen of the Attention Deficit Disorder Sufferers of. . .what IS that smudge on my note card? It's funny. It looks kind of like one of those clouds? You know, one of those clouds that looks like something? It looks like a cloud that looks like a banana. . . .So, I guess what I'm saying is it looks like a banana. Yeah.

OK, sorry, here we go:

Ladies and gentlemen of the Attention Deficit Disorder Sufferers of America, thank you for. . . . Uh. . . .Hel-LO? Could I have your attention, please?

[LOUD LAUGHTER]

OK, yeah, that IS kind of funny, but, seriously! Could you all just kind of, you know, look this way. . . yes, at me. . . great. . . .

OK. Now, you all know why we're here today. Drug Enforcement Administration policies and corporate greed have created a wholly unnecessary shortage of the ADHD medications that are needed by people like you and me. . . .Should that be 'you and I'? That doesn't sound right. But neither does 'you and me'. . . .I should just say 'us,' shouldn't I? Or shouldn't me? Ha!

Right.

OK, yes, so the DEA wants to make sure that people don't abuse ADHD drugs, so they restrict the amount of drugs that a company can produce. And now a lot of those companies, since they can only produce a certain number of drugs, are producing MORE of their brand name drugs, and LESS of their generics, so even when we CAN get drugs, we sometimes have to pay ten times as much as we would normally pay because we have to buy the brand name instead of the generics and that humming is driving me crazy what the hell IS that? The air conditioning? Can we turn it off? We can't turn it off? Fine. . . . Uh. . . .

OK, so. . ..Hey, where's everybody going? . . . .No, I wasn't finished! We haven't decided what we're going to DO yet, have we? Exactly! If we want to effect change, we have to organize! Just like those Occupy people. We need to occupy something. I suggest the DEA. It's one building, so there's less of a chance for us to get lost. All in favor?. . . All in favor?. . . .I'M CALLING FOR A VOTE HERE, PEOPLE, COULD YOU ALL JUST LISTEN FOR A MOMENT?

Thank you! Now, all in favor? . . . Oh, for God's sake! Of occupying the DEA! Yes, that's what we're voting on! TO GET THEM TO LOOSEN UP THEIR POLICIES, THAT'S WHY!

OK. So we'll meet at the DEA offices tomorrow at 9:00 AM. I want to thank all the people that have stayed for this entire meeting. Thanks, Larry.

Today's Post Brought to You (FINALLY!) by Jiteco

2011-12-31T15:34:00.000-08:00

Finally, someone has recognized the vast reach and influence of Your-Not-So-Humble-Correspondent and is willing to remunerate him appropriately. The other day, I received an e-mail from the good folks at Jiteco:

"Dear The Solipsist," the letter began (such formality! Most people just call me "Solipsist"), "We would like to promote Camtica 4.3.49578 on your blog." In exchange for such promotional consideration, they offered to GIVE me a full copy of the product!

Sign me up!

What's the product? I have no idea. Well, here:

Camtica enables you to create professional screen recordings, presentations, tutorials and more. You can record any desktop activity with voice, webcam and animated mouse clicks. The resulting video can be saved in various formats including AVI and WMV.

Why do you need Camtica?

* To create professional screen recordings, demonstrations, presentations, screencasts, tutorials and more

* To generate effective videos that help you train, teach, sell and more

* To create demonstration videos for any software program

* To show customers how to use your product
* To create on-demand interactive training, tutorials for school or college class

* To create a set of videos answering your most frequently asked questions

* To share your recordings on YouTube, Screencast.com and other videos sites

Features:

* Records entire desktop, selected rectangle region, dynamic region around mouse cursor, webcam

* Records anything on the screen including windows, objects, menus, full screen and rectangular regions

* Records desktop screen with audio and webcam together - personalizing your videos by including a webcam movie of yourself over * your desktop at any position

* Records video chats, Skype video calls, games, flash movies played on sites

* Mouse highlighting spotlights the location of the cursor

* Records video in many video file formats including AVI and WMV

* Supports various video and audio codecs

* Free support and advice

* Free lifetime updates and upgrades

* System requirements: Windows XP/2000/2003/Vista/Windows 7

It’s easy to use as one, two, three.

Sounds good to me. (OK, I still don't exactly understand what the product is, but, hey, FREE!)

Folks, this is big news. For three years now, I've faithfully posted to this blog, enlightening you and bringing just a small bit of joy to your empty, empty lives. And finally I have received that greatest reward to which any blogger can aspire: SWAG! I think my New Year's resolution will involve the prominent mention of commercial products in every post.

Some may accuse me of selling out. To them I say, I've been trying to sell out since early 2009!

A Pre-Emptive Review

2011-12-30T17:50:00.000-08:00

There's a new movie coming out starring Dolly Parton and Queen Latifah. As far as I can tell, the play dueling choir directors. The movie is called "Joyful Noise." It opens some three weeks AFTER Christmas. Draw your own conclusions.

Thursday Trendwatch

2011-12-29T16:51:00.000-08:00

Following the logic that the enemy of my enemy is, at the very least, my frenemy, the Obama administration announced that it would sell F-15 FIGHTER JETS (10) to Saudi Arabia for about $30 billion, which will quickly be returned to the monarchy in exchange for oil. Still, the move makes sense when you consider that Saudi Arabia is a staunch American allies in the volatile Middle East, not like that nasty country from which most of the 9/11 hijackers came, Saudi Arabia.

With all that oil money, perhaps we could interest the Saudis in purchasing some shiny new American houses. They could take advantage of ridiculously low FIXED MORTGAGE RATES (9), which, while finishing the year slightly above their all-time low, nevertheless present an irresistible opportunity to anyone with money to buy a new house. So, y'know, nobody in America, but still. . . .

Coming in at number 8 on the Trendwatch is ALZHEIMER'S.

And, coming in at number 8 on the Trendwatch is ALZHEIMER'S.

Now, some sad news for all you fans of KATY PERRY AND RUSSELL BRAND (7) (the couple, not the individuals, 'cause God knows why anyone would be fans of either one individually). They may be having difficulties. I'm surprised. Not that they're having difficulties, I'm surprised that they're married, but that just shows you the level of my pop-culture knowledge. I suspect the trouble started when Katy Perry spent that "platonic" weekend with Elmo after her infamous "Sesame Street" appearance. Just friends, my eye!

Fear not, though: The world of celebrity romantic entanglements continues to spin with news that ZOE SALDANA (6) is dating Bradley Cooper. How he got all the way to Pandora, I'll never understand.

Today, for those of you who missed it, was DUMP GODADDY DAY (5). The online domain-name company has found itself the target of boycotts because of its initial unwillingness (since disavowed) to oppose SOPA--the Stop Internet Piracy Act--which goes before Congress next month. So, yes: Sexist advertising? Fine. Corporate legislative policy, which, frankly, would seem to have little impact on the legislation under consideration anyway? Boycott 'em! Incidentally, December 29 is also Pepper-Pot Day, a holiday on which we commemorate the soup that the Continental Army ate during the harsh winter of 1777-78. Seriously! More people should know about this holiday. Maybe I'll start a website about it. Wonder if the name Rememberpepperpotday.com is taken? Where could I go to find out. . . .?

PIPPA MIDDLETON (4), having attended numerous weddings this past year, says she herself feels she is "undatable." Has she considered that nobody wants to date someone named "Pippa"?

REGGIE BUSH (3), the Miami Dolphins running back missed practice today. At the same time, he also speculated that he was capable of breaking various football records. Not sure whether one of the records he's shooting for is most practices missed, but, if so, he might have a shot.

I'm going to skip right by number 2 (DEBRA MESSING), 'cause it's just another celebridating story, and I really want to get to number 1, which is ELLY MAE CLAMPETT. This is why I enjoy the Trendwatch. I mean, I can honestly say that I had not given Elly Mae Clampett a thought in the last, oh, ever. And yet, here she is, a fictional character from a 40-year-old TV show, sitting pretty atop the Trendwatch at the end of 2011. What can this possibly be about? If I find out she's dating Tim Allen or something, I just quit!

Well, OK: It seems that Elly Mae--or more precisely, Donna Douglas, who played the character on "The Beverly Hillbillies"--has settled a suit with Mattel over its use of "her" likeness for a Barbie doll. Next, she is going after the people who decided that her character's official outfit should become known as "Daisy Dukes."

Overheard at Target

2011-12-28T20:52:00.000-08:00

"So, if it says 'Buy 4, get 1 free,' that means I get five, right?"

"Right."

"And the FIFTH one is free?"

"Right."

"OK, because I wasn't sure if that meant that the FOURTH one is free."

"OK."

"You could make that clearer, you know."

"I-- Well, maybe, but, did you WANT five?"

"Yes."

"So, why not just bring five to the register and see what happens?"

"That's what I did."

"OK."

"I must have stood in the aisle for five minutes trying to figure that out."

I weep for our generation.

12 Monkeys and a Few Thousand Concealed Handguns--and I'm More Worried about the Monkeys!

2011-12-27T16:39:00.000-08:00

What is the world coming to when I find myself more worried about science than I am about right-wing gun-nuts? I blame the New York Times.

First, I flipped to (well, OK, clicked on) an article entitled "Guns in Public, and Out of Sight," about laws allowing people to carry concealed handguns. Now, being a firm believer in robust gun-control laws, I prepared myself to look down with liberal disdain on the benighted proponents of such barbaric legislation. And the Times' reporter, true to the paper's liberal-leaning editorial policy, clearly intends for the reader to find concealed-carry laws dangerous and wrong-headed. Then I read these paragraphs:

"The New York Times examined the permit program in North Carolina, one of a dwindling number of states where the identities of permit holders remain public. The review, encompassing the last five years, offers a rare, detailed look at how a liberalized concealed weapons law has played out in one state. And while it does not provide answers, it does raise questions.

"More than 2,400 permit holders were convicted of felonies or misdemeanors, excluding traffic-related crimes, over the five-year period, The Times found when it compared databases of recent criminal court cases and licensees. While the figure represents a small percentage of those with permits, more than 200 were convicted of felonies, including at least 10 who committed murder or manslaughter. All but two of the killers used a gun."

Sounds worrisome, no? Well, actually, no.

Consider the numbers: "More than 2,400 permit holders" is of course vague. We don't know how many more than 2,400, but we can assume that it is less than, say, 2,500, or the writer would have said "less than 2,500.." Still, a couple of thousand convicted criminals running around just one state is no small potatoes. Except note that "or" in "convicted of felonies OR misdemeanors." Reading on, we see that, "more than 200 [i.e., less than 300] were convicted of felonies." Well, OK, but still: a couple of hundred felonies committed by gun-wielding reprobates. Except note that only 10 of these felonies were "murder or manslaughter." And "all but two of the killers used a gun."

So another way of looking at this is that, over a five-year period, of the 2,400 crimes committed by people licensed to carry concealed firearms, less than 15% were felonies, and only five percent of these felonies involved the death of a victim--and 20% of the killings were not done with a gun anyway, making the whole concealed-carry permit somewhat irrelevant. So even if we assume causation (which we can't), we can only conclude from this that concealed-carry gun laws led to eight homicides over a five-year period. And note that the reporter stipulates that the 2,400 crimes committed by licensees represents "a small percentage of those with permits."

Obviously, any felonious homicide is unacceptable, but looking at these numbers carefully leaves one with the distinct impression that concealed-carry laws are hardly the threat to public safety that a liberal like me would tend to believe.

Well, OK, maybe I have to think more critically about my position on gun-control, but I can maintain my faith in science as an advancer of human well-being. What;s that? Oh, scientists have figured out a way to genetically alter bird flu so that it can be transmitted through the air? And bird flu is about 50% fatal (compared, say, to the horrific flu pandemic of 1918 which killed about 2% of its victims)? And they are thinking about PUBLISHING the information on how-to-engineer-a-world-killing-virus?

Look, I believe in the free exchange of ideas as much as anybody, but I would suggest that this is one piece of information that should, maybe, be guarded very very very carefully. I mean, the fact that this genetic alteration can be done is scary, if not entirely surprising. But you have to ask yourself who REALLY needs to know HOW to do this? Considering that governments tenaciously guard secrets on things like how to make nuclear bombs, I would think that guarding secrets on something that is exponentially more dangerous to the human race is a no-brainer.

But what do I know? After all, I'm beginning to think concealed-carry laws may not be such a bad thing. Next thing you know, I'll be supporting Rick Perry for President. The man does have nice hair.

Enter: The Lemur!

2011-12-26T16:01:00.000-08:00

From today's Times comes the news that ordinary citizens are taking the law into their own hands ("Crusaders Take Page, and Outfits, from Comics"). Unlike tacky vigilantes of yore, though, today's citizen-crimefighters are doing things right: They are donning ridiculous costumes and patrolling the mean streets of metropolises like Salt Lake City, armed only with cellphones and an inflated sense of their own imperviousness to grievous personal injury.

I am inspired!

Our streets are not safe! The police cannot control the city! The time has come for ordinary citizens and self-promoting bloggers to enter the fray, casting aside concerns for personal safety and common sense. Like the costumed heroes of Utah's Black Monday Society--ordinary citizens who have declared war on crime and apathy--I shall take it upon myself to uphold all that is good!

Now, all I need is a costume. . . . Let's see. Criminals are, by nature, a superstitious and cowardly lot, so my disguise must be able to strike terror into their hearts. I must become a creature of the night, dark, dangerous, mysterious. Ah. Of course. I shall become a lemur.

Scampering around the city by night--not too late, though, 'cause I have to go to work in the morning--I shall harass and confound the criminals who plague our fair city. I shall snatch sunglasses and baseball caps and run quickly up nearby trees or telephone poles, waving my trophies tauntingly while, below, frustrated felons howl in impotent rage.

Fear not, good citizens. The Lemur is on the case!

Well, right after dinner, anyway.

Season's Greetings

2011-12-25T14:51:00.000-08:00

Kenzaburo Oe, winner of the Nobel Prize in literature, once said something in Japanese, which I do not speak. I can only assume, therefore, that it was something poignant about Christmas.

My Christmas has been somewhat disappointing, as WOS refused to get me what I truly wanted:

I mean, the "Forever Lazy" even has a flap in the back so you can, y'know, do your business without excessive inconvenience! WOS thinks they're stupid and embarrassing, though. She did, however, get me a gift card to a major retailer, so I may be able to find one there.

Still, it's not about the gifts, right? It's about family and togetherness and watching movies and eating Chinese take-out (well, for the New York Jewish contingent, anyway). Wherever you may find yourself this holiday season, here's hoping you got whatever you wanted and enjoyed a pleasant and peaceful day.

A Solution in Search of a Problem

2011-12-24T13:25:00.000-08:00

You've got to love the Republican Party--and by "love," I mean "roll your eyes at the cynical political machinations of." Unwilling to propose policy addressing the actual problems of our society--foreclosures, mass unemployment, obscene levels of income inequality--the GOP instead goes out of its way to propound solutions to the non-existent problem of "rampant" voter fraud. Since the 2010 elections, "more than a dozen states have passed laws requiring voters to show photo identification at polls, cutting back early voting periods or imposing new restrictions on voter registration drives" ("New State Rules Raising Hurdles at Voting Booth"). Yesterday, the Justice Department announced that it would challenge one such rule in South Carolina.

In theory, voter-identification laws sound reasonable: In order to safeguard our democracy, we should embrace legislation that seeks to ensure that only those eligible to vote are allowed to vote. Voter ID laws, therefore, make sure that fraudulent voters cannot sway an election. But, as many have pointed out, there is no evidence that this has happened. Indeed, we could frame the issue differently and say that, in order to safeguard democracy, we should embrace legislation that seeks to ensure that anyone eligible to vote CAN vote. Such legislation would give voters the benefit of the doubt and allow them to cast a ballot at least provisionally. Either type of legislation has merits.

The fact, though, is that Republicans largely support the first type of legislation, which suggests that they feel confident that the vast majority of those who would be found ineligible under such legislation would be unlikely to support Republican candidates or causes. Indeed, one of the more. . .amusing provisions, from Texas, would allow concealed-handgun licenses to be used for identification but not student ID cards. Seriously, why not just say that a Republican Party membership card meets the ID requirements, while a Democratic one will not only prevent one from voting but lead to temporary detention?

