I Think I May Be onto Something. . . .

From "Dementia's Signs May Come Early," an article on the front page of today's New York Times:

"One of Dr. Caselli’s patients, Roger Siegel, 84, has noticed [memory] problems for at least five years, and said he now remembers about 30 percent of what he would like to, and has trouble concentrating. 'I take a shower and wonder did I wash that leg,' he said. In books, 'many times I forget which character is which.'

"Recently, he bought six packages of pie filling instead of one 'because I asked somebody where would I find it and the answer was Aisle 6, so I wrote down 6, but by the time I got to the aisle, I picked up six of the thing.'”

From the same article: 

"Carol Miller, 61, of Rochester, Minn., part of the Mayo Clinic’s study of cognitively healthy adults, seems more concerned. A registered nurse who retired after being laid off a few years ago, she has forgotten cardiovascular and neurological vocabulary that once 'I would recall very easily,' she said. 'I don’t trust myself as a safe R.N. because I don’t have the knowledge anymore.'

"When shopping for blueberry filling for her daughter’s birthday cake, she twice reached the checkout counter having forgotten it. . . ."

 

Now I'm no scientist, but I'm thinking researchers should investigate the apparent link between the onset of dementia and pie.

 

Thursday Miscellany

The Food and Drug Administration is considering loosening the rules for approving Alzheimer's drugs: Instead of having to demonstrate that their new drugs improve daily functioning, pharmaceutical companies can receive approval for drugs that simply show effectiveness in improving memory.

In other news, the Food and Drug Administration is considering loosening the rules for approving Alzheimer's drugs: Instead of having to demonstrate that their new drugs improve daily functioning, pharmaceutical companies can receive approval for drugs that simply show effectiveness in improving memory.

I'm sorry, that just never gets old!

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Another current-events trope: Every article about the Papacy must mention that Benedict was the first Pope to resign in almost 600 years.  More often than not, in an attempt to sound even more solemn, the phrase will be "nearly six centuries."

Thursday Trendwatch

SAMSUNG (10) has introduced its latest Galaxy Smartphone.  I think I speak for everyone when I say, please stop.  Please.  How can it be time to upgrade again?  What can this phone do that could possibly make it worthwhile for someone to shell out hundreds more dollars for the latest incarnation?  Unless the phone allows me to order a pizza and play "Angry Squids" (or whatever) at the same time that I'm listening to the latest "beats" to "drop" from "Lady" "Gaga," all the while sexually servicing me. . . I'll just stick to my flip phone that does little more than allow me to talk to people.

Despite some early promise, it appears that "smell tests" are poor predictors of incipient ALZHEIMER'S DISEASE (9).  Scientists have found that a diminishing sense of smell may be associated with Alzheimer's, but the association is not strong enough to be predictive. Meanwhile, despite some early promise, it appears that "smell tests" are poor predictors of incipient ALZHEIMER'S DISEASE (9).  Scientists have found that a diminishing sense of smell may be associated with Alzheimer's, but the association is not strong enough to be predictive.  (That joke, unlike most Alzheimer's patients, never gets old.  Sorry.)

SEN. MARCO RUBIO (8) is mentioned often as a potential vice-presidential pick for Mitt Romney.  Bad idea!  In a recent interview, the neophyte senator committed a gaffe of epic proportions, perpetuating the most offensive of ethnic stereotypes when he mentioned that, a mere five years ago, his mother, a proud Latina, worked as a "maid."  Seriously, Marco: Talk about opening la boca and inserting el . . .uh. . .  footo.

A movement to BOYCOTT SPIRIT AIRLINES (7) has been gathering steam on Facebook, since the company refused to refund the $197 airfare of Vietnam vet Jerry Meekins who was ordered by his doctor not to fly as he is dying of esophageal cancer.  Bravo, Spirit!  That's the. . . uh. . . well, spirit!  Who does this Meekins character think he is, anyway, trying to sucker an all-American company like Spirit Airlines?  What, he's tough enough to fight Charlie in 'Nam, but he hasn't got the BALLS--or, at any rate, the esophagus--to take a widdle bitty plane flight?  Pussy!  You go, Spirit!

