In Which We Ponder the Oratorical Skills of the New Canadian Prime Minister and Reassure Our Readers that We're Not Totally without Feck

Addressing his supporters, the newly elected prime minister of Canada (like that's anything), said, "More than a hundred years ago a great prime minister, Wilfrid Laurier, talked about sunny ways, he knew that politics can be a positive force and that is the message Canadians sent today. . . . . Sunny ways, my friends, sunny ways, this is what positive politics can do.”

I imagine that, behind him, one of his aides insistently whispered, "Days, Sir.  DAYS."

*************
Just to clarify, I did write something yesterday but really had no idea what to do with it.  It's not exactly a complete, fully formed. . .  thing.  Rather, it's a half-formed paragraph that feels like it belongs in a story--but it's a story, alas, that I don't know--even if I'm the one ostensibly making it up.  So, for now, this piece resides in my draft folder.  Maybe it will be retrieved someday, maybe not.  Perhaps in the event of my hopefully timely demise it can see light in what is sure to be the mammoth blockbuster collection of the unpublished writings of the Solipsist.  The point is, I didn't want you, my loyal followers to think that I had so quickly abandoned my Sunday pledge to get back on the stick and start writing again.  You've been disappointed enough.

Has He Never Seen American Football?

The other day, during a fall version of spring cleaning, the staff discovered an old metal yardstick buried in a pile of miscellaneous detritus.  One of the tutors, fascinated, grabbed the yardstick and began running around the tutoring center, measuring everything in sight.  The source of his fascination?  He had never seen a yardstick before.  He's Canadian, you see, and this magical, non-metric device represented just the most amazing piece of technology he had seen in his life.

Damn Equal Employment Opportunities!

Why Soccer Annoys Me

Did you know that arms and hands evolved much later than the rest of the human body?  Indeed, early humanoids used to wander the planet like so much ambulatory celery.  Many of the functions associated with arms and hands were originally handled by the appendix, which subsequently fell into disuse, good only for occasionally life-threatening inflammation.  Gradually, of course, those who suffered from strange mutations--originally known as "shoulder saggies"--became the dominant species, and arms became a regular part of human anatomy.  Did you know that?

Well, of course you didn't, because I just made it up!  But seriously it's the only logical explanation for the development of soccer as an internationally beloved sport.  Why use hands--with their capacity for precise manipulation of physical objects--to steer a ball at high speeds around opposing players, when one can rely on one's feet?  For that matter, why type with one's fingers when one could just as easily pound the keyboard with an oar?

I wonder if soccer players--when steering through a crowd of defenders or attempting to place a kick just out of the reach of a goalie--I wonder if they ever look down and think, "Wait!  What are these flapping fingery things hanging from my neck-shelf?!?  Holy Moses!  I have hands!  Oh, how I've wasted my life!"

God soccer is annoying.  Soccer is the Canada of sports!

Take Me Out to the Brawl Game

The World Baseball Classic is in full swing (get it?).  The WBC, of course, is the baseball world's quadrennial attempt to inject the sport with the international appeal of soccer.  And while not yet managing to capture the thrill of the 0-0 tie decided by penalty kicks, the tournament has at least reached a level of respectability where top-tier major leaguers are willing to take part--which is more than can be said for the Major League Baseball All-Star Game, so that's something.

Yesterday, however, the tournament was sullied by a bench-clearing brawl between the Canadian and Mexican national teams.  Tempers flared when a Canadian batter bunted for a base hit in the ninth inning, despite the fact that Canada was ahead by six runs.  According to baseball's famous unwritten rules, bunting for a base hit in this situation is considered poor form--piling on runs for no particular purpose.  At the WBC, however, the strategy makes sense: "Run differential" is a factor used in deciding which teams advance in the tournament in the event of ties in the final standings, so teams understandably want to score as many runs--even "meaningless" runs--as possible.

Despite this reasonable explanation for the strategy, the Mexican pitcher seemed to take offense: He hit the next batter with a pitch, which led to small onfield riot. Even fans got into the act, throwing water bottles and baseballs at players and coaches.  Whether this will prove to be a black eye for the WBC remains to be seen.  Indeed, some commentators speculate that this could be good in the long run, as it provides evidence to uninterested American fans (and players) that this tournament is something that players take seriously.

The deeper significance, though, may be a move toward elminating the inanity of Daylight Savings Time: After all, if springing forward makes Canadians cranky, imagine the effect it must have on the rest of us.

The Last "Solipsist"?

I suppose I should use today's post to settle accounts, what with it being the LAST "Solipsist" ever and all.  I don't really have anyone to settle accounts WITH, though--except maybe Canadians.  I don't really think this whole Mayan Apocalypse is going to happen; from what I can tell, the end of the Mayan calendar means the end of the world in the same way that the end of the calendar hanging next to your refrigerator means the end of the world.  Still, if there's any bright spot to the potential end of everything, it's that if I go, then those maple-sucking beaver-lovers go down with me!