"Republicans, who have passed almost all of the new election laws, say they are necessary to prevent voter fraud, and question why photo identification should be routinely required at airports but not at polling sites." Well, probably because the threat of hijacking an airplane is literal, while the hijacking of our democracy is at most a metaphorical--and most likely an illusory--threat.

If Republicans are so concerned about threats to democracy, why are they not more incensed at the disproportionate electoral clout wielded by the wealthy and corporations? Or are logos considered an acceptable form of voter identification?

Bah!

2011-12-23T18:07:00.001-08:00

Sorry, but I'm feeling kind of grumpy these days. Every time I turn on the TV it seems like I have someone else in my face telling me to think of those less fortunate, remember those less fortunate. Those less fortunate get all the breaks! Why won't somebody think about me?

That is all.

Thursday Trendwatch

2011-12-22T17:58:00.000-08:00

Much as we hate to do so, we must begin today's Trendwatch in Europe, where TURKEY AND FRANCE (10) have come to the diplomatic equivalent of blows over France's passage of a law declaring it "a crime to deny that the mass killings of Armenians by Ottoman Turks nearly a century ago constitute genocide." This is a sensitive subject for the Turks, who prefer to refer to the mass killings of 1915 as merely a "large-scale de-lifing." While I sympathize with the French decision, and agree that Turkey should face up to its past, uh, indiscretions, I have no great enthusiasm for laws that restrict free speech. If people want to deny the Armenian genocide--or, indeed, the Holocaust--they are free to do so, and everybody else is free to subject them to the scorn and ridicule that they deserve. Besides, is there some enormous wave of Frenchmen running around denying the Armenian genocide?

Maybe San Francisco can pass a law criminalizing the disparagement of ALEX SMITH (9). Not that this is much of a problem anymore. At least for now, the previously maligned 49ers quarterback would seem safe from criticism, with the team having already clinched their division and cruising toward the playoff. Smith should remain above criticism until at least mid-January and the inevitable evisceration by Green Bay. The Packers not only have a nearly unstoppable offense and strong defense, they also have an added advantage: access to Wisconsin cheese. According to a new study, cheese provides surprising benefits in a person's LDL CHOLESTEROL (8) level (that's the bad one).

In fairness, the "benefits" are relative: Cheese is "better" than butter for a person's LDL cholesterol levels. So, if you were considering drinking a big ol' glass of butter, you might want to consider shotgunning some Cheez Wiz instead.

The Solipsist sends its best wishes to the family of ETTA JAMES (7). The 73-year-old singer has been hospitalized with incurable leukemia.

Ms. James has suffered from a series of illnesses over the last several years, including dementia and kidney failure, and we hope she and her family can find some peace at last.

In lighter news, the husband of "real" housewife of "New" Jersey, TERESA GIUDICE (6), has been arrested for pretending to be his own brother. Seriously, I know nothing about this show, but I can understand wanting to change one's identity to avoid being associated with it. I just think the guy should have looked beyond his own family. Kind of defeats the purpose, you know. . . .

Coming in at number 5 are INVESTMENT STRATEGIES, which I guess means it's time for the Solipsist's Can't-Miss-Investment of the week: I recommend putting everything into. . . LLAMAS! You're welcome.

BRITNEY SPEARS (4) is in the news. Again. For getting married. Again. Her first ex-husband, Jason Alexander (no, not THAT Jason Alexander) thinks her latest engagement is a scam.

Well, he would say that! After his own 17-minute marriage to Britney, ANY future relationship the pop-princess would pursue would necessarily seem sham-like, but, Jason, you can't expect a girl to stay single forever! Shame on you!

And shame on CHRISTIAN BALE (3)! At least, that's what the Chinese authorities are saying. Last week, Bale stirred up some trouble when he had the audacity to try and visit a human-rights activist while in China doing publicity for a movie that was financed by the Chinese government. When he tried to meet Chen Guangcheng, simply to shake the man's hand, Bale was physically stopped by a group of government-backed guards, an altercation captured by a CNN film crew. It should be noted that Chen is not in prison and is thus, in theory, free to meet and/or be visited by whomever he wants. But still, the Chinese government is right! Christian Bale SHOULD be ashamed of himself! I haven't heard of such outrageous, offensive behavior since that time Bono gave a thumbs-up to Nelson Mandela! Celebrities!

I think China should throw the book at Christian Bale! Maybe he can share a cell with "American Idol" runner-up ADAM LAMBERT (2), who was arrested in a bar-brawl in Finland. I'm sure. . .one of them would learn. . .some kind of lesson.

And speaking of learning lessons, CALLISTA GINGRICH (1) will need to learrn some lessons about Twittequette. The aspiring First Lady has taken to Twitter to bash Mitt Romney, making fun of him for, among other things, his unseemly displays of wealth--this from the woman who, along with her husband, had a half-million dollar credit line at Tiffany's. By the way, wasn't Callista Gingrich the name of the Necromancy Professor at Hogwarts?

Word of the Day: "Like"

2011-12-21T16:18:00.000-08:00

Whenever Facebook introduces changes, people invariably complain. At the risk, however, of causing major consternation in the social networking world, I would like to suggest a much-needed innovation. Something needs to be done about the "Like" button.

As Facebookers know, when responding to someone's status or other postings, you currently have the option to leave a comment or, if you want to acknowledge the post without making the effort to write actual sentences, you can simply "Like" the entry. This involves the highly complex procedure of clicking a button labeled "Like." Interestingly, on Facebook, "Liking" is an active process: Once you "Like" something, the "Like" button changes to "Unlike," suggesting that, while you may instantly forget whatever it is you've just "Liked," you do, in some sense, continue "Liking" it indefinitely, as if in some remote corner of your subconscious, you continuously appreciate the fact that, say, your friend had a delicious dinner with Ralph and the kids.

Maybe you do.

At any rate, a problem arises when you wish to acknowledge a posting, a comment, a status update--when silence seems callous--and you don't really have anything to SAY about the post--words are superfluous--but somehow "Liking" seems inappropriate or insufficient. Currently, you have no other options.

Twenty-three years ago today Libyan terrorists planted a bomb on Pan Am flight 103. The plane blew up over Lockerbie, Scotland, killing everyone onboard as well as several people on the ground. Thirty-five passengers on the flight were students from Syracuse University, including several friends and acquaintances of mine. As you might imagine, several of my Facebook friends, also from Syracuse, have posted memorial comments on their walls today. And I have nothing to add.

So I "Liked" the posts. What else could I do?

Now I'm not suggesting that Facebook should--or even could--add buttons to express every possible emotional reaction to a friend's piece of news, much less to express the complex emotions one feels when confronted with important reminders of somber occasions. But an "Agree" button would be a welcome addition. Or even just a simple "Yes."

As for those people on Pan Am 103, especially Theo and Miriam, let me just say for now and always, "Like."

Fun with Lawsuits

2011-12-20T16:29:00.000-08:00

"At the heart of the disputes are the kind of small but convenient features that would cause many people to complain if they were not in their smartphones. For example, the case decided Monday involves the technology that lets you tap your finger once on the touch screen to call a phone number that is written inside an e-mail or text message. It also involves the technology that allows you to schedule a calendar appointment, again with a single tap of the finger, for a date mentioned in an e-mail."
--"U.S. Backs Apple in Patent Ruling That Hits Google"

In response to the ruling, makers of android phones have promised to alter the technology so that it requires one and one half finger-taps. Meanwhile, in a countersuit, android manufacturers are suing Apple over the appearance of the word "android" in online dictionaries included as free apps for iPhones. Washington is also suing Apple over the company's use without permission of the state's iconic fruit as both its corporate name and, by implication, as the nickname of downloadable features. The Seattle tribe of Native Americans is in turn suing Washington State, but, as usual, no one is paying any attention.

Meanwhile, back in the mobile-phone-and-app arena, a group of ornithologists is suing Zynga for defamation on behalf of birds everywhere, who insist they are not angry, merely anti-pig. Last year, the National Association of Pig Farmers settled with Zynga for an undisclosed amount. The Solipsist will file a suit against Google next week for its continuous snubbing of this column as a "Blog of Note."

The Arab League is also suing mobile phone manufacturers for their unlicensed use of the numerals 1 through 9 on keypads.

Monday Miscellany

2011-12-19T15:24:00.000-08:00

MIXED BLESINGS

'Tis the season when teachers--even the most inept, mean, or solipsistic ones--receive Christmas cards and/or thank-you notes from their students. And nothing warms the cold, cold heart of a writing teacher quite so much as receiving a warm, deeply felt thank-you card riddled with grammatical and spelling errors.

****************************************************************
LET ME EAT THEIR CAKE

The hot new dessert trend seems to be "cake pops"--a pastry-lollipop hybrid that, when sold at places like Starbucks provides all of the overpricing at half the calories. Last night, I saw an ad for "Bake Pops," a do-it-yourself cake-on-a-stick kit. In the commercial, a housewifey-looking type explained that she "used to feel guilty when [she] ate a whole piece of cake."

I know how she feels. I often feel guilty when I eat a whole piece of cake--especially when the kid I took it from won't stop crying!

It's the internet's world; we just bulk up in it

2011-12-18T18:00:00.000-08:00

An interesting juxtaposition on the front page of today's "Sunday Review" in The New York Times.
We are nearing a point--if we have not already reached it--when the internet is no longer something we log onto, but something we exist within ("The Internet Gets Physical"). The development of sensor technology allows or will allow your refrigerator to order milk from the store when you're running low, hospital rooms to remind doctors to wash their hands before and after touching patients, and bridges to let structural engineers know that they are in need of repair in a way more congenial than the time-honored method of collapsing unexpectedly. All of which sounds good, even as it does remind one disconcertingly of "I Have No Mouth, and I Must Scream"" (Harlan Ellison. Read it) or Skynet (which was, I believe, based on "I Have No Mouth, and I Must Scream"). We seem well on our way to the Kurzweillian "Singularity"--that point at which we can ditch the meaty encumbrances we call bodies and simply upload our essential selves into a vast electronic consciousness.

And yet, at the same time, we have become ever more obsessed with the maximization of our brute physicality. According to sportswriter Steve Kettman, testosterone supplements are not just for athletes anymore ("Are We Not Man Enough").Perhaps inspired by the sight of godlike--if puffy--sluggers shattering baseball's records, growing numbers of men are becoming aware of the benefits of increased testosterone--and the ravages of "Low T" syndrome. Juicing is the new normal.

Is the obsession with physical enhancement--whether through testosterone injections, breast implants, or other more-or-less societally acceptable tweakings of the human form--perhaps a backlash against our diminishing reliance on our physical bodies? As our physical selves become more superfluous, do we feel a need to assert our essential beings through greater emphasis on that which clearly separates us from the realm of pure thought?

Descartes famously said, "I think, therefore I am" (only he said it in Latin, so nobody could understand him). It's looking, though, like "thought" will soon no longer be solely an activity of mankind. Perhaps that which truly separates man from machine is not intellectual but physical achievement. I juice, therefore I am.

But as we become more wired, and more of the things that used to require human intervention can n

Hoist By My Own Petard

2011-12-17T18:26:00.000-08:00

Solipsist: I know what I'm getting you for your birthday!

WOS: What?

SOL: Well, Justin Bieber has a new perfume!

WOS: (Sigh.)

SOL: You don't want to smell like Justin Bieber?

WOS: No, I don't want to smell like Justin Bieber!

(Pause)

SOL: Well, actually, you wouldn't smell like Justin Bieber, you'd just-

WOS: Smell like something he'd like to smell, yeah, I got that. No, I still don't want the perfume.

(Pause. SOL begins to look annoyed.)

WOS: What's wrong?

SOL: Nothing.

(Pause. SOL continues to look annoyed.)

WOS: What's wrong?!?

SOL: Nothing! It's just. . .

WOS: What?

SOL: Well. . . I remember reading something about Justin Bieber, and I remember it mentioned some stupid nickname that his fans were called. . . and I was going to call you that. . . but I can't remember what the nickname was.

WOS: Oh.

SOL: Yeah.

WOS: Can't help you there.

SOL: Yeah, I know. It's really annoying me.

WOS: Well, that's what you get.

SOL: Yeah.

(NOTE: For the record, WOS is most emphatically not a Justin Bieber fan. That's what makes it a funny funny joke. Just wanted to clarify that.)

The Ghosts of Facebook Past

2011-12-16T18:07:00.000-08:00

In my writing class, we had a textbook with an exercise designed to help students identify problems with audience and tone--or maybe it was just meant to be humorous. Anyway, this exercise featured sentences from (supposedly) actual job application letters, all of which demonstrated problems. The students were supposed to explain where the applicant had gone wrong. The problems ranged from misspellings and grammatical mistakes to inappropriate comments (e.g., "I don't do well working in groups"; "While I have held fourteen jobs in the last two years, I have never been fired"; and so on). One of the inappropriate lines I always appreciated was: "References: None. I have left a trail of destruction behind me."

Now, I understand why the textbook authors included this sentence, and I get why it's technically inappropriate. But I have to say, if I were an employer, and I got a cover letter with that sentence, I would want to meet that person. After sifting through piles and piles of standard, inoffensive, perfectly appropriate applications, I would be intrigued by this person who is either a complete idiot or someone who took a chance on a fundamentally unconventional approach. Either way, it would make for an interesting interview.

All of which, I guess, is basically my way of saying, Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke.

I thought of this today as I was reading about Facebook's new "Timeline" feature, which will apparently allow you--and, by extension, anyone who has access to your profile--to view everything you've ever posted on the website. Many people are up in arms either because (A) some people have made a hobby out of complaining about any changes to Facebook--which is kind of stupid because it's a free site; (B) they worry about privacy issues--which, again, is kind of stupid because the things you post on your Facebook are, well, things that YOU post on YOUR Facebook; or, (C) because they fear repercussions when, say, potential employers or sexual partners can look at things you posted five years ago when you were younger and stupider and which make you look bad now.

That last concern is understandable, especially for people who first joined Facebook as, say, hedonistic college freshmen and who are now applying for jobs in the Republican Party. OK, bad example, but you get the point. Remember, though, that employers are people, too, and they will come to understand that a few youthfully indiscreet photographs posted years ago are simply examples of the kind of rambunctious shenanigans in which anyone might take part. Indeed, they might become wary of applicants with suspiciously innocuous online personalities.

Remember, employers, you may have to live with this hire for some time. You might consider going for people who seem like they'll be fun around the water cooler.

Thursday Trendwatch

2011-12-15T17:21:00.000-08:00

It occurs to me that anyone who needs Yahoo! to tell them that HOLIDAY CARDS (10) are currently a trendy topic probably isn't trendy enough to be on the interwebs in the first place. The same could be said about FORECLOSURES (9), except for the refreshing news that foreclosures are down significantly from the same period last year. Whatever refreshment one feels, though, is tempered by the realization that the main reason for the slowdown was the fact that banks were pretty much forced to cease and desist after the uproar over "robo-signers": robots from the future that came back in time to authorize foreclosures and kill Sarah Conner. It looks like foreclosures will shoot up again next year--unless, of course, we find out that banks have engaged in even more recklessly illegal activities. So, y'know, it's a 50-50 kind of shot.

Morning people--at least morning women--seem to be at lower risk for DEMENTIA (8), according to a new study. People who are more active in the morning were significantly less likely to develop signs of dementia or mild cognitive impairment. They also displayed greater worm-catching abilities.

A grotesque ELEVATOR ACCIDENT (7) claimed the life of a woman in New York City the other day. In what sounds like a sketch for a scene in the next installment of "Final Destination," the 41-year-old was killed after she stepped onto an elevator that suddenly, unexpectedly, and violently shot up, pinning her between the elevator and the wall of the elevator shaft. Investigators are trying to figure out what went wrong.

