Thursday Trendwatch--Monday Edition

If you don't want to contract PROSTATE CANCER (10)--and these days, who does?  I mean, prostate cancer went out with Crocs and Tamagochi.  Anyone who's anyone is coming down with bird flu these days. . . . Wait, what was I talking about?  Oh, yeah: If you want to avoid prostate cancer, you may want to consider circumcision.  Scientists are unsure about the exact mechanism, but a recent study found that men who have prostate cancer are less likely to be circumcised.  Less likely than what was not made clear.

Speaking of prostate cancer--and, for that matter, circumcision--LARRY KING (9) is reportedly launching his very own show on internet TV.

With an internet show, King can now add another media outlet to a list of previous platforms that includes television, radio, print media, Vaudeville music hall, and the Lascaux cave paintings.

Larry King is very old, is what I'm saying.

Number 8 on the Trendwatch is AT&T, but when I clicked on the link, I was directed to a page that said, "Did you mean AT&T?"  Well, I don't know, Yahoo!!  It's your "Trending Now" list!

(DIGRESSION: That first exclamation point is part of the Yahoo! name--like that--and should not be interpreted to mean that I considered the previous statement worthy of two exclamation points.  I mean, it's upsetting, but not that upsetting!! EOD)

Maybe I'll have better luck with CRYSTAL CATHEDRAL (7).  I have no idea what the Crystal Cathedral is, but yesterday its senior pastor, Sheila Schuller Coleman (quite a tongue twister, by the way), announced that she was leaving the Cathedral to start her own church.  Somehow, I doubt this announcement is up there with Martin Luther nailing his 95 theses to the church door, but who knows?  Maybe five-hundred years from now Schuller-Colemanism will have supplanted Islam as the world's most misunderstood religion.

HALLE BERRY (6) is engaged--to a Frenchman!  Seriously, there's something seriously wrong when Halle Berry can't get a date in America.  Well, since I forced you all to look at Larry King, here:

SARAH PALIN (5) is reportedly upset about the HBO movie "Game Change," about the 2008 presidential campaign, which starred Julianne Moore as Palin.  I have not seen the movie; however, if I were Palin, I wouldn't complain too much: No disrespect to Tina Fey, but going from being portrayed by her to being portrayed by Julianna Moore has got to be considered a step up.  It's like when the rights to my life story were transferred from Pauly Shore to George Clooney.

It could happen.

To wrap up the Trendwatch, TIGER WOODS (4) has a mid-Achilles sprain, which will provide a suitable rationale for his next round of general mediocrity.  No words will be wasted on RUSH LIMBAUGH (3).  The Bay Area can look forward to a BART EXTENSION (2).  From now on, the area's public transportation network will be known as HOBART--nobody knows why. And not to be outdone--or out-extended--by BART, 49ers' quarterback, ALEX SMITH (1) is reportedly close to a contract extension.

And speaking of Alex Smith's extension, no word on whether Smith has a prostate-cancer-risk-lowering circumcision or not.

And General Petraeus Is from "Call of Duty"

Today we had planned a stirring entry on split infinitives. Alas, we will have to temporarily postpone that posting. The following simply cannot wait.


Faithful Sloppists have no doubt noticed that we have installed a poll (look to the right), soliciting feedback on our layout. Now, as of this writing, no one has chosen option three. We know you're holding back--too polite to make demands of your favorite blogger--but we also know that you are waiting, hoping, praying for the moment when we will overcome our inexplicable reticence and address the burning issue that is Tiger Woods.

Sloppists, your wait is over.

Frankly, we must admit that we were reluctant to address the issue, not knowing what we could add to the debate.

(Digression: DOS made an interesting observation about the Woods imbroglio. To paraphrase: "I keep hearing about how much trouble Tiger Woods is in. He's got millions of dollars and at least three gorgeous women chasing after him. I should have such trouble!" EOD.)

At any rate, we're glad we waited because, after what we've seen today, we realize that anything we could have said would be superfluous. If you haven't seen this video yet, check it out.

Admittedly, the language barrier is a problem, but we think we get the gist. This Taiwanese news site has broken the Woods story wide open! As near as we can tell, the report is telling us that Woods and his wife are actually characters in the popular "Grand Theft Auto" franchise. Wishing to become real--apparently to get freaky with some red-carpet hottie--Woods took off in his car. His wife's avatar quickly equipped "golf club," causing plus-20 damage to Woods' luck, charisma, and profitability.

There you have it folks. We may have to give up our dream of being the web's primary source for investigative journalism: The Taiwanese do it so much better.

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The Solipsist would like to welcome our newest follower, Catswing. Apparently, she's a Japanese blogger who's trying to improve her English, and she's chosen our humble blog as a source for her continued inspiration and education. Or something like that.

Catswing, we'll have you referring to yourself in the first-person plural in no time. Welcome!