What's Your SIgn? (Plus, a Special Edition of "Stuff WOS Hates")

Astronomy--by far the lamest branch of the physical sciences--has finally started pulling its weight. Taking a break from such pointless pursuits as the search for planets capable of sustaining life, astronomers have set the Interweb abuzz with a revision of the zodiac. Due to shifts in Earth's orbit, the familiar twelve signs we all grew up with should expand to a nice, even 13.

The newest member of the astrological hall of fame? Ophiuchus! Rolls off the tongue, doesn't it? The name is Greek for "serpent bearer" (ophi - 'snake'; ookus -'shlepper'); if you prefer, you can also refer to the constellation by its Latin name, Serpentarius, which is decidedly cooler, but also sounds like the name of someone who should be fighting Wonder Woman.

The announcement has caught astrologers and those who follow them (i.e., morons) off-guard. With the insertion of Ophiuchus into the rotation, all the other zodiacal signs have to shift. The Solipsist, for example, has just learned that he has all along been a Virgo trapped in a Libra's body: No wonder we've been so dyspeptic! All along, we thought we were "charming, good-looking, gentle and kind" (Libra) while we've actually been "creative delicate and intelligent." Ophiuchuses (Ophiuchi?) fall within the sign formerly known as Sagittarius and are thought to be lucky wisdom-seekers, as opposed to the more "optimistic" and lively Sagitarriususes.

(DIGRESSION: Does anyone else find it odd that all the characteristics associated with the signs of the zodiac are positive? What's the sign for jerks and Republicans? Cancer? EOD)

Whatever you think of the latest revelations, we wish to congratulate Parke Kunkle (yes, really), an instructor at the prestigious Minneapolis Community and Technical College (yes, really), for bringing Ophiuchus to the world's attention. We are pleased to report that other invstigators have followed Kunkle's lead, announcing discoveries heretofore considered too "pointless" for mainstream science:

--A group of metallurgists in Zurich have concluded that the "gold" found in pots at the ends of rainbows is actually a compound of precious and semi-precious metals, with trace amounts of yttrium.

--A biology professor in Nebraska has found the elusive "Third Eye": It's behind the gall bladder.

--The unicorn, according to zoologists in Manitoba, is actually a member of the rodent family, closely related to the capybara.

Science marches on!

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WOS here. I just wanted to say about this whole new zodiac sign: Ophiuchus?!? Ophibullshit!!! I mean, it would be one thing if it turned out that I was the snake sign! That would be cool. But there is no way in hell that I am a Sagittarius. I am as Capricorn as they come! Any astronomer wants to tell me different, he can come say it to my face! I'll give him an Ophiuchus he'll never forget!

Solipsistography:

Thirdage.com

Wikipedia

Zodiac Signs Meanings

Image from Ian Ridpath's Star Tales

Ageless Wonders (Plus, Stuff WOS Hates)

Although he came up short in the final round of the British Open, Tom Watson was the talk of the sports world this weekend. Watson, in case you don't know, is a professsional golfer. Going into today's final round at Turnberry Wells (Scotland), he held a one-stroke lead in the tournament. Had he held on to win, it would have been his sixth victory in the tournament, tying a record. More notable was that Watson was accomplishing this less than two months away from his 60th birthday.

People everywhere, golf enthusiasts or not, thrilled to this story of the ageless wonder keeping pace with--indeed, outperforming--competitors half his age. While we respect Watson's feat as much as anyone, we cannot help but see his impressive run for the claret jug as support for a hypothesis that we formulated some time ago: Golf is not a sport.

Now, wait, just wait. We do not deny the skill of professional golfers. But that's all it is: a skill, something that can be learned. What makes Tiger Woods special is not that he can shoot under par at a major golf tournament; what makes him special is that he can do it over and over and over again (with the exception of this weekend, apparently). It's really just about discipline and practice. In other words, there is nothing stopping anybody, anywhere, from beating Tiger Woods. If the Solipsist started today and practiced regularly, HE could challenge Tiger.

