WHY IT'S TRENDING: A recent study determined that people with rheumatoid arthritis were no less likely than non-sufferers to receive screening for various cancers. These findings contradict those of an earlier study that found that RA sufferers did undergo fewer such screenings. It was later determined that the original study suffered from a major design flaw: Instead of assessing people suffering from RA (rheumatoid arthritis), scientists mistakenly interviewed those suffering because of RA's (resident advisors) at a number of northeastern colleges. This not only explained the comparative scarcity of cancer screenings (among what was, after all, a generally young population), but also the abundance of respondents who referred to their "rheumatoid arthritis" as "a douchebag."
9. GAS PRICES
WHY IT'S TRENDING: Why wouldn't it be? Gas prices are always a subject of discussion. If they go up, it's news. If they go down, it's news. If they do nothing, it's news! Might as well just throw darts at a wall with "Lower," "Higher," and "No change" signs taped to it. This week, the answer is. . . .HIGHER!!! HIGHER!!! HIGHER!!! At least in some parts of the nation. In Massachusetts, gas prices have crept up nearly a nickel a gallon over the past week. Blame Obama! Of course, prices are still down significantly copmpared to this time last year. Thank Obama!
8. BANKRUPTCY PROTECTION
WHY IT'S TRENDING: San Bernardino, California, has filed for bankruptcy protection. Interim Mayor Andrea Miller worries that the city will be unable to meet payroll over the next three months. Meanwhile, Pat Morris, the Mayor of San Bernardino, "said the decision was the beginning of a 'difficult conversation about the city's budget and the city's future.'"
I would humbly suggest that, if San Bernardino is in such dire financial straits, having two mayors could be considered an unnecessary expense.
7. JENNIFER LOPEZ AMERICAN IDOL
WHY IT'S TRENDING: Well, duh! If a major pop icon like Jennifer Lopez has decided to abandon traditional religion and worship Ba'al or something, I would HOPE it would make the news! Millions of girls look up to J-Lo, and if she's turned to idolatry?!? Look, I am all for the First Amendment, and I believe everyone has the right to pursue the religion of his/her choice, but a public figure has a certain responsibility to. . .
What?
TV show? She's leaving it?
Oh.
Never mind.
6. MISSING MILLIONAIRE CASE
WHY IT'S TRENDING: Millionaire Guma Aguiar of Fort Lauderdale, Florida, has been missing since June. Now, GPS data suggest that Aguiar may have abandoned his ship, which floated back to shore unattended, and jumped onto another one. Frankly, this all sounds like a plot point from an episode of "Dexter." Do we know if Aguiar ever got away with murder on a technicality?
5. CHEVY BUY-BACK
WHY IT'S TRENDING: General Motors has announced a new program, wherein buyers of 2012 and 2013 model year Chevrolets can bring their cars back for a full refund if they are not completely satisfied. GM is introducing this strategy in order to compete with a newly resurgent Toyota. Additionally, GM is promoting a "No Haggling" pricing policy, incorporating deep discounts on new cars to allow people to circumvent the negotiating process, which many people find the most unpleasant part of the whole car-buying experience. If these plans don't succeed in allowing GM to increase or maintain market share, the company may consider other strategies, like giving away a free llama with every purchase of a Chevy Malibu.
4. SIGOURNEY WEAVER
WHY SHE'S TRENDING: Sigourney Weaver stars in the new USA show, "Political Animals," which premieres tomorrow night. In the show, Weaver plays the ex-wife of a philandering American President. After running for office herself, Weaver's character accepts the post of Secretary of State. But it's not about Hillary! Personally, we're looking forward to episode 3, where Weaver travels to LV-426 on a diplomatic mission to meet with a group of aliens who have taken over a terraforming community. In space, no one can hear you negotiate.
3. MICHELLE OBAMA THREAT
WHY IT'S TRENDING: A Washington, DC, policeman has been suspended for making a threat against First Lady Michelle Obama. The officer, who has not been publicly identified, has worked on motorcycle details involving Washington political figures. Some have suggested the policeman may simply have been joking. In which case, he should certainly be fired for sheer stupidity.
2. GAY COUPLE'S PICTURE MISUSED
WHY IT'S TRENDING: Brian Edwards and Tom Privitere are a nice married couple from New Jersey. A picture from their engagement party
was photoshopped and used by a rabid anti-gay group as part of a campaign to defeat a Colorado Republican politician who supports gay marriage. The Southern Poverty Law Center has requested that the hate group, Virginia-based Public Advocate, remove the picture from its publications, and Edwards and Privitere are considering a lawsuit. In fairness, though: Look at that picture! If those guys aren't a threat to everything that is good and pure, I don't know what is!
And the number one trending topic is. . . .
1. MOM SUING JUSTIN BIEBER
WHY IT'S TRENDING: Stacey Wilson Betts took her five daughters to a Justin Bieber concert where the Oregon woman claims she suffered permanent hearing loss. Just to clarify, Betts is not claiming that the music itself was too loud--in fairness, any Bieber song played at a level to allow human perception could be said to be "too loud." Rather, Betts is claiming that Bieber himself was showing reckless disregard for her hearing (and perhaps sanity), when he exhorted the arena full of screaming "Beliebers" to scream even louder. His specific offense? "[W]aving his arms in an upward motion while riding over them in a heart-shaped gondola."
I kind of feel like screaming myself.