Sad news from VOGUE MAGAZINE (6).  The editors of all 19 editions (?!?) have agreed to stop running photographs of models who are under the age of 16 or who "appear" to have eating disorders.  Great!  Now what do I have to look forward to every month?  Pictures of fat-ass, size-4 19 year olds?  Thanks a lot, Anna Wintour!

I frankly don't even understand the next item: SARAH PHILLIPS ESPN (5).  From what I can gather, Phillips is a writer who may or may not exist, and who, if she does exist, might be guilty of some sort of crime.  The possibly corporeal writer was definitely fired by ESPN, though.  So, for those of you who thought never to see existential drama at the network that gave you Chris "Boomer" Berman and the Two-Minute Drill. . . well, there you go.

KATE UPTON (4) is. .  . ah, who cares, here's a picture:

In the "news to no one" category comes a report that CNN RATINGS (3) suck.  The only bright spot for the venerable broadcaster is that, when disaster strikes, CNN is often the "go-to" network.  In other words, CNN benefits from cataclysmic news. . . . Can anyone account for CNN's whereabouts when the Fukushima reactor went kerflooey?  Too soon?

LINDA EVANGELISTA (2) is. . . never mind, here's a picture:

(Incidentally, given Vogue's above-mentioned policy eschewing anorexic jailbait, THIS is the kind of atrocity we can look forward to on future covers.  Ugh!)

Finally, KELLY RIPA (1) has ruled out her husband, Mark Consuelos, as a permanent co-host for her "Live with Kelly and Not Regis" show.  Having apparently exhausted every Hollywood resource, Ripa will continue to audition friends and family members--next up, Ripa's periodontist, Dr. Murray Goldstein.  I expect a call to Solipsist Central any day now.

Thursday Trendwatch

It's been a few weeks, but the Trendwatch is back.  Let's see what we've been missing:

First off, as we've always suspected, organic food will kill your baby!  That's because "Big Vegan" just looooves it some arsenic.  Turns out that organic brown rice syrup, an ingredient in many organic all-natural baby foods, may contain amounts of arsenic far in excess of the federally recommended amounts.  Kind of disconcerting to discover that there IS a federally recommended amount of arsenic, but I guess arsenic is the new riboflavin.  Anyway, BABY FOOD ARSENIC (10) kind of makes high fructose corn syrup sound not so bad.

Ready for some good news?  OIL PRICES (9) held steady!  Of course, that was only after they surged earlier this week on news that Iran might cut off European supplies.  Even so, we're happy to report a story with the word "surge" in it that doesn't involve Santorum--of any definition.

A new study suggests a relationship between SLEEP AND ALZHEIMER'S (8).  Specifically, people who wake up frequently during the night may be at higher risk of the disease.  Great!  I have always had a problem sleeping through the night.

Also, a new study suggests a relationship between SLEEP AND ALZHEIMER'S (8).  Specifically, people who wake up frequently during the night may be at higher risk of the disease.  Great!  I have always had a problem sleeping through the night.  (That joke just NEVER gets old.)

The Kennedys are trendy again!  Were they ever not?  JOSEPH KENNEDY III (7) is running for Congress, while JACKIE KENNEDY (6) is still dead.  Her White House Tour special turns 50, though, so her vital hold on American culture continues.  ALCOHOLISM (5) is also trendy, but that may just be a coattail effect from the whole Kennedy thing.

CISSY HOUSTON (4), Whitney's mom, is "devastated" over her daughter's death.  This is what passes for journalism these days?  In an equally shocking story, a majority of women surveyed find George Clooney "handsome."

In honor of President's weekend, the San Francisco area will experience a BAY BRIDGE CLOSING (3) this weekend.  San Francisco department stores anticipate a profitable weekend and are advertising major discounts on items that no one will be able to get to.

