Eat S*** and Don't Die

I don't always eat lunch, but when I do, I like to spread out at my desk and bring up the New York Times.  Today, however, as I browsed through the front page while chowing down on a salami and provolone sandwich, I came to this article about--

Uh, look, if any of you are enjoying a nice peanut-butter sandwich or, God help us, bowl of chocolate pudding right about now, may I suggest you finish eating before reading further?  I'll wait.

OK?

All right, I came across an article about the latest innovation in gastroenterology: fecal transplants.

Yes, that's right! Suffering from a seemingly incurable intestinal infection?  Forget penicillin!  Forget vancomycin!  What you need is a heaping helping of, well, poop.

Not your OWN poop, mind you.  That would just be gross.  No, you need high-quality material from a healthy donor.  And wouldn't you just love to see the donor information form?  What must it ask?  Frequency?  Consistency?  Bran intake?

How depressing must it be to be turned down?  "I'm sorry, Mr. Hendricks, but your shit don't stink.  In this case, that's a deal-breaker."

Speaking of which, in case you were wondering how the transplanted. . . matter gets into the gut of the sufferer, there are apparently three options: enema, coloscope, or "a tube run through the nose into the stomach or small intestine."  You read that right! Option three calls for a tube--through which someone else's fecal matter will flow--to be placed UP YOUR NOSE.  How sick would you have to be?!?

Still, I suppose this represents an improvement over more traditional fecal transplant therapies: "Books on traditional Chinese medicine mention giving it to people by mouth to cure diarrhea in the fourth century; one book called it yellow soup."

Yeah.  I know.  After "yellow soup," I was pretty much done with my sandwich.

NOT Dinnertime Reading

Last night on "The Colbert Report," Stephen reported on a new treatment for people suffering from a lack of beneficial bacteria in their guts--

--Now, before I go on, I want to emphasize once again that this is NOT appropriate reading if you are eating dinner. . . . or if you are planning to eat dinner. . . ever.

--As I was saying: A new treatment for people suffering from a lack of beneficial intestinal bacteria: Fecal transplants!

Yes, it's exactly what it sounds like: Doctors take fecal matter from healthy people and transplant it into the digestive tract of the afflicted.

I had actually heard of this treatment before.  What I had NOT heard was the fact that, apparently, the method of transplantation is, well, oral.  For some unimaginable reason, the helpful bacteria can not simply be injected into the intestine: They must be swallowed.  As Stephen commented, doctors can now write prescriptions for people to "Eat shit and LIVE!"

What I don't understand is this: People who suffer from the lack of helpful parasites can hardly manage to eat anything.  One woman mentioned that, for a year, the only thing she could keep down was crackers and water.

Now, if you can barely stomach crackers and water, how the hell are you going to manage to swallow a big helping of poop?

Oh, and, I apologize.