Hm.  I guess I DO have some accounts to settle.

Maybe the Mayans Were Right

This is how the world ends: Not with a bang, but with a sizzle.  Or a lack therof.  Depending on whom you believe, the world is either heading for an imminent and unavoidable bacon shortage or the bacon supply is fine and dandy.  Consider, though: The people warning of a baconless 2013 are those stalwart Brits, while only feckless Canadians seek to reassure us there is nothing to worry about.  Draw your own conclusions.

I, for one, am too shaken to go on blogging at this moment.  To the supermarket!

Thursday Trendwatch (Saturday Edition)

10. ROBOT SURGERY
Why it's trending: According to a headline on Foxnews.com (and I can only imagine what kind of sinister GOP cookies just got embedded in my computer when I went to THAT site), "Questions remain on value of robot prostate surgery."  I didn't even realize robots had prostates!

9. MITT ROMNEY
Why he's trending: I'll give you three guesses, and the first two don't count.  Specifically, though, the Mittster has affirmed that, if elected, he "will not take God out of the name of our party platform."  The Democrats, of course, first removed and then reinstated the Almighty in their party platform, a non-story that Republicans predictably milked for all it was worth.  I was unaware that God appeared in the "name" of the Republican party platform, which is actually titled "Republican Platform: We Believe in America."  Perhaps it's in a special font that only Republicans can see?  Or did Mitt just have dyslexic moment when he saw the letters "GOP"?  Which don't appear in the name of the platform, either, but what are you gonna do?

Asked for comment, Yahweh replied, "I'd appreciate if everyone could leave me out of it.  I stopped following politics after the dissolution of the Whig party."

8. CLINT EASTWOOD
Why he's trending: Why do you think?  Personally, I had no problem with Clint's rambling interview with the invisible POTUS at the RNC.  I did think it was a little tacky to wrap up with, "And remember, 'Trouble with the Curve' opens on September 7. Peace out!"

7. COCA-COLA FLAVOR DROPS
Why it's trending: Technically, what's trending is "Dasani drops," a soon-to-be-introduced water-enhancer from the Coca-Cola Company.  Added to water, the drops turn boring H2O into a fruity, refreshing treat.  One word of caution: Do NOT  drink undiluted Dasani drops: Stuff's like uncut heroin.

6. KIM ZOLCIAK
Why she's trending: Because she just gave birth a few weeks ago, and CHECK. HER. OUT!

Now I just need someone to tell me who the balls Kim Zolciak is!

5. GOLD MINING
Why it's trending: With the weak jobs report, and speculation that the Federal Reserve will take further action to stimulate the economy (and thus potentially cause inflation to rise), end-timers and other survivalist types will flock to gold as a safe financial harbor.  Only a churl would point out that the value of gold is exactly as arbitrary as that of fiat currency like the American dollar, and I am not a churl.  Still, I recommend like-minded citizens join me in an internet movement to transfer the symbolic value of gold onto a more accessible medium.  Dasani drops, perhaps.

4. AMY POEHLER
Why she's trending: She and husband Will Arnett are splitting up after nine years of marriage.  I didn't know they were a couple.  Must have been a lot of fun around the dinner table. Or maybe not.  They are splitting up, after all.

3. KHLOE KARDASHIAN
Why she's trending: After completing a mini-marathon to help raise money for Medecins san Frontieres (Doctors without Borders), the reality-TV star and respected medieval scholar joined MSF volunteers on a trip to Nicaragua, where over 100 children received free cleft-palate surgeries.  She also dined with President Daniel Ortega and his cabinet and discussed opportunities to subsidize tenant farmers in the country's interi--  Nah, I'm just messing with you: She's a finalist for the "X Factor" hosting gig.

2. MICHELLE OBAMA NAIL POLISH
Why it's trending: Style-obsessed Americans have been buzzing for days about the nail polish that First Lady Michelle Obama wore the other night at the DNC.  Now, it can be told: The striking color, "Vogue," was created by extracting stem cells from aborted fetuses.  It's true!  That's what Rush Limbaugh said, anyway.

And the number-one trending topic at this moment on the space-time continuum is. . . .

1. JENNIFER GRANHOLM
Why she's trending: The former governor of Michigan gave a fiery speech at the Democratic National Convention, blasting Mitt Romney for opposing President Obama's plan to save General Motors.  Too bad she can't run for President: She was born in Canada.  I mean, I obviously have no fundamental objection to a foreign-born President, but Canada?  I have to draw the line somewhere.

Threat-Level: Superannuated

Arizona had the right idea. Unfortunately, they were too late--much too late. And, for that matter, much too south.

The true threat arrived in our country early in the last century, and it came from the Great White North.