From the tragic to the. . . inane?. . .HOWARD STERN (6) will replace Piers Morgan as a judge on NBC's "America's Got Talent." I guess NBC wanted to class things up a bit. And speaking of people who have fallen out of the national consciousness, ANNA CHLUMSKY (5) of "My Girl" fame has made the trendwatch in recognition, I guess, of her ability to grow from an attractive tween into an attractive adult. (Well, at any rate, far more attractive than you would expect something called "chlumsky" to be.)

Still marveling over holiday cards? Well, hurry down to number 4, where you will find UNIQUE GIFT IDEAS. The top three unique gift ideas are as follows: a vial filled with the ebola virus; ocelot cutlers; and a lifetime subscription to "The Solipsist" (including an official Solipsist, "I'm With No One" t-shirt. If you'd rather go with a gag-gift, you could always buy your friend GOLDEN STATE WARRIORS (3) tickets.

Someone keeps putting ZOOEY DESCHANEL (2) on the trend list, and I can only assume it's to annoy me. It won't work! I'll just ignore her and zip on down to the number-one trendiest topic of this moment in the space-time continuum, SOFIA VERGARA, who received a Golden Globe nomination for her role in "Modern Family." On the show, she plays a stunningly gorgeous Latina with a funny accent. I have no idea how she manages to pull that off.

Kaj Vi Thought Esperanto Estis Stulta

2011-12-14T15:43:00.000-08:00

Today's word is "Conlanger," a "person who constructs new languages." (I can't help but wonder if the presence of the word "con" has any significance.) Apparently, the field of conlangering is one of the nation's fastest growing professions, right up there with nurse and Republican presidential candidate, because of the proliferation of science-fiction and fantasy films and TV shows that want to add a bit of verisimilitude to their productions by incorporating the native tongues of various alien or otherwise mythical civilizations. No longer is it acceptable for Klingons, Romulans or other alien entities to enter our quadrant of the universe from an intergalactic wormhole, de-cloak their starfighter, teleport aboard the Enterprise, and proceed to vaporize redshirts with handheld photon blasters, all the while speaking perfect English.

Because it's the fact that they speak ENGLISH that makes the whole thing unbelievable.

And it's not good enough simply to throw together a bunch of random syllables, hoots, and warbles. Today's discerning science-fiction nerd--uh, fan--will see right through that. Instead, today's producers hire linguistic specialists to construct full-fledged languages, complete with grammatical rules and expansive vocabularies. In other words, these are languages that people can actually learn and speak--and a handful of people do. According to an estimate Marc Okrand, who invented Klingon and must therefore be considered the Isaac Newton of Conlangers, approximately 20 people worldwide are completely fluent in Klingon (for the record, Okrand is not one of them). At the same time, thousands of people know enough Klingon "to get by."

I'll end today's column here so you can ponder the ramifications of that last phrase.

School for Scoundrels

2011-12-13T17:16:00.000-08:00

Last week, while reading an article about the lobbying efforts of for-profit education providers and growing steadily angrier, I was brought up short by the following:

"In a coordinated approach that also included Capitol Hill protests, petition drives, newspaper ads and more, industry advocates stressed that jobs. . .would be lost if the institutions were put out of business. They questioned why nonprofit schools were untouched. And they accused the administration of highlighting some abuses to stigmatize an industry that educates second-chance students shunned by traditional academia."
("With Lobbying Blitz, For-Profit Colleges Diluted New Rules")

Right! Pity the poor unfortunate students cast aside by the unfeeling guardians of the ivory tower!

Let's talk about these "second-chance students shunned by traditional academia." Certainly, not everyone possesses the intellectual chops to flourish at Harvard or Berkeley or the University of Chicago. Indeed, even lesser institutions of higher learning prove daunting to students who may well have struggled through high school or GED programs. But there is an option for these students--an option that doesn't require students to take out massive loans or receive huge taxpayer-financed subsidies: It's called community college.

As I've mentioned before in this space, a student at a California community college can currently complete an entire associates degree (60) units for a little under $1,800; tuition costs are scheduled to increase, but a 60-unit associates degree will still cost under $2,500. More to the point, many of these "second-chancers" pursue not degrees, but certificates--certificates that will enable them to pursue employment in the very vocational fields like automotive repair and culinary arts in which many of these for-profit schools specialize. A certificate is typically about 18 units--or less than $800 in tuition, even taking into account the new, higher costs. Compare this to the thousands of dollars typically charged by a for-profit institution. Even an at-risk, second-chance student can do that math.

Market fundamentalists need to accept the fact that there are some things that for-profit enterprises do not do well. One of those things is education. There is an inherent contradiction in the mission of an organization that needs to maximize profits while providing a service that--if done right--may dissatisfy its clients. And there is a problem when private profits are generated by the provision of public funds: The whole reason those lobbyists are lobbying is to ensure that their clients can continue to offer financial aid packages including federal student loans.

In the case of for-profit education, you get far less than what you pay for. Stick to the public schools, and you'll get far more.

Monday Miscellany

2011-12-12T16:49:00.000-08:00

What, exactly, does Dr. House do with all of his time? In a typical episode, he'll brainstorm with his team for about five minutes, banter with Wilson for five minutes, see a couple of patients in the clinic, and maybe--maybe--spend a few minutes in his patient's room. What does he do with the rest of the day? Even if he writes a daily entry in a mordant, self-absorbed blog, that would only account for another seven minutes.

The 24/7 Rat Race

2011-12-11T18:42:00.000-08:00

Today's Times featured a front-page story about high-flying traders--you know, the type who destroyed the world economy a few years back--who get up in the wee small hours of the morning to get a jump on the day's trading: They don't want to sleep through the opening bells in the euro zone, you see. I imagine some of these folks probably alter their sleep cycles to keep pace with markets in Asia.

Does it make me a bad person that I take some satisfaction in knowing that the sleep debt these guys--and they are mostly guys--rack up will probably lead to a great deal of personal suffering and, perhaps, premature death?

Turn off your Bloomberg terminals! Go to sleep! Maybe you'll dream of a way to do something productive with your lives!

Thursday Trendwatch--Saturday Edition

2011-12-10T15:01:00.000-08:00

When I was a yeshiva boy, we always bought HANUKKAH CANDLES (10) through my school. The boxes contained the exact number of candles needed for the eight-night holiday. On the first night of Hanukkah, observant Jews--as well as others who simply like to look at shiny things--light two candles, and each subsequent evening calls for the addition of one candle. Those members of Solipsist Nation preparing for the SATs can figure out the total number of candles for themselves. For the benefit of those of you NOT interested in math, we will forego commentary on TAX PLANNING (9) and OIL PRICES (8).

We hope this will not lead to accusations of APPEASEMENT (7), of which one Yahoo! contributor has accused President Obama. Apparently, this commentator feels that Obama's withdrawal from Iraq and his coddling (?) of Iran constitute Chamberlainian acts of weakness. Granted, we haven't started bombing Iran--yet, but I hardly see how the establishment of sanctions on Iran--to say nothing of Syria and Libya--and the killing of various terrorist leaders around the world, including a guy named bin Laden, constitute appeasement. This writer keeps using that word, though; I do not think it means what he thinks it means. . . .

Okay, ladies, ASHTON KUTCHER (6) has turned down an invitation to spend New Year's Eve with Lea Michele, his co-star in "New Year's Eve." No doubt he has heard about the unfortunate incidents that occurred way back when Jamie Lee Curtis accepted an invitation to spend Halloween with her "Halloween" co-star, Donald Pleasance. Meanwhile, Rainey Qualley (Rainey Qualley?), the daugher of ANDIE MACDOWELL (5), has been named "Miss Golden Globe" for 2012. I have no idea what this means, but I suspect this is an honor slightly greater than winning a Golden Globe.

According to Miss Manners, you must take several things into account when juggling numerous HOLIDAY INVITATIONS (4). While it is all right to accept multiple invitations, one must strive to remain at each stop for a certain "minimum" time: about 45 minutes for drinks but for the entire meal at a dinner party. (I wonder if Ashton Kutcher consulted the etiquette expert before publicly refusing an invitation fro,m his RomCom co-star?)

Speaking of etiquette, how long does propriety require one to wait after a divorce before diving back into the dating pool? I ask on behalf of KRIS HUMPHRIES (3). I have no inside information on whether the basketball "star" and former Mr. Kardashian has started seeing anyone. But I am concerned that, if he starts dating too soon, it could call into question the sincerity of his marriage, and I would hate to see the sanctity of this romance for the ages besmirched by any premature gallivanting on the part of Humphries.

If he IS back on the dating market, maybe the newly single "Glee" star DIANNA AGRON (2) would be interested. Then she could totally screw with Lea Michele: "Ha, ha! I'm dating Kris Humphries and you got dissed by Kut-cher! Neener, neener, billy goat!"

I'm pretty sure that's what she would say.

Finally, ELLIE KEMPER (1), of "The Office" is engaged to a former writer for Conan O'Brien.

Since I've only watched up to, like, season 5 of "The Office," I'm not exactly sure who Ms. Kemper is, but I wish her the best. I wonder if she'll invite Ashton Kutcher to the wedding.

NOT Dinnertime Reading

2011-12-09T18:05:00.000-08:00

Last night on "The Colbert Report," Stephen reported on a new treatment for people suffering from a lack of beneficial bacteria in their guts--

--Now, before I go on, I want to emphasize once again that this is NOT appropriate reading if you are eating dinner. . . . or if you are planning to eat dinner. . . ever.

--As I was saying: A new treatment for people suffering from a lack of beneficial intestinal bacteria: Fecal transplants!

Yes, it's exactly what it sounds like: Doctors take fecal matter from healthy people and transplant it into the digestive tract of the afflicted.

I had actually heard of this treatment before. What I had NOT heard was the fact that, apparently, the method of transplantation is, well, oral. For some unimaginable reason, the helpful bacteria can not simply be injected into the intestine: They must be swallowed. As Stephen commented, doctors can now write prescriptions for people to "Eat shit and LIVE!"

What I don't understand is this: People who suffer from the lack of helpful parasites can hardly manage to eat anything. One woman mentioned that, for a year, the only thing she could keep down was crackers and water.

Now, if you can barely stomach crackers and water, how the hell are you going to manage to swallow a big helping of poop?

Oh, and, I apologize.

Not That It Matters to ME, Of Course. . .

2011-12-08T19:33:00.000-08:00

On commercials for the impotence-fighting drug Cialis, the voice-over warns that men should "avoid drinking alcohol to excess" when taking Cialis.

So. . . which drugs ALLOW you to drink alcohol to excess?

This Is Maybe a Test

2011-12-07T17:43:00.000-08:00

How not to run an evacuation drill:

Yesterday, we who work in the library at my college were informed that there would be an evacuation drill today. Of course there would. It's the week before finals, everyone is stressed out and rushed--let's practice running out of a building! Anyway, the emergency services folks told us that the drill would occur sometime before noon, most likely around 11:00.

Yesterday, coincidentally, I became aware of the fact that I was actually a building monitor, responsible for assisting during things like evacuation drills. Fair enough. I studied up, did some stretching, took a Xanax, and felt fully prepared to take part in today's festivities.

Now, funny thing: Contra Costa County has a number of refineries and chemical plants on its outskirts. Not coincidentally, the county also has a sort of early-warning system of sirens placed throughout the area that sound an alarm in the event of a leak. When the siren goes off, people are supposed to "shelter-in-place," i.e., get inside and stay inside until the all-clear is given. I've never actually heard the alarm go off for real. However, on the first Wednesday of every month, at 11:00 AM, the system is tested and the alarm sounds. Today, the first Wednesday in December, was no exception. At 11:00 on the dot, the alarms sounded as they always do.

Now, everybody KNOWS about regular, monthly shelter-in-place siren-testing. So, at 11:00, when the county-wide siren went off, I looked up briefly and then went back to what I was doing--let's say working. So did everybody else.

Well, almost everybody else. I heard a ruckus coming from the other side of the library and went to investigate. The head librarian, a somewhat. . .excitable sort, was going through the library telling everybody to get out of the building immediately! We needed to evacuate.

I made the mistake of approaching and asking whether she was SURE this was the evacuation drill?

"Yes, this is it!"

"But, I'm pretty sure that was just the regular shelter-in-place test--"

"I know, but they said around 11:00! They probably combined them!"

"'Combined them'? Can they do that?"

"THEY'RE DOING IT RIGHT NOW!"

"OK, but. . . you've noticed that OUR alarms aren't going off in here, right?"

"Doesn't matter! This is it!"

Deciding that this was a battle not truly worth fighting, I went back into the tutoring center and told everybody that they had to leave right away.

"But, Mr. Solipsist, that was just the shelter-in-place--"

"DON'T START WITH ME, TIMMY."

An embarrassing number of minutes later, we managed to get everyone out of the library. As I was heading to the assembly area, I found myself walking next to a police aide, who asked me why everybody was leaving the library. I explained that we were doing our evacuation drill.

"But that's not happening for another 20 minutes!"

"Yeah, well, the librarian heard the siren, and. . . "

"That was just the shelter-in-pl--"

"DON'T START WITH ME, TIMMY!"

"My name is Angela."

Anyway. In fairness to the frazzled head librarian, I cannot help but question the wisdom of an emergency services department that schedules a drill for the same day and approximately the same time as a regularly scheduled siren test. This all could have been made much clearer. Still, a valuable experience nonetheless. Nice to know that, in the event of an actual emergency, we will all most likely die.

Thursday Trendwatch

2011-12-06T17:09:00.000-08:00

Back on November 10, I did the usual Thursday trendwatch. While writing, my computer shut down unexpectedly. When I signed back on, I saw that I had just finished number 5. I completed the column and posted it as usual.

At least, I THOUGHT I had published it as usual.

Today, as I looked through my "Drafts," hoping to find something I could quickly and easily revise and slap up on the web, I saw that, for some reason, the post for Thursday, November 10, never made it up. Worse yet, I had lost numbers 1-4!

Anyway, since I don't have much to say today, here's part of what you missed back on November 10.

And, by the way, did NOBODY notice that there was no post for November 10? You could have SAID something! Yeesh!

*************************************************
Here are the top-trending topics on Yahoo! as of 6:48 PM, PST (11/10/11).

10. OGOPOGO: Ogopogo (full name, Dr. Ogopogo Clancy Bernstein, Psy.D) lives in LakeOkanagan in Canada--or does he? Like that of the Loch Ness Monster, Ogopogo's existence has never been conclusively established, but now someone has caught him on tape. As a Canadian, Ogopogo was a exceedingly polite to the videographer, asking nicely before biting the man's head off.

9. SCHIZOPHRENIA: A research study in Toronto (headed, I believe, by Dr. Ogopogo Bernstein) has linked schizophrenia to heavy use of methamphetamines. Surprising, really, as meth addicts seem so mentally stable.

8. KRISTALLNACHT: In 1938, the "Night of Broken Glass" occured when Nazis rampaged through Germany, destroying synagogues and Jewish-owned businesses. I tried to come up with a joke for this, but I'll take it as a good sign that I couldn't.

7. JON SANDUSKY: Sandusky is the director of player personnel for the Cleveland Browns. His father, Jerry Sandusky, has been accused of sexually assaulting a series of young boys, starting when he was working as an assistant football coach at Penn State. Proving that the sins of the father are visited upon the son, the younger Sandusky has been forced to continue working with the Cleveland Browns.

6. MADONNA LEAK: I don't care how trendy it is, I don't want to KNOW what part of Madonna is leaking.

5. 30-YEAR MORTGAGE RATE: The 30-year mortgage rate has fallen below 4%. Nobody has any money to make a down payment, or anything, but let's call this good news anyway.

Monday Miscellany

2011-12-05T17:07:00.000-08:00

SOLIPSIST (On phone): Hel-lo!

WOS: Hi!

SOL: What's happening?

WOS: Nothing much. I just got back from the store. I got a bunch of food!

SOL: Great. What do you want to have for dinner?

WOS: Oh. . .well, I didn't really get "dinnery" food.

SOL: Oh. Um. . . OK. . . .So. . . ?

WOS: Like, I got you one of these Hickory-Farm type things? And it comes with some sausages and cheese and crackers, AND it has a cutting board and a little knife. It's really cute!

