Thanks for stopping by! If you like what you read, tell your friends! If you don't like what you read, tell your enemies! Either way, please post a comment, even if it's just to tell us how much we suck! (We're really needy!) You can even follow us @JasonBerner! Or don't! See if we care!

Saturday, August 31, 2013

Why Soccer Annoys Me

Did you know that arms and hands evolved much later than the rest of the human body?  Indeed, early humanoids used to wander the planet like so much ambulatory celery.  Many of the functions associated with arms and hands were originally handled by the appendix, which subsequently fell into disuse, good only for occasionally life-threatening inflammation.  Gradually, of course, those who suffered from strange mutations--originally known as "shoulder saggies"--became the dominant species, and arms became a regular part of human anatomy.  Did you know that?

Well, of course you didn't, because I just made it up!  But seriously it's the only logical explanation for the development of soccer as an internationally beloved sport.  Why use hands--with their capacity for precise manipulation of physical objects--to steer a ball at high speeds around opposing players, when one can rely on one's feet?  For that matter, why type with one's fingers when one could just as easily pound the keyboard with an oar?

I wonder if soccer players--when steering through a crowd of defenders or attempting to place a kick just out of the reach of a goalie--I wonder if they ever look down and think, "Wait!  What are these flapping fingery things hanging from my neck-shelf?!?  Holy Moses!  I have hands!  Oh, how I've wasted my life!"

God soccer is annoying.  Soccer is the Canada of sports!

No comments:

Post a Comment