You may object that this is true of any sport. It isn't. Consider: Do you know anyone who plays tennis? Not a pro, just somebody who enjoys the game and is in pretty good shape. This player probably beats most competitors. But could this person outplay Roger Federer or Serena Williams? Hell, could he or she return a SERVE from either of these people? Our guess is, no. On the other hand, if you know people who play golf regularly, you would have to say that, if they went to Bethpage Black and had a great day, they could conceivably shoot as low as anyone on the professional tour. Why not?

The essence of sport is competition between players, whether individuals or teams. What makes sports interesting is watching well-matched competitors trying their best to outperform each other--trying to excel while their opponents try to keep them from excelling. And it really has very little to do with the absolute skill level of the competitors. That's why it's ultimately more interesting to watch a couple of equally-skilled amateur tennis players battle it out than it is to watch a professional golfer make a spectacular tee shot, even if that professional golfer is a member of AARP. Watching sports is fascinating; watching skill demonstrations can be interesting, but more often than not it just reminds us of grading papers.

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STUFF WOS HATES

You know what I hate? Keith Morrison! He's a television "journalist" on NBC. He's also a pseudo-literary wannabe intellectual toolbag! Who the hell does he think he is? Shakespeare? Now, I love me some real-crime TV like Dateline. But every episode narrated by that wombat makes me want to shoot myself in the head! If there were a dictionary entry for "brain-dead jack-off," his picture would be next to it! Good God! I mean, every cliche, every melodramatic metaphor, every moralistic rant, every line of his crap writing is enough to make me sick! (Ack! I just puked in my mouth!) He thinks he's some kind of master stylist, but he's more Jenny McCarthy than Cormac McCarthy, less Elmore Leonard than Elmer Fudd! You ever see a sine curve? You know how it goes uuup and dooown, uuuup and dooown? Well that's Morrison's speech pattern! Just what we need, right? An anchorman who learned his diction in trig. class! Could he BE more monotonous? My laptop has a less irritating speech pattern. Less boring, too! "TIME (rising voice) was an enemy (falling voice) for the prosecutors (leveling off)." It's not easy to lull someone to sleep with a description of a triple homicide, BUT HE MANAGES TO DO IT! It's as if Count Chocula were anchoring the nightly news! This man makes Maury Povich look like Walter Cronkite, and Walter Cronkite look like. . . .well, like God! Listen, Keith Morrison, you cereal-shilling, pseudo-vampiric, sine-curve speaking dolt: Get off the air and out of my life before I find you and punch you in your stupid ugly face!!!!

Thank you for listening.

--WOS

Better watch out for WOS, Keith

(Image from "Inside Dateline")

What a Difference an "A" Makes

"'When you sleep together, eat together and spend all day on the bike together, there's always a bit of "Melrose Place" drama going on' Vande Velde said, referring to a nighttime soap opera from the 1990s." ("Eyes on Rift Within Team As Armstrong Remains 3rd")

At first, when we read this sentence from an article about the Tour de France, we felt old. We are, as WOS gleefully points out every chance she gets, rapidly approaching (if not already in the throes of) middle age. We must be old if instantly recognizable cultural touchstones of our youth call for editorial explication in The New York Times. Ah, yes, we remember the frisson we felt when platonic roommates Billy and Allison finally succumbed to their unspoken passion! (Not that we ever watched the show! Like Seinfeld, we plead utter ignorance of such televisual pap!)

(Digression: Jerry Seinfeld was the star of a popular situation comedy in the 1990s called "Seinfeld." EOD.)

But then we thought about it. "Melrose Place," according to IMDB.com, ran from 1992-99. The average age of New York Times readers, according to a 2007 interview with publisher Arthur Sulzberger, is 37 (42 for the print edition). In other words, the average reader of the paper in which the editor felt it necessary to explain a pop-cultural reference, was between 20 and 27 years old when the cultural referent in question was current. Furthermore, that 20 to 27 year old would have been right within the target demographic of said referent!