SOL: Well, cuteness IS a quality I value highly for in food.

WOS: Right?!? And I got you a GIANT Reese's cup.

SOL: OK.

WOS: And butterscotch pudding! They had this great deal! Like 24 pudding cups for $2.00!

SOL: That is a good price for pudding.

WOS: I KNOW!

SOL: OK, don't take this the wrong way? But I think I should go to the store with you from now on.

WOS: Yeah, that's probably a good idea.

Important Changes to The Solipsist

2011-12-04T15:09:00.000-08:00

A piece by Susan Crawford in today's Times, discusses the "digital divide" separating those with adequate (i.e., home) access to the internet from the great unwashed who must make do with slower (if cooler) access through smartphones. This is a disturbing topic. It suggests that some of my devoted followers may not have a fully optimized Solipsist experience. Not to worry, though; until the federal government does something to remedy this appalling situation, Your-Not-So-Humble-Correspondent is looking out for you. To make things easier for those of you with slower connections, I will henceforth type much slower. You're welcome.

Unemployment Plummets after Fed Changes Meaning of "Unemployed"

2011-12-03T11:52:00.000-08:00

WASHINGTON--Obama administration officials yesterday declared an end to the unemployment crisis, after a working group of economists, manufacturers, and anatomists released a report officially changing the meaning of the word "unemployed" from its previous definition--"without a job; out of work"--to the more politically useful, "state of having or possessing three or more legs."

"We felt something had to be done to solve the unemployment problem once and for all," Labor Secretary Hilda Solis said. "Finding jobs for 27 million people was just not a feasible solution. We think this represents a good compromise."

Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner seconded Solis. "Have YOU ever tried to employ 43 million people? Can't be done."

When asked about the new definition, Dr. Michelle Sokolove, the lead anatomist on the panel, explained, "Originally we looked at fingers. We thought defining the unemployed as those lacking a full set of fingers--ten--might help us eliminate 96 million people from the ranks of the unemployed. You'd be surprised, though, how many people in America are missing fingers--even if we exclude pinkies." Sokolove went on to explain that this method of counting the "unemployed" actually produced an increase in the unemployment rate to 9.7%. "We had a similar problem with toes."

Eventually, the panel thought about using a surplus of fingers as the defining characteristic of an "unemployed person." While this did lower the official unemployment rate to 7.3%, the panel felt that more could be done.

"Actually," said Solis, "it was former Labor Secretary Robert [Too-Tall] Reich who came up with the ultimate solution. "We had him on a conference call, and he said, 'Well, if you're going to base the unemployment rate on ridiculous physical characteristics, why not only count people with three legs as unemployed?' The man's a genius!"

"Yeah, that was what we call sarcasm," Reich explained, when asked for comment.

The new measurement will go into official use immediately. With this announcement, the United States unemployment rate has now fallen to 0.0002%.

In a related story, unemployment benefits for Anthony "Sidecar" Montrose of Butters, NC, have been extended another 50 weeks.

I'll Have a Large Popcorn, No Butter, and Some Phenobarbital

2011-12-02T14:49:00.000-08:00

Apparently, a scene in the latest "Twilight" installment ("Breaking Wind," I think) is, in rare cases, causing seizures ("Epilepsy Foundation Issues Warning About Latest ‘Twilight’ Movie").

People having violent physical reactions to movies is not unheard of. The shaky camera work in "The Blair Witch Project" caused nausea in many people, including Your Not-So-Humble Correspondent. And I also broke out in hives while watching "The Blind Side," although that was probably just a reaction to Sandra Bullock.

Thursday Trendwatch

2011-12-01T17:05:00.000-08:00

Proving that fake fire alarms are comedy gold, NBC Nightly News anchor BRIAN WILLIAMS (10) interrupted "The Daily Show with Jon Stewart" with a mock alarm. Williams was responding to Stewart's mockery of Williams' handling of a false (but admittedly annoying) alarm that went off during NBC's news broadcast earlier in the week. Just remember, it's all fun and games until someone loses an eye. . . or dies horribly in a fire that first responders couldn't reach because they were too busy responding to false alarms.

OK, that could be funny, too.

Speaking of funny, today is World AIDS Day. (I checked my mailbox, by the way: Your cards and presents must still be in transit. Just sayin'.) Actually, some good news has come out of the front, as AIDS RESEARCH (9) has made great strides. Now, instead of being an instant death sentence, AIDS has in many parts of the world become something like a manageable chronic illness like diabetes or halitosis. New research also indicates that effective treatment also greatly reduces transmission.

Obviously, any hint that the scourge of AIDS may largely fade is great news. My only concern is, What horrific disease is going to rear its head next? Ebola? Marburg Virus? Mega-halitosis? Stay tuned.

Up next in the trendwatch, HANUKKAH CANDLES (8). Or, if you prefer the variant spelling: Hanukkah Kandels. There's no particularly story here, other than the fact that the candles are on sale (insert your own mercantilistic Jew jokes here). Still, since no one knows exactly when Hanukkah STARTS, it's probably a good idea to get your candles now. And, of course, to get a jump on sending those gifts, cards, gelt, to your favorite blogger. Or, better yet, to me: Fuck Huffington!

To go back to World AIDS Day for a moment, one of the big events is the premiere of a documentary about children living with the disease: "Keep a Child Alive with ALICIA KEYS" (7). No word on whether the children were give a choice in the matter.

Well, look who's imitating the Solipsist, now: Yahoo! See, we do our weekly capsule of Yahoo's trendwatch, and now Yahoo! horns in on our action by putting together its own YEAR IN REVIEW (6), or, as we call it here at the Solipsist: Plagiarism! I mean, they're just trying to crush the little guy by putting together a sort of Meta-Trendwatch of the whole year! I could do that. I WILL do that. Start sending in your suggestions for what we should include in our own Solipsistic year-end recap. Suggestions will be ignored in the order received.

In a sign on blatant anti-Semitism, ARTIFICIAL CHRISTMAS TREES (5) sneak onto the trendlist three spots AHEAD of (REAL) Hanukkah candles. Time to boycott!

And speaking of boycotts, KHLOE KARDASHIAN (4) has apparently not been boycotted off of TV yet, but she IS "counting down" to the birth of her sister Kourtney's new baby. I guess this falls under the category of "newsworthy" because it suggests that Khloe possesses the ability to count.

KATHERINE HEIGL (3) is a castrating bitch! Seriously! Well, I don't know about the "bitch" part, but she's seriously into castration. Of dogs, that is. She's taken her talents to IHateBalls.com to promote the spaying and neutering of pets.

Just to be on the safe side, though, I'm officially crossing her off my list of fantasy-worthy celebrities: Everybody else moves up a notch (good news for Hillary Clinton).

Disgraced former Illinois Governor (Yeah, I know: Redundant) ROD BLAGOJEVICH (2) may get 15 to 20 years in prison for his role in a scheme to "sell" the senate seat of President Obama. Prosecutors have actually offered Blago a choice: 20 years in prison or 20 minutes alone in a room with Katherine Heigl. . .and a pair of pruning shears.

The top item on this week's trendwatch is confusing: It's about SARA GILBERT (1), formerly of "Roseanne." The article claims she has a new girlfriend. I can only assume they meant "boyfriend." I mean, Sara Gilbert's a WOMAN. Isn't she? I'll have to look into this.

"Consubstantial"? Really?!?

2011-11-30T17:47:00.000-08:00

Last night, Stephen Colbert reported on recent changes to the Latin Mass. Specifically, the Nicene Creed now states that Jesus Christ is "consubstantial with the Father." This replaces the phrase "one in Being with the Father." Now, I'm no Catholic, but I possess enough basic literacy skills to derive from the context of this discussion that "consubstantial" means "one in Being with"--except it's far more high-falutin'. We can conclude from this revision, therefore, that Vatican scholars are like seventh-graders trying to impress their English teacher.

Writers should never use five-dollar word when fifty-cent ones will do. The single word "consubstantial" doesn't even really provide an advantage in brevity over the four-word "one in Being with": Both options contain the same number of letters and syllables.

As a Jew, I am apathetic. As an English teacher, I am unimpressed.

The Cost of Doing Business

2011-11-29T17:37:00.000-08:00

Among the financial shenanihoots that helped bring down the world financial system was a scheme by Citigroup to sell investments that were designed to fail so that the company could bet against them and reap huge profits. The Securities and Exchange Commission took a dim view of this and filed suit against Citigroup. The two parties agreed to settle the lawsuit: Citigroup would pay a $285 million fine, without admitting to any wrongdoing. All that was left was for Federal Judge Jed S. Rakoff to sign off on the deal. Yesterday, however, Judge Rakoff rejected this agreement.

Good for him.

The agreement bothered Judge Rakoff because he was asked, essentially, to serve as a "rubber stamp." Despite the fact that the SEC alleged that Citigroup had committed fraud, the agreement provided insufficient specifics, and the company was not required to admit wrongdoing. Therefore, the judge could not determine whether the agreement was “fair, reasonable, adequate and in the public interest." And about that whole, "Is it in the public interest" question? Let me save you some trouble, Judge Rakoff: It's not.

The judge correctly pointed out that, while $285 million may sound like a lot of money, it's basically pocket change to a company like Citigroup. And paying such a fine--particularly if a settlement does not require a company to admit wrongdoing--can be written off as an acceptable cost of doing business. The SEC wants to settle the cases because the agency worries--understandably--that it cannot win a trial against a company with the vast legal and financial resources of Citigroup. A bird in the hand--or 285 million birds--is worth some even more hefty amount in the bush.

Except it's not.

If the government took Citigroup--or AIG or Bank of America or any of the other malefactors of great wealth--to trial, nobody knows what would happen. The government might very well lose the case. I suspect, though, they might not. And at any rate, going to trial would send a message that the costs of doing business might turn out higher than Citigroup might like to pay. Obviously, these petty-cash fines don't convince the wrongdoers to change their evil ways.

So Judge Jed Rakoff did his job. Now it's time for the SEC to do theirs.

Monday Miscellany

2011-11-28T18:06:00.000-08:00

Warning: This Commercial Contains Explicit Hypocrisy

In commercials for its "Black Friday" deals, Wal-Mart ("the happiest place on earth") used AC/DC's "Back in Black" as background music. Does anyone else find it interesting that the store uses music in its commercials from a band whose albums it probably refuses to stock?

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At the Baseball Talks, They Did "Nude Descending a Staircase"

At a press conference announcing a tentative deal to end the lockout, representatives of the NBA, the team owners' group, and the players' union took a moment to recreate Leonardo Da Vinci's "Last Supper":

In an unrelated story, Miami Heat forward Lebron James (not pictured) announced that he was "taking his talents to Gethsemane."

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And, for a Great Dane, Scooby-Doo Is Really Cowardly!

I just noticed: On "The Flintstones," Fred powers his car with his feet! That means that, when he's driving, he's actually just walking--and carrying his car at the same time!!! What an idiot!

Plus, You've Got to Take the Kochs and Scaifes with the Gateses

2011-11-27T16:37:00.000-08:00

Through the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation, billionaire Bill Gates has donated millions of dollars to such causes as improving education, eradicating malaria, and upgrading water systems around the world. Through the Open Society Foundation, billionaire George Soros has disbursed vast sums to promote democracy and human rights. These guys are part of the problem.

Don't get me wrong: I think clean water and human rights are good things--especially when it comes to making soup. But as Nicholas Confessore points out in today's Times, such aggressive philanthropy often finds itself at odds with democratic principles and the greater good. While some would argue that any private support for public initiatives is welcome in these economically difficult times, such largesse often provides ammunition for conservative arguments about the rationale for shrinking government--"starving the beast," in their parlance: "See, government doesn't need to be involved: Private citizens can do a fine job of providing for society's well-being."

But even if private charity could conceivably fund public services at a level adequate for society's needs (it can't), the relinquishment of such services to the private sector would represent an unacceptable abdication of government responsibilities. While everybody may support the idea of improving education, for example, not everybody agrees that Bill Gates' approach (which places particular emphasis on the role of charter schools) is the best way to get there. But in a privately funded system, the citizens don't have a choice about the way the money is used: They can take it or leave it, and "leaving it" is not a realistic option.

Certainly, Gates and Soros and other public-spirited tycoons have every right to use their money the way they see fit. As citizens, we can applaud their charitable impulses and appreciate their desire to "give back" to the society that has enabled them to amass their great fortunes. But we must also remember that we cannot count on their support to meet all of society's varied needs. The best way for the 1% to give back is to support (as, to their credit, people like Gates and Warren Buffett do) progressive taxation to meet the needs of the general public.

National Boredom Association

2011-11-26T14:24:00.000-08:00

I suppose, as a sports fan, I should be happy that NBA team owners and players have reached a tentative deal to end their lockout and avoid canceling an entire season. The National Hockey League canceled an entire season several years ago, and they still haven't regained the dozens of fans they had before that labor dispute. I'd hate to see basketball become just so much hockey.

At the same time, I find it hard to get overly excited about the coming season. Maybe this is just a side effect of being a Knicks fan. But maybe not. I'd like to say my lack of enthusiasm stems from the fact that, as part of the 99%, I got turned off by squabbles between a bunch of multi-millionaire players and billionaire owners who shut down their industry because they couldn't reach agreement on how to divide an enormous pie. Adding insult to injury, the ultimate agreement essentially calls for owners and players to split league revenues fifty-fifty: a big pay cut for the players (who previously earned about 57% of revenue), but in the end the kind of incredibly simple solution that a grade-school student could have come up with months ago.

I'd like to say that's why I'm unenthusiastic, but I don't think that's it, either.

I think what I'm feeling stems from a fact that I'm only now coming to realize: Most regular-season basketball games are, frankly, dull as dirt. Many of the games are complete mismatches--say, the Miami Heat against the Cleveland Cavaliers, or the Cleveland Cavaliers against absolutely anybody. And even games between two competitive teams are essentially just back and forth affairs that don't really become interesting until the final five minutes or so. And the season just drags on forever--66 games in this thankfully shortened season but 82 games in a normal year--so that any one game really doesn't matter all that much.

I suppose if my Knicks find themselves competitive, my apathy may dissipate. Otherwise, just wake me for the playoffs.

Black and Blue

2011-11-25T16:10:00.000-08:00

Yesterday morning, I ran to the store to buy milk and cat food (we were out of cereal). On my way home, I passed Best Buy. In front of the store were some temporary barricades, and behind the barricades were. . . tents. A new front in the "Occupy" movement, perhaps? Sadly, no. Just people lining up early for the big deals on Black Friday.

When I was a child, I remember asking someone--I think it was DOS--in all sincerity whether stores were open the day after Thanksgiving. I guess I figured, since I had no school, maybe everything was closed. Anyway, DOS informed me that, not only were stores open, but the day after Thanksgiving was probably the biggest shopping day of the year. I don't recall whether he used the term "Black Friday" or not; the phrase wasn't so commonly circulated back then. At some point, I learned that the day earned its nickname from the fact that this was the day on which stores got "into the black" (and "out of the red") for the year.

I'm honestly not sure when "Black Friday" became a common meme, a regular fixture on the national calendar. I realized this year, though, that many people discussed Black Friday as if it were an actual, official holiday. Like, "What are you doing for Thanksgiving? Where are you going for Black Friday?" If as many people celebrated Arbor Day, we'd probably go a long way toward solving the world's environmental crisis.

I tell myself those people camped out in front of Best Buy must be enjoying themselves because otherwise there is truly no rational explanation for their behavior. I saw in the paper that one of the mega deals being offered was a $500 HDTV for $200. A hefty savings, sure. But assume these people got to the "campsite" at, say, 9:00 AM (a highly conservative estimate) and would be on line 'til the doors opened at, say, 10:00 PM (again, a conservative estimate); that means people were "earning" a bit less than $25 an hour for their "labor" (the $300 savings divided by 13 hours). $25 an hour is not a bad wage, but remember, the estimates of the time spent on line are conservative: Most people probably earned a much lower "hourly wage." And even those at the higher end of the "payscale" are simply working for the privilege of handing over $200 to a major retailer.

