Note the Date

I'm pretty broken up about Major League Baseball's Opening Day.  Pretty much everything that could go wrong did go wrong.  The Yankees--the NEW YORK YANKEES--lost to the hated Boston Red Sox.  And, to add insult to injury, the Mets absolutely clobbered the San Diego Padres.  All I can do is drown my sorrows and hope that tomorrow brings a brighter day.

Sob.

Gateway Apparel

From the Just-As-We've-Always-Suspected File comes news that a striking number of perpetrators and suspects favor the garb, particularly the caps, of the New York Yankees. Which just proves our theory: Yankees fans are a bunch of criminals.



Sure, apologists will point out that this could simply reflect the Yankees' inexplicable popularity: The Yankees sell more merchadise than any other sports franchise, so it is unsurprising that their merchandise is over-represented among any population, be it composed of law-abiding types or Yankee fans--sorry, criminals.



But that's what apologists do! Look for rationalizations when the obvious answer stares them in the face! Criminals wear Yankees caps because the Yankees are the team of criminals: From white-collar Wall Street types to "someone accused of helping tie up a 9-year-old girl." It's Occam's Razor, people!



We have it on good authority that Yankees' garb may actually TURN people into criminals. Don't forget, we never heard a word about Alex Rodriguez using steroids before he came to the Yankees. (OK, supposedly his use of banned substances occurred during his time with the Texas Rangers, but can anyone doubt that if he hadn't gone to the Yankees he would retroactively not have used them. And, no, don't bother trying to untangle that sentence.) Rumor has it that even Derek "Salt of the Earth" Jeter goes to the Central Park Zoo after hours to throw batteries at sea lions.



In short, say "Yes" to drugs, to alcohol, to pre-marital sex and even to violent video games. But for the sake of civic tranquility, just say "No" to Yankee caps!

(Image from The New York Times)