WE'VE BEEN WARNING YOU ABOUT CANADA FOR AGES, PEOPLE! MAYBE NOW SOMEONE WILL LISTEN!!!

Yes, people, the sleeper cell has awoken! And. . .oh, now it's taking a nap.

Well, while he's resting, we'll tell you about Leeland ("Osama") Davidson, 95, of Centralia, Washington. Seems Mullah Davidson, who served "his" country (America) in World War II, was actually born in Nova Scotia. His American parents neglected to inform the US government of Leeland's birth to ensure that he would be granted American citizenship. Because Leeland's parents are no longer around (did we mention that he's 95?), and because Iowa--where his "parents" were "born"--didn't start keeping birth records until 1880, Herr Davidson cannot authenticate his citizenship.

Sounds a little too convenient to us. Isn't this the same dodge Obama used?

Davidson discovered he wasn't actually an American citizen when he applied for an enhanced driver's license so that he could visit "friends" (read: fellow jihadists) in Canada. He has since been warned not to pursue his case, as drawing attention to his status could jeopardize the social security benefits he is currently siphoning away from real Americans and could, indeed, lead to deportation. Leeland, however, is determined to become a full-fledged American before he dies. Talk about committing to a bit!

(DIGRESSION: Davidson's big mistake was applying for the license in his home state of Washington, where a 95-year-old applying for a driver's license probably raised some red flags. If he had just gone to Florida, nobody would have batted an eye, and he could have driven his car bomb right up to the early-bird buffet at Stuckey's. EOD)

All we know is, if elderly Candians can evade homeland security, what chance do we have against the rest of Al Qaeda?

Solipsistography

"WWII Vet Discovers He's Not a Citizen"

Image from KATU.com

TB or Not TB

Sorry.

But that is the question. And the answer is, "Not TB."

It's time, you see, for our quadrennial tuberculosis screening. We're really not sure why the school district makes such a big deal about this. Sure, TB is a scary communicable disease, but is it really that rampant among the general population of community college personnel? It's not as if we just got out of jail or returned from Canada. The worst part is we had to wait nearly an hour just to have a licensed medical professional look at our arm to confirm that we were disease-free.

Waiting that long, we almost wanted to hear we were sick, just to make it worthwhile.

By the way, we are now officially done capping on Canada.

Well, almost.

We're actually a bit worried. Canadians are getting a bit uppity since yesterday's Olympic hockey result:

" . . . Canadians, who consider themselves an understated lot, burst out of their modesty to become a unified, full-throated fan base. For two weeks during the Olympics, the streets of Vancouver were filled deep into the nights with people wearing 'Canada' on their sleeves--and their chests, their faces and any other space that they could fill with expressions of national pride."

Even our FFB, the normally sedate Emi Ha, is engaging in a bit of triumphal chest-thumping!

You may think we're worrying about nothing, but as Father Guido Sarducci once pointed out, Canada--with its tubercular hordes of hockey-maddened Visigoths--is closer to the United States than Texas is to New York.

Think about it.

(Image from talkwichita.com)

In Which We Once Again Destroy Our Chances of Being Named Ambassador to Canada

Sandwiched between a lengthy article on the Tea Party, and another announcing the political disillusionment and retirement of Senator Evan Bayh, a moderate Democrat from Indiana (about both of which the Solipsist may have more to say tomorrow), was the REAL news of the day: a hard-hitting expose about some really hard hitters. Brace yourselves!

It seems a disproportionate number of Canadian hockey players swing from the left! Of course, what else would you expect from a bunch of liberal pinko "athletes" whose national animal, apparently, is a leaf?!? No firm, manly right-handed stick-swinging for these rough traders of the Great White North! Instead, pansies like Pittsburgh Penguins star Sidney (SIDNEY!) Crosby happily swish away left-handedly at puck and golf ball--yes! their southpaw tendencies infect the club-wielding manliness of golf!--alike.

No one is quite sure why Canadian hockey players are so predominantly left-handed, as the "handedness" of the general population is as ruggedly "right" as in the good ol' U S of A. (Canadians' general lameness seems as good an explanation as any.)

Some will point out that a high proportion of right-handed baseball players also swing--or "bat"-- left. But there's a good reason: The majority of pitchers are right-handed, and it's easier to see the pitches if you bat from the left side of the plate. So, you see? Baseball players swing bats aggressively to fend off bulletlike pitches hurled at their heads! Hockey players are just womping on a helpless piece of rubber, so there's no excuse for--let's face it--acting all left-handed and gay.

Now, if you'll excuse us, we've just received a fax from the starting line-up of the Canadian hockey team. They want to have a word with us in the alley outside the skating venue. No doubt, they want to thank us for our insights and for helping them to see the error of their ways.

NOTE FROM WOS: I want nothing to do with this. Please don't hurt my husband TOO badly--and try not to mess up the "pretty" face.

(Image from The New York Times)