OK, for some families, the opportunity to miss the drama around the Thanksgiving dinner table is a reward in and of itself--but you don't need to patronize Best Buy to receive it!

Maybe some of the nation's "Occupiers" should move their own tents in front of Best Buy and Macy's and Wal-Mart and have a discussion with their fellow campers.

Thursday Trendwatch

2011-11-24T16:11:00.000-08:00

Among the things the Solipsist is thankful for today, I am thankful that I am not in Maryland. Not only because, you know, it's in Maryland, but also because, if I were there, I might have significant trouble getting my Social Security DISABILITY BENEFITS (10). Marylanders are reporting long delays in receiving approval for these vital payments, and, with disability claims soaring by about 30%, there is no relief in sight. And if the rate of disability among Marylanders has gone up by 30%, that suggests yet another reason to be thankful I am far, far away.

I am also thankful for the GIFT BASKETS (9) I am sure to receive from my adoring fans. Godiva Chocolates, Hickory Farms meats and cheese, Beers of the world--really, anything is fine. In fact, to save yourselves some trouble, you could always send me a gift basket filled with gift baskets.

If you're shopping for a teenager, though, you should consider buying a gift basket filled with SMARTPHONES (8) and "minutes." A new report finds that teens would rather receive a smartphone than a new car. This suggests something that I have long suspected: Teenagers are idiots.

Speaking of idiots, if you believed that the ALIEN SKULL (7) unearthed in Peru belonged to an actual, um, alien, you were wrong. (Sorry. Here, have a smartphone.)

The headline on this article reads "Alien Skull in Peru Almost Definitely a Hoax of Some Description." Love the "almost."

Maybe the alien skull is actually just an aborted Muppet. We could always ask AMY ADAMS (6) who co-stars in this weekend's big release, "Yet Another Muppet Movie" (that may not be the actual title). She plays "the human."

Thanksgiving is a day when we give thanks and look back to a simpler time before we cared about such things as electricity or the rights of native peoples. So it stands to reason that today's trendwatch should contain a feature on CLEAN ENERGY (5). Turns out that using renewable energy resources like wind and solar may not only be good policy but good politics--and better for the planet. There must be a catch.

Next on the trendwatch, NATALIE WOOD (4) is still dead. The captain of the ship she was sailing on when she drowned has come forward to say that he suspects her husband, Robert Wagner, had something to do with her death. I didn't know that she was on the ship with Wagner and Christopher Walken. This makes me think that maybe her death wasn't accidental: Lord knows, I'd consider jumping into open water to escape whatever those two might have thought up.

Natalie Wood's obvious heir, of course, is MILEY CYRUS (3), who spent Tuesday night partying like she was 19--which she was. Happy birthday, Hannah Montana! Stay away from Robert Wagner's yacht!

KARINA SMIRNOFF (2) has a lot to be thankful for today, too. The vodka heiress won the celebrity competition "Dancing with the Stars" the other night, and-- What? She's not related to the vodka? Oh, so. . . what makes her a "Star"? Oooh, she's the PROFESSIONAL DANCER part of the couple. Her "Star" is J. R. Martinez. I get it.

Now, who the hell is J. R. Martinez?

Finally, SARAH PALIN (1) and family are no doubt thankful today for the efforts of Knoxville, TN, prosecutors, who gained a conviction against David Kernell for hacking into Caribou Barbie's e-mail. But thinking about Sarah Palin should make us all thankful for a couple of other things, Barack Obama and Joe Biden.

Happy holidays, everybody!

The Quest for the Perfect Sentence (Continued)

2011-11-23T15:03:00.001-08:00

Just a brief pre-Thanksgiving post.

From a student essay:

"If you join the military, you risk having to kill people or getting killed yourself and then having to live with that."

Unjustified

2011-11-22T18:43:00.000-08:00

I've watched a few different videos of the UC Davis pepper-spray incident. In case you've missed it, a number of protesters at the college, inspired by both the nationwide "Occupy" movement and the ever-increasing tuition at California state schools, staged a sit-in. They were confronted by campus police, one of whom (as the video shows) strolled along the line of seated students, pepper-spraying them casually as if he were freshening his living room with Febreze.

For the record, I like the police. I respect the police. I think police officers do a difficult and often dangerous job, and any time I have had to deal with police, I have found them helpful and considerate. So I want to give the police the benefit of the doubt when possible. And I am sure that the police officers involved in this incident will offer some kind of justification for their actions. But watching the various videos, I can see none.

For me, the most distasteful moment comes early on, as the officer triumphantly brandishes the can of pepper spray before the crowd. Perhaps he is warning the seated students about what's about to happen, but, if so, why isn't he facing them? Instead, he appears to be addressing the watching crowd. The way he waves the can around reminds one of nothing so much as a magician showing the audience that he's picked the correct card. There is something so stylized in the motion, and then so casual about the way he walks down his row of victims, that it looks as though the policeman is performing--like this is some big moment for which he's rehearsed.

What's also striking is the sheer arrogance of the police. It was shocking when the video of policemen clubbing Rodney King surfaced: It was sheer luck (if that's the right word) that a witness with a camera happened to be in position to capture the action. But in Friday's incident, the police could see cameras all around--both professional caliber video gear and ubiquitous cell phones recording every wretched moment.

One wonders if the police will use the very fact of the cameras' obvious presence as a defense: Of course we were justified! How stupid would we have to be to pepper-spray helpless students--unprovoked--when we know there are cameras everywhere?

How stupid indeed?

Monday Miscellany

2011-11-21T17:20:00.000-08:00

From the "Way-Too-Much-Time-on-Their-Hands" Department: Some folks in Arizona have launched a campaign to name the chimichanga the state's "official food." We suspect that this will come to pass. And immediately after being named the official food, the chimichanga will be asked for its papers and deported.

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"WASHINGTON — The summons from the president came without warning the Thursday before Labor Day. As she was driven the four blocks to the White House, Lisa P. Jackson, the administrator of the Environmental Protection Agency, suspected that the news would not be good. What she did not see coming was a rare public rebuke the president was about to deliver by rejecting her proposal to tighten the national standard for smog." ("Re-Election Strategy Is Tied to a Shift on Smog")

Is anyone else troubled by the fact that the head of the Environmental Protection Agency "was driven the four blocks to the White House"? The woman couldn't have walked?

Silly Afghans! Triskadekaphobia Is for Kids!

2011-11-20T17:33:00.000-08:00

Regular readers of this blog know that the writer of this blog is a regular reader of The New York Times. Despite the parlous state of newspaper journalism, the Times remains the paper of record not only for New York, but for the nation as a whole. Still, every once in a while, an editorial oversight so glaring occurs that the Solipsist has to step in and fix things. And so it was today.

In an article about a recent loya jirga in Afghanistan by Rod Nordland, the following factoid appeared:

"Even before the delegates, divided into 40 working committees, began to take up the jirga’s main issues on Wednesday, there was the thorny matter of Committee 39.

In recent years, Afghans have come to strongly associate that number with pimps, considered the absolute dregs of Afghan society. Most Afghans are so touchy about it that they won’t buy a car with 39 on the license plate, or even use a telephone number with those digits in it."

Now, the jirga simply adopted the strategy--long practiced by elevator-designers in more-than-thirteen-floored buildings--of skipping the offending number, thus making committee #39 into committee #41.

(DIGRESSION: Technically, comittee #39 should have become committee #40, and committee #40 should have become committee #41, but this is Afghanistan we're talking about; any solution that avoids the beheading of a goat is something to be thankful for. EOD)

But, come on Nordland! How can you provide us with this delightful--yet essentially meaningless--tidbit without explaining where this superstition comes from?

Don't worry, Nation. The Solipsist is on the case. According to a few different sources, the precise origin of the superstition is unclear. Several sites, however, suggest that there was, in fact, a pimp nicknamed '39' because the number appeared on his license plate and was also his apartment number. Another reliable source (OK, Wikipedia) suggests that the number 39 translates into 'morda-gow,' which is a slang term for 'pimp.'

Just to throw my own meaningless interpretation into the mix: '39' is three times 13, the only TRULY unlucky number.

Now, was that so hard?

(NOTE: I know the post title isn't exactly relevant, but I couldn't resust.)

All the Shamefulness of Cockfighting without Quite So Many Disembowelments

2011-11-19T18:34:00.000-08:00

Best. Weekend. Ever.

As I write, not one but two major cat organizations--the International Cat Association and the Cat Fanciers Association--are throwing their annual feline fetes. Let me be clear: While I enjoy the spectacle of mass quantities of kitty cats, I have also always suspected these events to be shams. Pure popularity contests! Which is why I was happy to see that some passionate cat fanatics (you know, you can't spell 'fanatic' without C-A-T--albeit rearranged) have taken it upon themselves to organize actual competitions to determine objectively who is the top dog among cats (you know, you can't misspell 'competition' without C-A-T).

According to the New York Times, the newest distraction for sport-hungry animal lovers (or animal-hungry sport lovers) is feline agility contests ("In Feline Agility Competitions, the Biggest Obstacle Can Be the Cat"). In these competitions, cats negotiate obstacle courses of hoops, ramps, and tunnels, coaxed along by their owners with feathers and other dangling enticements. The challenge is not so much physical--any non-geriatric cat with basic motor functions can negotiate these obstacles--as psychological: You will likely go insane before convincing your cat to run the course.

Frankly, as much as I enjoy watching cats do pretty much anything, I can't see this "sport" taking off. Aside from the technical issues mentioned above, there are limited sponsorship opportunities. After all, the more people invest in cat-training, the more cats will choose to negotiate the obstacle course--if only to get these humans to leave them alone. And given that a successful "run" takes less than ten seconds, the opportunities to sell stuff during a match are only slightly fewer than those offered by a typical sumo-wrestling match. And we don't even get to see two fat guys collide.

Utterly Pointless Entry

2011-11-18T16:03:00.000-08:00

In newspaper articles, one frequently hears commentary from the Union of Concerned Scientists. UCS is a Cambridge, Massachusetts, based organization dedicated to "working for a healthy environment and a safer world." The non-profit organization "combines independent scientific research and citizen action to develop innovative, practical solutions and to secure responsible changes in government policy, corporate practices, and consumer choices."

When asked to comment about the UCS, a spokesman for the Union of Indifferent Scientists said, "Meh."

Thursday Trendwatch

2011-11-17T17:56:00.000-08:00

For those of you who still believe you will someday be able to retire, RETIREMENT PLANNING (10) makes sense. Financial planner David Ning offers some tips for fifty-somethings on avoiding problems in retirement, including things like not taking out a new 30-year-mortgage, watching out for debt, and investing cautiously. Looking for a savvy investment? One word, people: Eels.

They eat eel in China, don't they? At any rate, if you're thinking about retiring, you might want to avoid China, at least if you're planning on driving anywhere. With its enormous population and liberalizing attitudes toward private property, China has a growing number of car owners--and a correspondingly growing number of inexperienced drivers--which may partially account for the increasing number of accidents including a horrific BUS CRASH (9), that killed 20 people, including 18 kindergartners.

If there is a bright side to such a tragic story, it is that these children will be spared the spectacle of the new and improved WOODY WOODPECKER (8). The iconic cackler will receive a cinematic reboot by the same studio that brought you "Despicable Me." In the modern version, Woody will find himself imprisoned by the CDC after an outbreak of bird flu. Harrowing scenes of avian waterboarding are being scripted to give the character more "edge."

No word on whether TAYLOR LAUTNER (7) will appear in the Woodpecker extravaganza. If he does, though, I just hope, for his fans' sake, he takes his shirt off. Apparently, legions of tween girls, repressed housewives, and Jerry Sandusky are frustrated that the well-pectoraled werewolf appears shirtless only once in the latest "Twilight" movie.

The trendwatch certainly puts things in perspective. Clocking in at number 6 is JESSIE JAMES. She's a country singer who's trending because she's singing during halftime of tonight's Jets-Broncos game. The sad part of this is that the article pointing out this fact feels the need to clarify that Jessie James is NOT to be mistaken for her two famous namesakes: The guy who cheated on Sandra Bullock and, of course. . . "leggy British singer Jessie J."

I weep for our generation.

Because no Trendwatch would be complete without a bit of technology (except, of course, for all those previous trendwatches that didn't include a bit of technology), we present a story about 2013 FORD ESCAPE (5). In addition to being shiny, this model allows you to open the trunk by kicking the underside of the car. In the 2014 model year, Ford will introduce a feature whereby you can turn on the radio by tickling the windshield.

Thanksgiving is almost upon us, and with it will come the inevitable mishaps: an insufficient number of chairs for the dining room table; too many raisins in the stuffing (which, by the way, means ANY raisins in the stuffing); and, of course, an epidemic of third-degree burns suffered by those who improperly deep-fry their turkeys. Not to worry, though, WILLIAM SHATNER (3) is on the case! The venerable star of television, movies, and travel-website commercials has filmed a public service announcement warning people about the dangers of careless turkey-frying. Ah, Shatner! Is there anything he CAN'T do?

Well, apparently he can't do EVA LONGORIA (3). The "Desperate Housewives" sexpot is rumored to be dating Los Angeles Laker Matt Barnes. 'Cause her marriage to San Antonio Spur Tony Parker worked out so well, I guess. You think maybe she should start watching a different sport?

Of course, the rumors might not be true. Maybe the celebrity gossip mill is just hungry for a romance between a raven-haired beauty and an NBA baller, what with the whole Kardashian marriage implosion. And what's happening with Kim Kardashian you ask? (You know you did!) Well, if a group organizing a KARDASHIAN BOYCOTT (2) has its way, you may never know. The Facebook page calling for a boycott of this drain on the national attention span has over 113,000 "Likes."

Keeping up with the Kardashian, though, at least in terms of marital success is the number-one trendiest topic of this moment on the time-space continuum, RUBEN STUDDARD (1), who is getting a divorce. You may remember that Ruben Studdard won the second season of "American Idol." More likely, though, you remember the guy he beat, Clay Aiken. Poor guy just can't catch a break.

Here's to Your Health (Continued)

2011-11-16T17:47:00.000-08:00

The Supreme Court has agreed to hear an appeal of the Affordable Care Act (i.e., "Obamacare"). The main issue under debate concerns whether Congress overstepped its authority by requiring to purchase health insurance under the law. As an article in the Times put it, "If the federal government can require people to purchase health insurance, what else can it force them to do? More to the point, what can’t the government compel citizens to do?" (Health Law Puts Focus on Limits of Federal Power) It's an interesting question. Honestly, as much as I support the idea of healthcare reform, I'm not sure I have a great answer.

The obvious comparison is to automobile insurance (leave aside for the moment that automobile insurance is regulated at a state, as opposed to a federal, level). If people can be required to buy automobile insurance, why can't they be required to buy health insurance? The Obamacare critics' response is that, technically, the government does not require people buy auto insurance: It simply makes such insurance a legal prerequisite for car ownership. Since no one is required to buy a car, no one is required to buy car insurance. On the other hand, no one can "choose" whether to remain healthy--which is too bad really, as that would solve a lot of problems--so the health insurance mandate becomes a charge incurred simply for existing as a citizen of the United States. That is to say, it becomes a "tax," which Congress does have the authority to implement, but calling the requirement to buy health insurance a tax would have been politically unpalatable, so it was not done that way, which is why the case has made it to the Supreme Court.

The problem with the current case before the Court is that, if the insurance mandate is declared unconstitutional, then the whole Affordable Care Act probably falls apart. Healthy people will choose not to purchase health insurance, figuring they don't need it. The majority of people buying insurance will be the elderly, the infirm, or the hypochondriacal, forcing insurers to raise rates if they hope to take in more money than they pay out in claims. Since insurers will not be able to deny clients due to pre-existing conditions, all these folks will be able to buy insurance, but they will not all be able to afford it, which will put the country right back where it's been for many years now: an incredibly wealthy nation with an ever-increasing number of citizens unable to afford basic healthcare.

