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Saturday, June 25, 2011

Over the Rainbow and Into the Chapel

Congratulations to the New York State government for doing the right thing and voting to legalize same-sex marriage.

When you think about it, this was kind of a no-brainer. Numerically speaking, the politics were clear. In New York, a majority of the population is in favor of same-sex marriage, and we suspect that a large proportion of the minority is probably indifferent at worst. Sure, some politicians who voted for the bill and who represent conservative districts will catch some flak for their votes, but we doubt that this will be a make-or-break issue for these folks, especially in a blue state like New York. On the other hand, a vote AGAINST the bill would very likely have brought significant electoral consequences.

At this time, though, the Solipsist would like to express his appreciation to those politicians who truly made this vote possible: People like Senator John Ensign, Newt Gingrich, and, yes, Rep. Anthony Weiner. By so completely lowering the bar to reveal the rank hypocrisy of any politician claiming to uphold traditional ideas of "morality," people like this have made it extremely difficult for any politicians to oppose the desires of good-hearted, loving couples to express their thoroughly decent commitment.

Friday, June 24, 2011

Spousal Support

We were stuck for something to blog about today. We were just going to say forget it, but WOS intervened:

WOS: Just write something short.

SOL: Ehhhhh. . . . .mmmmrrrrrgggggg.....ehhh.

WOS: Come on, your readers are counting on you.

SOL: Sigh. . . .OK. . . . Ummm. . . .Let's see. . . .uh, did I say anything funny today?

WOS: No.

This is what we deal with, people.

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Trend Updates

Let's take a look at what's "Trending Now" on Yahoo!

10. SONIC THE HEDGEHOG: Sonic the virtual Hedgehog celebrated his 20th birthday. Every virtual-hedgehog year is the equivalent of one human year: one terribly, terribly wasted human year.

9. SOUTHWEST AIRLINES PILOT: Southwest Airlines has temporarily suspended a pilot, after he accidentally broadcast a profane, homophobic speech over the air-traffic control network. Note to that pilot: Anybody who spends a substantial portion of his time in something called a cockpit should lay off the gaybashing.

8. COFFEE: Researchers at the University of South Florida have discovered that coffee may offer some protection against Alzheimer's Disease. This is great news for the Solipsist, who loves coffee. In other news, researchers at the University of South Florida have discovered that coffee may offer some protection against Alzheimer's Disease. . . .

7. WINKLEVOSS TWINS: They've decided to end their appeal of their settlement with Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg. While we're on the subject, people named "Winklevoss" should be far more elfin than these two. We're just sayin'.

6. MEGHAN MCCAIN: She and Bristol Palin have some kind of ongoing mean-girls-type conflict. We're not sure, but, we heard that, like, Bristol totally caught Meghan checking out her baby-daddy Levi Johnston. And so she was like, "Yo, Bitch, get your own man!" And M-Mac was all, like, "Ho, I wouldn't touch Levi if he was the last piece of trailer-trash in Alaska." Maury Povich is in talks to have Bristol appear on his show, where he will "surprise" her with an appearance by Meghan. Stay tuned.

5. MILEAGE RATE: The IRS has bumped up the mileage rate allowance from $0.51 a mile to $0.555. The Solipsist, who lives about a mile from his workplace, plans to put the additional money he will get back from the Feds towards a McChicken sandwich.

4. MELISSA MOLINARO: The top link on the trend list is, "5 Things You Didn't Know about Melissa Molinaro." The number one thing? Who the hell is Melissa Molinaro?

3. ANNA PAQUIN: Season 4 of "True Blood" premieres this weekend. Anna Paquin, of course, stars as Sookie Stackhouse, the psychic-siren of 'Cajun country. To us, though, she will remain that adorable 11-year-old who stammered her way through an Academy Award acceptance speech. Which is why whenever we see her topless in "True Blood" we feel kind of dirty.

2. iPHONE 5: New features include a 3-D camera, a lawnmower, and a "Vibrate" setting that will make you never want to leave your house.

And, the NUMBER ONE trendiest topic of this moment in time is. . . .

1. ANNA NICOLE SMITH:. . . is still dead. However, her boobs still look fantastic!

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Mug Shots



Scary stuff, Nation. The other day, we walked by a colleague's workspace. She wasn't there, but we saw on her desk a mug on which was printed "World's Greatest Mom." Wow. Who knew?

At first, we were upset, thinking MOS should have received the honor, but we reasoned that she probably just didn't know about the contest; after all, we didn't even know about it, and we're far more culturally in-tune than MOS. We figured we would just apologize to MOS for our failure to enter her into the competition.

But would MOS even have won? After all, our absent colleague obviously had some tremendous skills in the motherhood arena. She had always seemed mild-mannered to us, but away from work, at home, she must have mothered the holy hell out of her family. The contest officials obviously saw this. We resolved to come back and find out hr secrets as soon as we could.

But that night, things got freaky. We were watching TV--the show doesn't matter. What's significant is that, on this show, one of the female characters fixed herself a cup of coffee. And as she raised the mug to her lips, what did we see printed on the side? WORLD'S GREATEST MOM!

Obviously, the show was fictional, but the similarity of the character's mug to our colleague's was disconcerting. We had to investigate. We jumped in the car and sped to the nearest mug store. It being 2:30 in the morning, the place was closed, but we resolved to come back as soon as it was open. Later that morning, we called in sick to work, cancelled the appendectomy we had scheduled for later that day, and headed out to the store.

What we saw shattered us.

Nation, an entire section of a shelf was filled with about a dozen of these "World's Greatest Mom" mugs! The merchants weren't even trying to hide their skullduggery!