Honestly, the editor was only doing his or her job. What transforms this sentence from simple editorial thoroughness to ageist condescension is a seemingly innocuous word choice.

WARNING: GRAMMAR CONTENT AHEAD

The problem lies in the phrase "a nighttime soap opera"--specifically in the indefinite article "a." Consider the connotation if the editor or writer had simply said "the nighttime soap opera." Then, the editorial suggestion would have been "we know that you know what 'Melrose Place' is; we just want to make extra sure that everyone can appreciate Vande Velde's allusion." Conversely, the use of "a" implies that whoever's reading this piece would have no idea what "Melrose Place" was; the editorial voice is speaking to you in a tone usually reserved for pre-schoolers to explain something that you couldn't possibly be expected to understand.

Frankly, rather than explicate what "Melrose Place" was, we would have really appreciated some discussion on the fact that this cyclist's thoughts go to "the nighttime soap opera from the 1990s" immediately after he was talking about how the cyclists "sleep together." Maybe the Tour de France is more exciting than we thought!

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Cultural Illiteracy Update

As of this moment, here are the "Top Ten" Yahoo! searches for today.

10: Aaron Sorkin: The creator of "The West Wing" and playwright of "A Few Good Men" among other things. Don't know why he's there.

9: Barclays Scottish Open: Well, if its GOLF, it's probably a tune-up for the British Open, which starts on Thursday. Let's give ourselves credit for this one.

8. Best Man Speeches: Uh. . . .?

7. Sail Boston 2009: Is that an event or a command? We don't know.

6. Giada De Laurentiis: Dino's daughter? We got nothin'.

5. Cooking Schools: Christ, Sunday's just shaping up to be a total washout. Why are people searching "cooking schools"?!?

4. Codex Sinaiticus: Well, a "codex" is a book--generally a bible. Is this a Bible found at Mt. Sinai? (It also kind of sounds like a cold medicine.)

3. Paula Creamer: OK, she's a golfer! The LPGA US Open is going on! It all falls into place!

2. Entourage: HBO show. New episodes?

1. Rihanna: A popular singer whom one can "throw" at friends on Facebook. We don't know.

Boy, today was dismal. We give ourselves a score of 20% (and that's only giving ourselves credit for "Barclays Scottish Open," which is kind of a guess). For the week, this drops our overall score to 41.7%. The experiment concludes tomorrow.

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Today we introduce a new occasional feature of "The Solipsist." Starting today, our very own WOS will contribute "thought pieces" on a variety of topics. Now, it should be understood that WOS is a caring nurturer, but she has what the Scots refer to as "anger." Herewith, the first installment of "Stuff WOS Hates":

You know what I hate?!? That stupid lady on the Dannon Light and Fit Yogurt commercial! That dumb whore rips the lid off that yogurt and slurps it down like she's never seen a spoon in her life! Goddamn I hate that slurping noise! It makes me want to rip my ears off! Sounds like a blow job gone wrong!

(Digression: It should be noted that the Solipsist himself has no particular problem with this commercial. EOD)

And THEN! And then! And then that idiot smiles! That stupid dumbass smile! I wanna wipe that stupid smile right off her stupid face. God I hate her stupid face with her damn button nose and stupid blond hair. I know that's a redundancy of "stupid"! You wanna make something of it?!? Now every time that commercial comes on, I have to mute the television so that I don't hear her slurping! And then I forget to UNMUTE the TV when my shows come back on! God I hate her! Bitch, stay away from me or you're gonna get an asskicking! And if I ever see you in a store slurping yogurt, I'm gonna grab a spoon, scoop out your eyes, and shove them down your throat so you can see when I plant my foot square in your ass.

Thank you for listening.

--WOS