Ultimately, this speaks to the absurdity of our healthcare system. As a nation, we seem to have lost sight of the fact that there is a fundamental difference between health insurance and healthcare. Whenever we hear statistics about our nation's healthcare shortcomings, it's always put in terms of the number of people who lack health insurance: "45 million people lack health insurance"; "the ranks of the uninsured continue to rise"; etc. Technically, no one in the United States lacks access to healthcare: If you have a medical emergency, hospitals have to treat you, regardless of whether you have health insurance or not.

The tragedy would not be a finding that Obamacare is unconstitutional. The tragedy is that our politicians are so beholden to corporate interests that it is inconceivable that they would pass legislation that actually addresses the problems of healthcare in this country. If Congress mandated that every American is entitled to receive a certain basic level of healthcare, and paid for it through the tax system ("Medicare for all," anyone?), they could cut out the profit-minded middlemen of the insurance industry. They would run afoul of no constitutional issues, and they would go a long way towards making the United States a bit more civilized.

But that'll never happen. People will scream "Socialism!" and scare away anyone interested in a sensible solution to an intractable issue. Like I said, tragic.

Advice for Young Teachers: Brace Yourself for Weisenheimers

2011-11-15T17:14:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, I reviewed the grading criteria for my students' final essays. One criterion is that students avoid using "slang and a conversational tone."

"But, Mr. Solipsist, we're allowed to use a dictionary, right?"

"Yes."

"OK, but, what if I--I've seen these--they have these slang dictionaries, right?"

"Well, yes--"

"So, OK, what if I look up a word and it's IN the slang dictionary?"

"What about it?"

"Well, then I can use it, right?"

"No."

"But it's IN the dictionary!"

"But it's in the SLANG dictionary."

"But if it's in the DICTIONARY, then it's not slang, right?"

"No. If it's in the SLANG dictionary, then, quite literally by definition, it IS slang."

"I disagree."
"What part of this do you disagree with?"

"If words are in the dictionary, I should be able to use them."

"So. . . if you bring in a Sanskrit dictionary, I should let you write the essay in Sanskrit?"

"Well, no, I mean--"

"Actually, I think that's a fantastic idea. You're going to write your essay in Sanskrit. And you can use as much Sanskrit slang as you like. Make sure to bring your dictionary."

That'll learn 'em.

Monday Miscellany

2011-11-14T17:25:00.000-08:00

I WAS READY
One of the hardest things I've had to deal with since moving to California from New York is lack of access to my favorite sports teams. Except when the New Yorkers are playing their Bay Area rivals or manage to find themselves in a nationally televised venue like the World Series (and I'm a Mets fan, so, y'know, good luck with THAT), I must suffer the profoundest feelings of sports-related deprivation.

Yesterday, therefore, presented a rare treat: BOTH New York area football teams, the Jets and the Giants (no, the Bills don't count), were featured on local television. The Giants played the 49'ers, and the Jets played the Patriots on the nationally-televised Sunday night game. Seal up the ManCave, WOS, I WON'T be out for dinner. . . .

BUT THEY BOTH LOST!!!!

I know dealing with loss is a part of the whole sports-fan experience (see above: Mets fan). But I can't shake the feeling that both teams owe me something for such a crushing disappointment. Season tickets would be acceptable.

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WELL, NOT THAT I KNOW OF
The other day, I went to my local Moby-Dick-character named coffee establishment. I ordered quite a few items: a couple of breakfast sandwiches, a few pieces of coffee cake, a caffeinated beverage or two. The cashier called out my sandwich order to her colleague--presumably the specially-trained, pretentiously-titled operator of the microwave (Irradiatista?)--retrieved my coffee cake, and rang up my order. "$3.67," she said.

That did not sound right.

"Um, did you charge me for the sandwiches?"

"Yeah." She could see my confusion. "Oh, I gave you my employee discount."

Now, I know I'm cute as a button and all, but I doubted that this accounted for this girl's generosity. At the risk of getting my nose bitten off by a gift horse, I said, "Well, thanks, but. . . why?"

"Well, you're Libby's dad, right?"

"Uh. . .no?"

"Someone told me you were Libby's dad."

"If I'm not Libby's dad, do I need to pay full price?"

"Well. . . .No, I guess not."

I guess I really should have asked about Libby's mom. I mean, if she lived in New York back in the mid-90's, there's at least a biological possibility, I suppose.

Overall, my happiness at getting an extremely inexpensive breakfast is tempered by the fact that I apparently look like someone who would name his child "Libby."

Sensitivity Training

2011-11-13T17:08:00.000-08:00

In today's Times, journalist Katie Roiphe discusses the ongoing debate over what constitutes sexual harrassment when it comes to things like dirty jokes and "inappropriate" language. The topic is in the news, of course, because of revelations--which, considering that they have been in the public record all along, are hardly revelatory--that Republican presidential "candidate" Herman Cain has had some problems conforming to current societal norms regarding acceptable workplace conduct.

Sexual harrassment falls into the categories of "quid pro quo" ("If you don't have sex with me, you're fired") or "hostile environment" (when an employee is made to feel uncomfortable or unwelcome because of an iappropriately sexualized atmosphere). According to one of Cain's accusers, Sharon Bialek, Cain engaged in an act of quid pro quo harrassment, suggesting he would find her a job if she "performed" satisfactorily.

To be clear, this sort of behavior is unacceptable. Indeed, from what Bialek has said, Cain's actions probably crossed a line from harrassment to outright assault. Even if he had simply made a verbal proposition, however, this would count as a clear-cut example of quid pro quo harrassment.

Problems arise from the "hostile environment" idea. I've always questioned this rule, myself. It's always seemed like a violation of that most useful of childhood rules, the one about sticks and stones breaking bones but names (or boorish comments) never hurting. Clearly, there are things that I, as a man, should and should not say to a female co-worker or student. Generally, men can safely comment on a woman's hair, dress, or breasts (I know--I was surprised, too), but that's about it. I sympathize with women (or men) who feel uncomfortable because of colleagues' crude jokes or conversations. I encourage these offended people to discuss the situation, and I encourage the jokesters to take their colleagues' feelings into consideration. But if they choose not to? Is there a law against being a jerk?

Whenever we start criminalizing language, we risk sliding down that proverbial slippery slope. We may not like "patently offensive" language, but who decides what is patently offensive? Doesn't "offense" reside in the judgment of the offended? Is it possible to know ahead of time what may or may not offend someone? We would like to think that it's a matter of common sense, but it isn't. Is it appropriate to say that someone "looks nice today"? I would think so, but what if it isn't? Does it depend on the way the words are said? It could, but then are we not legislating line-readings?

Sensitivity to others is an important quality of an enlightened society. Some people will remain unenlightened, but society has its ways of dealing with such people without legal consequences. The rude, the crude, the sleazy, and the profane have been falling out of favor for years. Like smoking, male chauvinism is no longer cool. Social sanctions will do the job better than courts and lawyers, leaving us free to focus our legislative energies on truly harmful harrassment of the Cainian variety.

From Penn State to State Pen?

2011-11-12T14:49:00.000-08:00

Today being Saturday, the day semi-traditionally reserved for sport commentary, I feel obligated to discuss the downfall of Joe Paterno, the longtime football coach at Penn State.

Unless you've been living under a rock--and no judgment here: Some of my most faithful followers are morlocks--you know Paterno was fired this week, a result of his actions--or inaction--in an unfolding sexual abuse scandal involving his former assistant coach, Jerry Sandusky. Several years ago, a graduate assistant informed Paterno that he (the assistant) had witnessed Sandusky molesting a young boy. Paterno apparently reported the incident to his superiors and then took no further action. Whether Paterno is criminally liable in the case will presumably be determined in the coming weeks.and months. At any rate, he seems morally culpable for not reporting the incident to the police or otherwise following up on his report to the school administration.

What's disheartening in this whole affair--aside from Sandusky's obviously repugnant actions--has been the reaction of the Penn State student body to Paterno's dismissal. A large contingent went to the coach's home on the night of his dismissal to offer the coach their support in his time of need--which might be OK--and to protest the university's action--which is not.

Let me amend that: Protesting is OK. People can protest anything they want. But protesting Paterno's dismissal seems pointless at best and offensive at worst. What are these people protesting? The firing of a man who preaches discipline and education and moral standards but who saw fit not to report a credible case of child molestation--rape, in fact--to the police. Do these people feel Paterno was unjustly fired? Would they have the courage to say this to the parents of the children raped by Sandusky? To the children themselves?

Paterno's unique standing in both the local Pennsylvania community and the wider world of college football further condemn him. Many players in this drama may have feared for their careers or reputations if they had made accusations against Sandusky, a respected member of the Penn State "family"; Paterno can claim no such fears. The man is a legend. He would have faced no personal consequences for making his concerns known and for following up on the investigation. So why didn't he? Could he just not be bothered?

Given the information that has come out so far, I suspect that Paterno will not face criminal charges. He probably fulfilled his legal obligations by reporting the matter. But he has lost whatever moral standing he may have held. More importantly, though, the students at Penn State and around the world who lament the "injustice" done to JoePa should save their sympathy for the victims of these crimes and accept--if not applaud--the action that the university took.

The New Season?

2011-11-11T20:00:00.000-08:00

Saw a commercial this afternoon for the upcoming second season of "The Next Great Baker" on TLC. This came as quite a shock, as I didn't know there had been a first season of "The Next Great Baker." Then again, the show might just have gotten buried in the veritable avalanche of TLC's other baking-themed shows, "Cake Boss," "Fabulous Cakes," and "DC Cupcakes."

(DIGRESSION: Suggested tagline for TLC's "Extreme Couponing": "TLC: We're not just baking and midgets anymore!"

WOS: They need a show about midgets who bake! "The Littlest Baker"? Copyright!

SOL: How about "Jon and Kate Plus Cake"? Copyright! EOD)

Seriously, though, between "The Next Great Baker" and Bravo's "Top Chef: Just Desserts," the market for baking competitions is saturated, especially since there are so many unexplored possibilities:

PRIME CUT: THE SEARCH FOR THE NEXT GREAT BUTCHER (Spike TV)
You can beat the heat, but you can't beat our meat! On tonight's episode, controversy erupts as the nine remaining contestants are each given an exotic animal to slaughter, break down, and debone: Fan favorite, Rabbi Ethan "The Shvitzer" Goldfarb balks at butchering a wombat, which he declares "tref."

And, why not:

WICKED AWESOME: AMERICA'S NEXT GREAT CANDLEMAKER (HGTV)
Wax ON! Former porn star Jenna Jameson challenges the contestants to make a candle that can double as a female gratification tool.

TOP COLLECTOR: WORLD'S BEST TOLLBOOTH ATTENDANT (The Travel Channel)
Life in the EZ-Pass Lane. Can anyone defeat the favorite, Tollmate3000, the state-of-the-art scanning device that's been mowing down all competitors since being installed on a stretch of I-80 outside Chicago? Tune in to find out.

Personally, I'm most looking forward to Comedy Central's offering, DEAD FUNNY: AMERICA'S MOST HILARIOUS CORPSE. Competition promises to be stiff. Sorry.

Go Inflesh Your Irmus

2011-11-09T14:16:00.000-08:00

The sentence unfolds, word after word, leading the curious reader to the revelation at sentence end, and this exemplifies 'irmus.'

I love discovering new words, if for no other reason than to better equip myself for a game of "Scrabble." 'Irmus' wouldn't provide a whole lot of points (only 7, unless one makes strategic use of bonus squares), and it may not even appear in Scrabble dictionaries--it doesn't show up on dictionary.com. But the word--if the novelist Ann Beattie is to be believed (and novelists always tell the truth, right?)--does exist and refers to a tool of the literary trade, meaning“not until the end of a passage does the reader fully understand what is being spoken of.”

So if ever a writer kept you in suspense, pulling you along to a sentence's shocking climax? You got irmused!
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You may remember yesterday. I don't, but you may. And if you do remember yesterday, you remember that "The Solipsist" featured news about how a number of students at elite colleges are opting out of the physical sciences and into easier majors in social sciences, humanities, or gym. Anyway, when I read the original Times article that inspired that piece, I was struck by this sentence:

“We’re two years into that experiment and, quite honestly, it’s probably going to take 5 to 10 years before we’re really able to inflesh the whole curriculum with this project-based learning,” Dean Kilpatrick says. ("Why Science Majors Change Their Minds (It's Just So Darn Hard)"

"Inflesh"? According, again, to dictionary.com, to "inflesh" is to "incarnate." This makes perfect sense as the root of "incarnate" ("carne") means "meat" or "flesh" (as in "carnivore," or "chili con carne"). In other words, to "inflesh" is to "make into meat" or, less literally, to "make real."

A couple of interesting points:

1) The dictionary definition ("incarnate") is arguably a more sophisticated word than the word it is defining ("inflesh").

2) "Inflesh" may mean the same thing as "incarnate" but it has the added advantage of sounding kinda dirty.

3) Peter Kilpatrick, the dean of engineering at Notre Dame, apparently doesn't know the difference between "infleshing" (making real) and "infusing" (causing to penetrate), which is what he most likely meant--to spread the idea of "hands-on" science learning throughout the entire engineering curriculum. Not a big deal, I suppose, but when this trained engineer builds something, I hope he doesn't mix up infleshing and infusing. The results could get sticky.

The Tough Get Going, Going, Gone

2011-11-08T19:03:00.000-08:00

From the "Well, I Could Have Told Them THAT" file: Science is hard. They don't call 'em the "hard sciences" for nix.

As America laments its slippage in the world rankings of science education--we currently rank somewhere between Antarctica and Hogwarts--it turns out there is a perfectly reasonable explanation: Science majors at the nation's premier institutes of higher learning--being, as they are. quite brilliant, after all--have decided that advanced classes in calculus and physics hardly merit the slog. Why struggle through a science curriculum when the likely reward after completing doctoral studies is simply overwhelming student loans and a slim possibility of a tenure-track university position or slightly more remunerative research work in industry? Why not use those math smarts to come up with the next economy-wrecking financial shenanigan that will at least reward you handsomely until the bubble bursts?

University science departments have in some cases revamped their curricula to focus more on hands-on activities, allowing students to "do" science rather than just "study" it. A good strategy, and one that other non-scientific disciplines might consider emulating. Indeed, while college administrators lament the fact that science majors opt out of "hard" majors for "easier" ones like the humanities, the solution may rest only partially in making the sciences more palatable. Maybe we should also make the "easy" majors less desirable, i.e., harder. Just as science majors should "do" science, so, too, should those majoring in social sciences and the humanities "do" those fields. Primarily, this means researching and, especially, writing--writing prolifically, writing constantly, writing exhaustingly.

America might then not only lose fewer budding Einsteins in our nation's science programs; America might also gain a few more Roths or Vonneguts or Chabons (take your pick) and a few less Dan Browns.

Monday Miscellany

2011-11-07T17:47:00.000-08:00

I NEVER REALIZED. . . .

Last week on "Colbert," food journalist and perennial killjoy Michael Pollan offered a simple maxim for healthier snacking: "If you're not hungry enough to eat an apple," he said, "you're not hungry."

Apparently, I have NEVER been hungry in my life! Who knew?

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THE CRANKY KILLER

Wilford Brimley has been hawking diabetes supplies for, like, thirty years and counting. Kinda makes you wonder how fatal the disease really is.

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AT LEAST NOVEMBER HAS ONLY 30 DAYS

Last November brought us NaNoWriMo, annoying shorthand for "National Novel Writing Month." The idea, propagated by people with way too much time on their hands and way too much faith in the creative capabilities of the online public, was that people should, in one month, write a novel. Didn't have to be good (I think Dan Brown's last book was a NaNoWriMo project), didn't have to be published, didn't even have to make sense (see again, Dan Brown). Success was simply a question of unleashing one's creative spirit.

Apparently, this proved too difficult.

This November brings us the far-filthier sounding NaBloPoMo--National Blog-Posting Month. The idea here is that people commit to writing a blog-post a day, every day this month.

Pardon me while I wax sardonic.