In short, and we hate to be the one to tell you this, if you have ever given or received a mug with "World's Greatest Mom" printed on it--and unless the recipient has actually participated in and won the Mother's Invitational Thunderdome Elimination Tournament held every two years in Calgary--you have been hoodwinked! Those "World's Greatest Mom" mugs are nothing but a cheap, transparent marketing ploy!

Sorry about that. We need a cup of coffee ourselves, now. . . Ah, "World's Greatest Blogger." Now you're talking.

(Image from Amazon.com)

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Happy Summer

The solstice arrived at 10:17 AM. Now it is officially summer. And so it's far too hot to blog.

Monday, June 20, 2011

Bring the Funds Back Home

When corporations offer to pay taxes, consult your cardiologist: You need to take that with several grains of salt. Nonetheless, that's what some of America's biggest companies are doing.

In order to "help" with the United States' continuing financial woes, megafirms like Apple, Google, Microsoft, and others are proposing to repatriate foreign profits. Once this money--potentially hundreds of billions of dollars--is brought "home," it will be subject to taxes, providing an immediate infusion to a cash-strapped treasury. The catch, though, is that the companies are requesting a hefty tax break: Instead of paying the regular tax of 35% on these foreign profits, corporations want a one-time, one-year tax-cut--to just over 5%.

Corporate chieftains argue that this proposal is a win-win: Companies pay less tax than they would normally have to pay. The government gets badly needed funds to reduce deficits or (heaven forfend!) provide services to those in need. And businesses would increase their ability to stimulate the economy by buying goods and services and/or hiring new employees. Critics respond that similar amnesties in the past have provided less of an economic jolt than expected.

On the surface, the proposal has some merit. Apple, for example, has some $12 billion sitting in foreign banks. While it would be nice to see them fork over $4.2 billion in taxes, that isn't really an immediate option. The choice is between Apple paying a little over $600 million (5.25%) or just keeping the money overseas, in which case the government gets nothing now. The proposal looks even more attractive if--as proponents suggest would happen--Apple uses a large portion of the remaining $11.4 billion to spur investment or hiring.

Politically, the idea is distasteful: Humongous corporations receiving multi-billion dollar tax breaks looks bad when average Americans are struggling to get by. But we can swallow hard and accept the idea politically. On the other hand, we question the economics.

The potential upside of this proposal is that companies would use the money they bring back from overseas in a manner productive both to themselves and to the general economy--by buying stuff and hiring people. There are, however, no guarantees that corporations would actually do this: They could, instead, simply park the money in American banks (which wouldn't be the worst outcome as the money could then be lent out to others) or, worse, reward shareholders with hefty dividends.

Because here's the thing: The very fact that the money is now just sitting around overseas doing nothing suggests that these corporations don't really need the money; if they did, they presumably would bring the bucks back home regardless of the tax implications. Rational economic behavior suggests that Apple and Google and Microsoft and the like consider sequestering money overseas--presumably earning interest--a more productive use of capital than bringing it back home. A tax break, therefore, would seem simply to be an unearned reward for acquiring capital overseas. It also sends a dangerous message to multinational conglomerates: If you wait long enough, you won't have to pay proper taxes on your earnings.

On the other hand, the government could use tax policy to generate revenue and stimulate the economy. And while the absolute number of dollars might be smaller, the results would be more likely to generate economic growth.

Millions of Americans have 401k's or similar retirement accounts. These accounts, often tied to the stock market, have taken a battering over the last few years. Account holders, though, have been largely unable to pull their money out of these diminishing funds. That is because, as retirement accounts, these funds are supposed to be off limits until the holders reach retirement age. If someone does withdraw funds early, they face massive tax penalties.

So. . . why not substantially reduce these penalties? People struggling to pay bills or buy clothes or put food on the table would presumably welcome the chance to tap into these substantial (even if diminished) pots of cash. They would pay a small amount of tax on their withdrawals, thus, as in the corporate scenario, supplying important government revenue. Furthermore, these folks are highly unlikely simply to pull out the money and stick it under the mattress: They will use it to, y'know, buy stuff, thus stimulating demand and, perhaps, generating a need for companies to start hiring again.

Those who object that this undercuts the purpose of the 401k--to provide workers with a comfortable retirement--need to look at the state of the funds themselves: Even before the recession, it was unclear that a typical worker's 401k truly would have provided a secure retirement. Since the crash, the accounts have shrunk and are thus even less likely to provide a soft cushion for retirement.

So if the government decides to provide Google with a nice tax holiday, fine. The actual effect on the American economy will probably be negligible at worst. But if economic stimulus and popular support are the goal, the best place to start would be with the little guy.

Solipsistography
"Companies Push for Tax Break on Foreign Cash"

*******************************************
Answers to yesterday's Shakespearean Insult Quiz:

The following insults were Solipsisms: Pallet jacker; Bobbin; Blue-footed booby; Randy savage; Thrice-mullioned otter (we were particularly pleased with that one); and, Spastic colon

Sunday, June 19, 2011

Brush Up Your Shakespeare

Back in the late 16th-early 17th century, a British insult comic by the name of William Shakespeare tore up the comedy circuit from London to Avon. We thought it might be fun to share some of Shakespeare's finest barbs, while interspersing some of our own, modern, "Things-That-Sound-Like-Shakespearean-Insults-But-Aren't."

Rules
--Stick a "Thou" in front of each of the phrases below.
--Say it out loud with a snarl in your voice and a sneer in your heart.
--Determine which ones are Shakespearean and which are Solipsisms.

1) Painted maypole!
2) Pallet jacker!
3) Robustious periwig pated fellow!
4) Hag-seed!
5) Bobbin!
6) Blue-footed booby!
7) Grey iniquity!
8) Randy savage!
9) Thrice-mullioned otter!
10) Bunch-backed toad!
11) Spastic colon!
12) Banbury cheese!

Answers will be published tomorrow.