JULIA ROBERTS (2) and Meryl Streep will play a mother-daughter pair in a film adaptation of "August: Osage County."  Only Julia Roberts, though, is trendy.  Had Meryl gone ahead with the original plan, in which she would have played both roles, as well as the role of Winston Churchill (written into the screenplay just to give Streep the chance at a Best Supporting Actor Oscar)., she might have made the cut.

Finally, the top spot on the Trendwatch goes to none other than MONICA LEWINSKY (1).  Because, like the Trendwatch itself, illicit presidential fellatio just never goes out of style.
 

Thursday Trendwatch

Following the logic that the enemy of my enemy is, at the very least, my frenemy, the Obama administration announced that it would sell F-15 FIGHTER JETS (10) to Saudi Arabia for about $30 billion, which will quickly be returned to the monarchy in exchange for oil.  Still, the move makes sense when you consider that Saudi Arabia is a staunch American allies in the volatile Middle East, not like that nasty country from which most of the 9/11 hijackers came, Saudi Arabia.

With all that oil money, perhaps we could interest the Saudis in purchasing some shiny new American houses.  They could take advantage of ridiculously low FIXED MORTGAGE RATES (9), which, while finishing the year slightly above their all-time low, nevertheless present an irresistible opportunity to anyone with money to buy a new house.  So, y'know, nobody in America, but still. . . .

Coming in at number 8 on the Trendwatch is ALZHEIMER'S.

And, coming in at number 8 on the Trendwatch is ALZHEIMER'S.

Now, some sad news for all you fans of KATY PERRY AND RUSSELL BRAND (7) (the couple, not the individuals, 'cause God knows why anyone would be fans of either one individually).  They may be having difficulties.  I'm surprised.  Not that they're having difficulties, I'm surprised that they're married, but that just shows you the level of my pop-culture knowledge.  I suspect the trouble started when Katy Perry spent that "platonic" weekend with Elmo after her infamous "Sesame Street" appearance.  Just friends, my eye!

Fear not, though: The world of celebrity romantic entanglements continues to spin with news that ZOE SALDANA (6) is dating Bradley Cooper.  How he got all the way to Pandora, I'll never understand.

Today, for those of you who missed it, was DUMP GODADDY DAY (5).  The online domain-name company has found itself the target of boycotts because of its initial unwillingness (since disavowed) to oppose SOPA--the Stop Internet Piracy Act--which goes before Congress next month.  So, yes: Sexist advertising?  Fine.  Corporate legislative policy, which, frankly, would seem to have little impact on the legislation under consideration anyway?  Boycott 'em!  Incidentally, December 29 is also Pepper-Pot Day, a holiday on which we commemorate the soup that the Continental Army ate during the harsh winter of 1777-78.  Seriously!  More people should know about this holiday.  Maybe I'll start a website about it.  Wonder if the name Rememberpepperpotday.com is taken?  Where could I go to find out. . . .?

PIPPA MIDDLETON (4), having attended numerous weddings this past year, says she herself feels she is "undatable."  Has she considered that nobody wants to date someone named "Pippa"?

REGGIE BUSH (3), the Miami Dolphins running back missed practice today.  At the same time, he also speculated that he was capable of breaking various football records.  Not sure whether one of the records he's shooting for is most practices missed, but, if so, he might have a shot.

I'm going to skip right by number 2 (DEBRA MESSING), 'cause it's just another celebridating story, and I really want to get to number 1, which is ELLY MAE CLAMPETT.  This is why I enjoy the Trendwatch.  I mean, I can honestly say that I had not given Elly Mae Clampett a thought in the last, oh, ever.  And yet, here she is, a fictional character from a 40-year-old TV show, sitting pretty atop the Trendwatch at the end of 2011.  What can this possibly be about?  If I find out she's dating Tim Allen or something, I just quit!

Well, OK: It seems that Elly Mae--or more precisely, Donna Douglas, who played the character on "The Beverly Hillbillies"--has settled a suit with Mattel over its use of "her" likeness for a Barbie doll.  Next, she is going after the people who decided that her character's official outfit should become known as "Daisy Dukes."