WOW! A blog-post EVERY day! For a whole MONTH! Insanity! How can these faceless NaBloPoMoHos expect ANYONE to generate a whole THOUGHT every day, much less express it in the form of sentences and (shudder) paragraphs! I implore people NOT to try this. A post a day for a whole month--no human mind can be expected to generate such quantities!

Here endeth the 1,062nd "Solipsist." Yeesh!

Apple and the Art of Motorcycle Obsolescence

2011-11-06T18:49:00.000-08:00

According to Frederick Seidel, if I didn't have an iPad, I'd be Easy Rider. In his article in today's Times, Seidel explains that, in his day, young men dreamt of riding off on an Italian import--whether a brand new Ducati sport bike or Sophia Loren mattered little. Now, however, the era of the shiny handheld object may spell an end to the era of the shiny straddled object.

I'm not sure I accept his thesis. Certainly, iPads, iPods, and iPhones have iSwept the iWorld and evoke feelings of sublimated lust in the hearts of many a young man (and woman, and not-so-young technophiles of both sexes). But there's a certain non-sequitur quality to Seidel's logic, which, if I understand it correctly, Jane Austen might have paraphrased as, "It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single man, not in possession of a motorcycle, must be in want of an Apple gadget."

Personally, if I had to exchange my iPad for any Italian import, I'd go with Marisa Tomei--or, heck, even Sophia Loren. Who needs motorcycles?

That'll Teach 'Em

2011-11-05T15:49:00.000-07:00

Today, I observed Bank Transfer Day. To show my solidarity with the rest of the 99%, I withdrew my dozens of dollars from a big, sleazy multinational bank and gave it all to some guy named Eddie.

Huh? I was supposed to what?

Um. . . Gotta run!

Slow News Day

2011-11-04T15:47:00.000-07:00

I've heard of slow news day, but this is ridiculous On the front page--THE FRONT PAGE--of today's New York Times appears a story about Ryan Fitzpatrick, the quarterback for the suddenly resurgent Buffalo Bills. Now, the fact that the Bills have a winning record is certainly newsworthy, but front-page newsworthy? And that's not even why Mr. Fitzpatrick made the front page. Is he having a record-setting season? No. Is he making some sort of inspiring comeback from a career-threatening injury? Nope. Is he dying? Not so far as we know.

No, what makes Ryan Fitzpatrick worthy of front-page attention in the nation's newspaper of record is the fact that he wears his wedding ring during games. ("For Bills' Quarterback, Losing (Wedding Ring) Is Not an Option") That's it. Now, in this day and age, when a typical quarterback story likely revolves around dogfighting or Roethlisbergerian sexual improprieties, one find a certain charm in the story of this apparently uxorious athlete. But still! This story would seem pretty irrelevant on the sports pages on a Sunday gameday--how little must be going on in the world for this to make the front-page (albeit below the fold)? It's not even about a New York team! (Where is Buffalo, anyway?)

Let's see what other stories got buried inside the paper to make room for this story of a football player's accessorizing:

"U.S. Report Accuses China and Russia of Internet Spying" (Page 4)
"Israel Faces Questions About News Reports of Eyeing Iran Strike" (Page 10)
"Petition Drive Challenges Medical Marijuana Ban in Rural California County" (Page 15)
"Couple Donate $150 Million to Fight Poverty in Developing Nations" (B6)

Clearly, all less important than the fact that Ryan Fitzpatrick risks jamming his finger for the sake of confirming his undying devotion to (or perhaps fear of) his wife.

Thursday Trendwatch

2011-11-03T17:14:00.000-07:00

Here are the top-trending topics on Yahoo! as of 4:33 PM PST:

10. KELLY SLATER: Mr. Slater just solidified his claim to being the world's greatest surfer at a tournament at Ocean Beach in northern California. Or, to put this in a language that I imagine surf afficionados would understand: The dude totally walrused the droogie out past the whipwam!

9. ANDROID TABLETS: For when your robot has a headache.

8. DEPRESSION: Nice to see that depression has made it back onto the trends list. For a long time, depression couldn't get arrested on Yahoo! It was all Restless Leg Syndrome this and Seasonal Affective Disorder that, but you can never go wrong with the classics. Depression is the Bob Dylan of mental disorders, and it's nice to see it getting the recognition it deserves.

7. POLICE SLAM OAKLAND MAYOR: That'll teach the Honorable Jean Quan to make fun of Sting's sweater.

6. BLAKE LIVELY: I've never been exactly clear on who this person is: Apparently, she's in "Gossip Girl" and "Green Lantern," so I'm assuming she's some sort of Asperger's kid who can only appear in things that begin with the letter 'G.'

5. DANCING WITH THE STARS: This completes this week's "DWTS" appearance on Thursday Trendwatch.

4. KATE GOSSELIN: The former mother of 8 (she had to return them to the studio when the show was cancelled) has bounced back nicely, becoming a featured blogger at CouponCabin.com. "CouponCabin.com"? And people made fun of The Daily Numeral?

3. WARDROBE MALFUNCTION: This is about the whole Janet Jackson Super Bowl Boob Flap. or Janet Jackson's Flapping Super Bowl Boob, but I had my own wardrobe malfunction earlier today, accidentally taking my pants off in the middle of an explanation of pronoun-antecedent agreement. AWK-ward!

2. KRIS JENNER: Mama Kardashian has revealed that she thinks she could have saved the life of Nicole Brown Simpson. Stunning. Kris Jenner had the opportunity to save the life of another human being--TWO human beings, Nicole and Ron Goldman. She could have spared the country the spectacle of OJ's low-speed bronco chase. She could have forestalled the searching conversations on race, celebrity, and the criminal justice system. Indeed, if her story is true, she literally had an opportunity to change the course of modern American culture and history, and while hindsight is 20/20, we could all benefit by taking a moment to reflect on what might have been. . . . But we won't because Jenner's daughter Kim Kardashian is dissolving her farce of a marriage. Ah, America!

And the number one trendiest topic at this moment in the space-time continuum is. . .

1. ZOOEY DESCHANEL: We've mentioned in this space that we really don't get Zooey Deschanel. Now comes news that she is divorcing her husband, Ben Gibbard, the frontman of Death Cab for Cutie. I didn't know they were married, but it makes sense: I've previously mentioned the fact that there's a quality in Gibbard's voice that makes me want to punch him in the face. The news of their divorce, though, makes me sad. They really had something: Unbeknownst to me, they formed the most annoying couple in the universe.

An Open Letter to the Herminator

2011-11-02T17:26:00.000-07:00

"Adding to the pressure on Mr. Cain, a lawyer for the second woman called on the restaurant association to release her from a confidentiality agreement signed as part of her settlement, raising the prospect that she could publicly dispute Mr. Cain’s account of what happened. The lawyer said the confidentiality agreement had left her unable to respond to Mr. Cain’s denials of any inappropriate behavior toward the women."
--"Cain Accuser Got a Year's Salary in Severance Pay"

Herman, really!

A bit of advice: Call your old cronies at the restaurant association and tell them to release this lady from her confidentiality agreement. I understand why you would want to continue talking and defending yourself against "baseless" accusations while your accuser is legally forbidden to refute you. It's that same temptation we all feel to throw batteries at a panda that's been tied up in its cage at the Bronx Zoo. At the same time, though, as long as this woman can't speak, then people are free to imagine all kinds of things she might say. And irresponsible bloggers are free to speculate on these hypothetical revelations.

I mean, if I were an irresponsible blogger--which of course I'm not--I might wonder out loud . . . . What would this lady say you did? What could be so bad that you quickly paid her off rather than let her reveal it? I mean, back then, even if she had revealed that you had, say, propositioned her inappropriately, how bad would that have been? You weren't running for office back then, and you were already a pretty wealthy man, so it's not like you would have been ruined.

An irresponsible blogger--again, not me--would possibly speculate that you did something not only improper but downright weird and creepy. Maybe she would reveal that you ran around National Restaurant Association headquarters hopped up on pepperoni pizza and cocaine, randomly groping female employees--and a not-incosequential number of male ones--while bellowing, "HONK! HONK!" Or might she reveal that you were caught in flagrante with a major Republican donor, three prostitutes, and an otter? Something worse? Might she reveal that you actually like anchovies? Who knows? Nobody knows! And that's the problem.
Seriously, Sir, the collectively depraved imagination of the Blogotwitterverse is infinitely worse--one hopes!--than anything you might actually have done. As Maureen Dowd pointed out, "It’s not the cover-up that kills you; it’s the cascade of malarkey that spills out when you try to cover up the cover-up." Get out ahead of this thing before it's too late.

Advice for Young Teachers: Masochism Hurts

2011-11-01T18:57:00.000-07:00

When giving writing assignments, keep one thing in mind when you give writing assignments: You're going to have to read the damn things. Try to make the process as painless as possible.

Back in my undergraduate days, I took a Shakespeare class. For the "big paper," the professor assigned the class a close reading of a scene from one of Shakespeare plays. I mean that literally: He assigned a close reading of A scene from ONE of Shakespeare's plays, specifically, Othello, Act III, scene 3 (the handkerchief scene). Now, the scene itself is interesting and certainly central to the play. But I cannot imagine what would possess a professor--a Shakespeare scholar--to willingly subject himself to reading 25-30 ten-page exegeses, written by undergraduates, about the same scene. Even if he loves that scene! ESPECIALLY if he loves that scene!

It makes me wonder about those people who find Shakespeare boring. We assume that these are lazy high-schoolers, but maybe they're actually Shakespeare scholars who foolishly condemn themselves to tedious writing purgatory. If I had to read countless pages of semi-literate prose telling me over and over again about Iago's "sneakiness," I, too, would think Shakespeare a crashing bore.

If you must assign students essays--and you must--at least give them options. Assign a broad topic that tests whatever writing skills you wish to assess (narration, description, analysis, etc.) but that also allows some leeway in a choice of topic. At least then you won't read the same essay over and over. And you might even still be able to enjoy a production of Othello.

Monday Miscellany--Cult TV Edition

2011-10-31T17:32:00.000-07:00

Check it out, in what was ostensibly a straight-news story, the Times throws in an inside joke from Monty Python:

"Debates have raged between those who love all God’s creatures and those who say the only good crow is a crow that has ceased to be." ("For This Menace, Only One Thing to Do: Ready, Aim, Fireworks!")

And if you don't get the reference, then this blog is really not a good fit for you.

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In an old episode of "The Simpsons," Krusty the Klown's fast food chain, Krustyburger, introduces a new sandwich, the Ribwich.

The Ribwich instantly gains a fanatical following, with legions of enthusiasts traveling across the country, following the sandwich from state to state. Finally, the caravan winds up in San Francisco, where Krusty addresses the crowd, thanks them for their support ("What a long, strange product rollout this has been!"), and then announces that Krustyburger will no longer sell the Ribwich, because the animal it was made out of has become extinct.

"The cow?!?" someone asks.

"Uh, think. . .smaller," Krusty replies.

"The pig?!?"

"Think. . .more legs."

All of which is by way of explaining why I will never--NEVER--eat a McRib.

BIG NEWS FOR SOLIPSIST NATION!

2011-10-30T17:48:00.000-07:00

Now I've seen everything. Well, OK, not everything. I haven't seen anyone throw a waffle at the Pope. I haven't seen a Republican candidate that I could imagine voting for without (or, hell, with) a gun to my head. But I have seen something I hadn't imagined existed: Wordplay, a blog devoted to crossword puzzle criticism.

Really? "I found Shortz' use of vertical clues pedestrian, but I give him credit for going four years without asking us to identify the Thin Man's dog."

Talk about having too much time on one's hands. This is the problem with blogs. Sure, they allow people to explore their creativity and perhaps break news stories deemed too provincial or controversial for the major news outlets. But all too often, blogs become nothing more than platforms for the autistic ramblings of cranks and crackpots, obsessed with minutiae of no interest to anyone beyond a handful of head-shaking friends and relatives. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm busy working on an essay about comma usage in the works of Cormac McCarthy.

[DIGRESSION: Just read that last sentence to WOS, and she said that Cormac McCarthy might be interesting to some people. Possibly, I said, but I doubt many people are interested in his use of commas.

[ADDITIONAL DIGRESSION: But they should be. EOAD]

[WOS said "Oh, I see what you're saying." Then, I realized that WOS thought I had said, "comma usage AND the works of Cormac McCarthy," so I apologized for my mumbling. WOS then said that I'd better make sure I pronounce it clearly in the blog. . . . Yeah, I know. EOD]

At any rate, this made me realize that there is a vast untapped reserve of material out there--all kinds of things that people encounter on a daily basis that can be itemized, analyzed, reviewed, or reviled. If people will read a daily blog about crossword puzzles, what WON'T they read a blog about? The periodic table of elements? The serial numbers of bills in my wallet? License plates? If I want to capitalize on this whole interwebs thing, I need to start branching out.

So. . . .I am thrilled to announce my FIRST second blog, or, as WOS says, the blog you've been waiting for but didn't know it: The Daily Numeral. (Yes, I know it sounds like a newspaper published on "Sesame Street," but still. . . ). Every day, I will bring my adoring fans. . . .a NUMBER!

Yeah, that's all, just a number.

(You mean, like, lottery numbers?)

No, just a number.

(I don't understand. You mean a lucky number?)

If you think it's lucky. . . .

(But--)

Oh, just click the link. And tell your friends! I'm telling you, this'll give that Huffington woman a run for her money!

By the way, it's "ASTA."

Nein Nein Nein

2011-10-29T15:42:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago, an article about Herman Cain's "9-9-9" flat-tax plan, mentioned the following:

"In an interview, Mr. Cain, a math major in college, said he had asked Mr. [Rich] Lowrie [Cain's financial guru, whose day job is at a Wells Fargo in Pepper Pike, Ohio--I did not make that up] to do a 'regression analysis' that would allow the government to eliminate all existing taxes, including those on capital gains and estates, and collect the same revenue from just three streams. 'The number came up to be 9 percent,' Mr. Cain said. 'And that’s how we came up with 9-9-9.'"

Now, what I don't know about math could fill a book--specifically, a math book. But still, something bothered me about that passage.

A "regression analysis" is a statistical procedure that allows people to examine the effect of different independent variables on a given outcome. If, for example, one wonders what factors affect a person's income, one might gather various pieces of data on a sufficiently large population. This would include income data (the dependent variable), but one would also gather data on other independent variables that might have an impact on income (e.g., education level, parents' income, IQ, uh. . . .let's say height). By plugging these various data points into an insanely complicated equation--or, far more preferably, a computer--one could generate a formula that would show the impact of different inputs on the dependent variable (holding other inputs constant).

So why did Herman Cain call for a "regression analysis" to determine an appropriate level of flat taxation that would generate, theoretically, the same level of revenue the government currently receives? Wouldn't that simply require knowledge of the amounts generated by the three revenue streams Cain identified as "acceptable" (personal income, corporate income, and sales income), weighting them proportionately, and then figuring out what percentage of those three streams would equal the needed governmental revenue? A regression analysis seems like far too much work.

Maybe that's the point, though. Maybe Herman Cain is demonstrating his willingness to do the heavy lifting, to go the extra mile, to leave no stone unturned in his quest to improve life for the American people.

Either that, or he's just a pretentious blowhard. Not sure which.

The Ticking Clock

2011-10-28T16:49:00.000-07:00

In the premiere of Starz' new series "Boss," the opening scene features Chicago Mayor Tom Kane (Kelsey Grammer) sitting stone-faced while an offscreen voice gives him his medical report. The news is not good. Kane is in the early stages of a degenerative neurological disease that will eventually, inevitably, kill him. The clock is ticking.

The doomed central character has become something of a television trend. In the first episode of "Breaking Bad," we learn that Walter White has an apparently fatal cancer; indeed, this revelation sets the whole plot in motion. And then, of course, there is "The Big C," starring Laura Linney as an even-more-doomed cancer patient. "Television protagonist" continues to climb the list of most potentially fatal occupations, recently passing "New York City taxi driver" and closing in on "grandmother of a college student around finals week."

Many have noted the resemblance of modern television dramas (and some comedies) to novels. The dying hero convention provides modern television with yet another novelistic quality: the definitive ending.

Conventional television series used to continue from season to season, as long as the sponsors and networks considered them profitable. When they went off the air, it was generally with little fanfare. Only the most popular series merited large buildups to a finale, but the finale itself was often nothing more than a typical episode, perhaps extended to a profit-maximizing length. Writer's attempts to imbue a finale with some sort of ontological significance would often result in, at best, treacly "warm fuzzies" ("Cheers," "Friends"); other times, the shows generated feelings of utter bewilderment ("Seinfeld") or outrage ("The X-Files").

Some shows did, indeed, have "natural" endings. It didn't take a genius to imagine what the final episode of "MASH" would feature. Similarly, "The West Wing" finale provided an unsurprising sense of completion, as Jed Bartlett jets off to his term-limited, post-presidential retirement and a presumably best-selling memoir.

Now, though, television writers and producers seem more inclined to plant the seeds of their shows' eventual denouements in their opening episodes. A show like "Boss" promises its viewers a definitive finale, even though a show about a tough, big-city mayor could presumably continue indefinitely. Other shows offer less explicit but no less real guarantees of their own, shall we say, finity: While "Dexter" can have as many seasons as its creative team chooses to make, we can see that, if circumstances demand, everyone's favorite serial killer can be caught.
The ticking clock provides a nice sense of urgency, and, perhaps more importantly, a sense of relief: Just as few of us would choose to read a novel that has no ending, we take comfort in the fact that, while we lose ourselves in our heroes' stories, these stories, too, will reach an end.

Thursday Trendwatch

2011-10-27T19:43:00.000-07:00

Here are the top-trending topics on Yahoo! as of 6:52 PM:

10. STOCK-MARKET PRICES: Apparently, "It is the worst performing stock market in sub-Saharan Africa this year." And professional investors say, BUY, BUY, BUY! Why not? Now that they've destroyed every Western stock market, the plutocrats need something to wreck. Of course, there's not nearly as much wealth to destroy in sub-Saharan Africa, so you better jump on these opportunities before they disappear. Occupy the Sahel!

9. SUV OF THE YEAR: And the winner is, the Range Rover Evoque. It's rather large, though, so good luck finding a parquing space. Pretentious fuquers.

8. HEALTH CARE PLANS: The big news under this heading is that the premier of Alberta, Canada, has caused quite a stir among parliamentary back-benchers for an apparent softening of her position on one of her campaign pledges. Rather than appointing a judge to head an inquiry into alleged queue-jumping in the national health system by well-connected Albertans, Premier Alison Redford has declared that she will await the findings of the government's Health Quality Council, members of which are looking into the controversy, and are expected to release a report in,. . .zzzzzzzzz. Good lord! What is WRONG with Canadians?!?! Even their governmental scandals are boring and polite!

7.JOHN EDWARDS CHARGES: The former senator, former vice-president, former tribune of the working poor has failed in his bid to get federal campaign-finance abuse charges dropped. Remember when John Edwards was reputable enough that, if he were trending on Yahoo!, it would just say, "John Edwards"? How the well-coiffed have frizzed!

6. MAKSIM CHMERKOVSKIY. . .is trending topic number 6. And only the SECOND-HIGHEST representative of "Dancing with the Washed-up and/or Freakish" on today's list.

5. CHELSEA CLINTON: Boy, remember when she was a funny-looking ugly duckling?

Anyway, she's putting the kibosh on rumors that she's planning a congressional campaign. Too bad, really. Anyone with Bill and Hillary's genes would seem to be a natural. We'll wait and see.

4. KAITLIN OLSEN: Fills this week's mandatory celebrity-baby slot. She's pregnant. Woot.

3. SISTER WIVES BABY: Fills this week's mandatory creepy-as-hell celebrity baby slot.

2. KATE MIDDLETON: Or, as we royal watchers like to call her, the Duchess of Cambridge, or "Weighty Katy" (look, Brits love the rhyming nicknames, what can I tell you?) filled in for Prince Charles at a charity event. Unless the audience couldn't tell the difference between the two, this seems like a non-newsworthy story.

And the number one trendiest topic at this moment on the space-time continuum is. . . .

1. CARRIE-ANN INABA:

We told you Maksim Checkernosy was only one of the "Dancing with the Irrelevant" members on today's list. The dancing judge has revealed that she met her fiance on eHarmony. Frankly, I find this depressing. If even an attractive celebrity needs to use a dating service, what chance do mere mortals have?

Day Off

2011-10-26T18:09:00.000-07:00

Today, I'm frustrated. It's work-related and complicated--and it's even got me rhyming! Nothing overly serious, just annoying and too involved to go into here. Promise to return tomorrow in time for Trendwatch! So, you've been warned!

All Homework and No Play

2011-10-25T17:07:00.000-07:00

Generally, when the older generation comments on the circumstances of the younger, the elders lament how much easier the young whippersnappers have it. "When I was your age, I had to walk five miles to and from school--uphill both ways--through three feet of snow, 13 months a year!" Well, for all those weary of cliches, I happily report one area at least where we Gen X-ers had it easier than today's teens: Homework.

At many an elite private school, administrators have announced to great fanfare a desire to lighten their students' homework burden ("At Elite Schools, Easing Up a Bit on Homework"). This comes in response to psychologists' unsurprising findings that excessive homework--say, more than 3.5 hours a night--has little benefit and may actually prove detrimental, especially if it deprives teens of much-needed sleep.

Fair enough, but. . . . 3.5 hours of homework? Per NIGHT?!? I don't think I ever did much more than, like, 4-5 hours of homework per week in high school. And I've done all right, if I do say so myself.

In college, a general rule of thumb is that you should spend two hours per week studying outside of class for every hour in class. Thus, a full-time student--generally someone taking 12 units worth of classes--who spends approximately 12 hours per week in class should commit about 24 hours per week to homework. This does, indeed, work out to about 3.5 hours per day. But this is for college classes! By defnition, they are more difficult than high-school classes. Plus, these classes often offer less "instruction" in the classes than those in a secondary-school setting--the presumption being that college students need to learn to work independently. When did the standard for high school become equal to that of most colleges--indeed, greater than most colleges, if the private schools are now reducing their requirements to approximately 3.5 hours per night?

As a teacher, I certainly believe students need homework. Especially in a writing class, students cannot develop their skills in a mere three hours of in-class work per week. But I would not expect any but the most ambitious, passionate, and/or insane students to spend something like five hours a week every week writing, especially if they must then spend the same amount of time on all their other classes. Hell, I don't spend that much time writing--and I have my own BLOG.

There is something to be said for enjoying one's youth doing things other than studying. Kudos, then, to private schools that see the need to scale back on their excessive demands. . . .

Unless, of course, the demands AREN'T excessive. . . .Hold on a minute--do I contradict myself? Very well, I contradict myself. Maybe schools actually assign the same amount of homework they always have. Maybe it just takes students longer to complete it because their brains have been addled by years of video games.

Hmph! Kids today! They don't know how easy they've got it!

Monday Miscellany

2011-10-24T17:06:00.000-07:00

In his new book, The Better Angels of Our Nature: Why Violence Has Declined, Harvard psychologist Steven Pinker

argues that people have become less and less violent over time.

Personally, I think that's just what his hair wants us to believe. Then, after lulling us into a false sense of security, it will spring from Pinker's head and kill us all.

99% and Counting

2011-10-23T17:14:00.000-07:00

Economists have suggested that an economic system can maximize either equity or efficiency, not both. The free market, for example, is hailed (at least in its theoretical ideal) as a model of efficiency. But with its inevitable winners and losers--losers who may through no fault of their own find themselves homeless or starving--the market leaves much to be desired in terms of basic fairness.

Now, another economic dichotomy has become apparent: a split between equality and inclusivity. As the United States has become ever-more inclusive--reducing or eliminating economic barriers to women, ethnic minorities, and gays--the country has at the same time become ever more unequal ("The Paradox of the New Elite"). Makes sense: As barriers to entry based on outmoded prejudices fall, the pool of prospective economic successes grows. At the same time, there are only so many spaces at the top of the financial food chain, and more spaces don't appear simply because there are more and more qualified people to fill them. Thus, those not in the top spots, comprising, let's say, 99% of the population, are an ever-more diverse lot.

Welcome news in its own way to be sure. If the various "Occupy" movements around the country succeed in bringing about a bit more economic equality, though, we must make sure that such wealth-sharing does not come at the expense of this hard-won social inclusivity.

This Is Why "They" Hate Us

2011-10-22T17:54:00.000-07:00

According to a recent article in The New York Times:

"At middle schools across the country, metal lockers that were long considered decorated if they had photos of friends or the teen heartthrob of the moment — Shaun Cassidy years ago, Justin Bieber today — have suddenly become the latest frontier in nesting."

And you thought Somalians had it rough? What's a little anarchy and mass-starvation when compared with the trials of an upper-middle-class tween with a "zazzless" locker?

Want to design your own locker? Just head on over to Lockerlookz.com. (You know they're cool, 'cause they spell "looks" with a 'z.') I did!

I'm going with "Aqua Zebra on White" wallpaper, with the cutest black-zebra framed mirror mounted on the door--Oh, crap! All the mirrors are temporarily unavailable!!! Oh, well, I guess I can fill the space with some nice purple flowers. And, let's see. . . .In addition to some bins and a white dry erase board (with green and blue circles and dots), I'm going to go with a purple rug and black chandelier! With shipping and handling, this comes to just under $130!

And, have no fear: If you have the mental faculties of the typical middle-schooler, the website offers handy videos to walk you through the intricacies of placing pre-cut pieces of magnetized wallpaper onto metallic surfaces.

Now. . . if I only had a locker!

WHEEEEEEEE!!!!!

2011-10-21T16:23:00.000-07:00

Since moving to California in August 2001, I have lived through about five earthquakes in my immediate vicinity. At least, people TELL me I have lived through these earthquakes. I had no idea. For example, I'd be sitting at my desk, and suddenly there would be this stream of e-mails from people around campus comparing notes on the recent tremor. I would have no idea what people were talking about.

"What's everybody talking about?"

"The earthquake!"

"What earthquake?"

"The one that just happened!"

"We just had an earthquake?"

"You didn't feel it?"

"Well, no, I-- Wait, about ten minutes ago I heard what sounded like a really big door slamming. Was that it?"

"Yes! What did you think that was?!?"

"Um. . . I. . . thought it was somebody slamming a really big door?"

Talk about anticlimactic. Before moving here from New York, I wondered about earthquakes. What were they really like? Were they scary? Dangerous? I admit, I felt more than a little disappointed by the relative unnoticeability of the real thing. What was all the fuss about? Is that all there is? Now I know how all my old girlfriends must have felt-- Uh, because. . .they, too, had been disappointed by. . .uh,. . . earthquakes. . ..

Ahem.

Anyway. . .

Yesterday afternoon, in fact, there was an earthquake centered in Berkeley--only about ten miles from where I work--and I felt absolutely nothing--didn't even hear the by-now-unnewsworthy "door slamming." Only found out about it when I saw one of my Facebook friends' status updated to, 'EARTHQUAKE!!!" Another disappointment.

(DIGRESSION: Is updating your status to "EARTHQUAKE!!!" the wisest thing to do during an earthquake? EOD.)

Last night, however, everything changed. I was sitting on the couch reading when, suddenly, I felt an unmistakable rumbling. It lasted about ten seconds. Overall, it was quite mild--nothing even fell over--but it was definitely an earthquake. It felt like I was sitting in the world's biggest massage chair, only without even the prospect of a happy ending. Not terribly scary, but definitely unnerving.

I think I handled myself well for a transplanted Easterner. I didn't panic, although I did wonder if we were supposed to run out of the apartment. I took my cues from WOS, who has gone through far more earthquakes than I. She didn't seem overly worried, so I figured we were probably OK staying put. You would think the cats would have given us some kind of a heads-up, but they proved utterly useless--or maybe that just confirms the relative mildness of the experience.

Every geographical locale has its own natural disasters to which its residents become accustomed. Northeasterners don't give a blizzard a second thought until it drops at least 12" on the ground, but a tremor like we had here yesterday would likely send even the most jaded New Yorker screaming into the street. I definitely feel more Californian today. Next, I plan to move to Kansas and live through a tornado.

Thursday Trendwatch

2011-10-20T17:34:00.000-07:00

Here are the top trending stories on Yahoo! as of 4:47 PM PST:

10. FLAT TAX: Not to be outdone by Herman Cain, Rick Perry advocates a flat tax plan of his own. While concerned about the regressive nature of a flat tax, I understand its appeal, especially to someone with Rick Perry's limited mathematical aptitude. Announcing the plan, the ever-eloquent Squire of Niggerhead said, "I think a flat--a tax that-- flat that you tax-- is the-- is the same as a-- as a not flat tax that isn't as flat as a tax flat."

9. BARBIE TATTOOS: Mattel catches heat for its latest Barbie incarnation, sporting pink hair and tattoos. People presumably worry that our nation's impressionable youth will emulate this plasticine punker and grow up to, I don't know, occupy Wall Street, I guess. These folks may have a point: Unlike classic Barbie's wholly unachievable bust and butt proportions, pink hair and tattoos are eminently attainable.

8. ANTIDEPRESSANTS: About 11% of Americans aged 12 and older use antidepressants. The rest just drink heavily.

7. WAYNE NEWTON: The apotheosis of lounge lizard-dom opens his mansion to tourists starting next February. Perfect! I was wondering what to get WOS for Valentine's Day. . . .

6. ZOOEY DESCHANEL: I admit, I find something troubling about Zooey Deschanel. I can't figure out if she's talented or not, attractive or not. . . .I'm not even sure what she IS: singer who "acts"; "actor" who sings. If anyone can provide any enlightenment on this subject, I'd be eternally in your debt.

5. CREDIT SCORES: When it comes to credit-worthiness, eight of the top ten highest-scoring cities (including the top four) are in the Midwest. Well, why not? What do they have to splurge on? Corn dogs and overalls? At the same time, four of the bottom ten cities are in Texas. Uh, Governor Perry, you want to tell us about your financial plans again?

4. MARISKA HARGITAY: Occupying the "Celebrity Adopter" position in this week's trendwatch is the "Law and Order" star, who adopted a boy this week. Also, I am pleased to announce that Ms. Hargitay continues her steady climb up the rankings of "World's Hottest Mariska." She is currently number 6.

3. LISA IRWIN: The missing infant's mother has admitted to drinking too much and blacking out the night her daughter disappeared. No joke here. Just wondering if and when we're going to find out the parents are to blame after all.

2. GLENN BECK: Along with other right-wing rabble-rousers, Beck has labelled the Occupy Wall Street movement as "anti-semitic," apparently because a handful of the thousands of protesters have been seen holding signs referring to "Wall St. Jews" and the like. I suppose these people are no more representative of the OWS movement as a whole than the guy walking around in the Viking helmet. Then again, the Vikings were not particularly known for their philo-Semitism. . . . I don't know. My General Rule for Living Number 4 is, If Glenn Beck's agin' it, I'm fer it. So, You Go 99%!

And the number-one trendiest topic at this moment of the space-time continuum:

1. KIM KARDASHIAN: Well, of course she is. She and her husband are apparently splitting up after two months of marriage. And they said it wouldn't last!

Wednesday Special

2011-10-19T17:17:00.000-07:00

Do you remember when being special was a good thing? Me neither. Well. . .barely. Thinking about the word "special" makes one realize the danger of euphemism. People want to be considerate of others with, let's say, non-standard abilities. Realizing the negative connotations of words like "retarded" or "handicapped," well-intentioned folks adopt phrases like "special education" or "special Olympics" to denote services and programs designed for these "differently abled" individuals. There's certainly nothing wrong with that--on either an ethical or definitional level. The literal meaning of "special," after all, is simply "of a distinct or particular kind of character." In that regard, these people--any people, really--certainly are special.

The problem, of course, is that using the word "special" to "euphemize" something with negative connotations does nothing to ameliorate people's attitudes towards the underlying realities. Instead, it simply makes the euphemism negative. Words do have power, of course, but attempting to improve social attitudes through linguistic engineering puts the cart before the horse.