Thursday Trendwatch

It occurs to me that anyone who needs Yahoo! to tell them that HOLIDAY CARDS (10) are currently a trendy topic probably isn't trendy enough to be on the interwebs in the first place.  The same could be said about FORECLOSURES (9), except for the refreshing news that foreclosures are down significantly from the same period last year.  Whatever refreshment one feels, though, is tempered by the realization that the main reason for the slowdown was the fact that banks were pretty much forced to cease and desist after the uproar over "robo-signers": robots from the future that came back in time to authorize foreclosures and kill Sarah Conner.  It looks like foreclosures will shoot up again next year--unless, of course, we find out that banks have engaged in even more recklessly illegal activities.  So, y'know, it's a 50-50 kind of shot.

Morning people--at least morning women--seem to be at lower risk for DEMENTIA (8), according to a new study.  People who are more active in the morning were significantly less likely to develop signs of dementia or mild cognitive impairment.  They also displayed greater worm-catching abilities.

A grotesque ELEVATOR ACCIDENT (7) claimed the life of a woman in New York City the other day.  In what sounds like a sketch for a scene in the next installment of "Final Destination," the 41-year-old was killed after she stepped onto an elevator that suddenly, unexpectedly, and violently shot up, pinning her between the elevator and the wall of the elevator shaft.  Investigators are trying to figure out what went wrong.

From the tragic to the. . . inane?. . .HOWARD STERN (6) will replace Piers Morgan as a judge on NBC's "America's Got Talent."  I guess NBC wanted to class things up a bit.  And speaking of people who have fallen out of the national consciousness, ANNA CHLUMSKY (5) of "My Girl" fame has made the trendwatch in recognition, I guess, of her ability to grow from an attractive tween into an attractive adult.  (Well, at any rate, far more attractive than you would expect something called "chlumsky" to be.)

Still marveling over holiday cards?  Well, hurry down to number 4, where you will find UNIQUE GIFT IDEAS.  The top three unique gift ideas are as follows: a vial filled with the ebola virus; ocelot cutlers; and a lifetime subscription to "The Solipsist" (including an official Solipsist, "I'm With No One" t-shirt.  If you'd rather go with a gag-gift, you could always buy your friend GOLDEN STATE WARRIORS (3) tickets.

Someone keeps putting ZOOEY DESCHANEL (2) on the trend list, and I can only assume it's to annoy me.  It won't work!  I'll just ignore her and zip on down to the number-one trendiest topic of this moment in the space-time continuum, SOFIA VERGARA, who received a Golden Globe nomination for her role in "Modern Family."  On the show, she plays a stunningly gorgeous Latina with a funny accent.  I have no idea how she manages to pull that off.

A Bit of Hope

As someone who spends an inordinate amount of time living in his own head, the Solipsist has always harbored a special dread of Alzheimer's disease. To paraphrase Woody Allen, our brain is our second favorite organ. The thought of no longer being able to think is frightening.

We were thus intrigued to read today of a number of potnetial breakthroughs in the battle against Alzheimer's. All this research remains in the experimental stage, but it does sound promising. Scientists have figured out that the overabundance of plaque, which gums up the brain's works and leads to the mental deterioration associated with Alzheimer's, may actually be a "drainage" problem. Researchers used to think that Alzheimer's sufferers, for whatever reason, produced too much of a protein called beta amyloid; now, they've figured out that, in fact, these patients produce about the same amount of beta amyloid as healthy folk--they just don't get rid of it as quickly. What this means for medicine is that scientists can take a two-pronged approach to combating the disease: They can work to slow production of beta amyloid, and/or they can look for ways to help speed the passage of the plaque out of the brain.

We realize it can't be as simple as it sounds. At the same time, though, we find something reassuring in the thought that, instead of some existential destroyer of a person's essential self, Alzheimer's may essentially be little more than an internal plumbing problem. With any luck, by the time we reach our elder years, the Roto Rooters of neurology will be able to snake out our synapses and prevent any decline into senility.