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Sunday, August 25, 2013

Just Another Day at Solipsist Central: MST3K Edition

(To begin your Solipsist dual-screen viewing experience, go to Netflix and start streaming "The Immortals."  Alternatively, you could just stream the first couple of episodes of "Breaking Bad"; you'll be much happier.)

"What are you watching?"

"Something called 'The Immortals.'  It actually looks kind of cheesy."

"I think I've heard of that.  I'm pretty sure it's about Theseus."

"Our cat?"

"Yes, Hollywood made a movie about our cat. . . . No, the other Theseus. . . The Greek hero guy.  The one with the maze and the Minotaur and the heel. . . ."

"I thought that was Achilles."

"We don't have a cat named Achilles."

"Right.  Hey, why don't we have a cat named Achilles."

"An obvious oversight."


"Why is Mickey Rourke pouring water all over that priest?"

"It demonstrates that he has contempt for the religion of these people that he and his warriors are subjugating.  He's. . .  Hey, what's he doing with that torch. . . . Oh, wait!  That wasn't water!  It was OIL!  Hey, he's totally burning that priest!  Oh, he's a bad, bad man!"

"I hate Mickey Rourke!"


"Who the hell is that?"

"That's Zeus."

"What is he wearing?"

"I. . .  don't know."

"He looks like a refugee from Studio 54."


"Wait, are those all gods?"


"They all look like drag-queen refugees from Studio 54!  What's with the shiny gold underwear and sword-hats?"

"I don't know."

"Golden gay gods. . . "

"Golden gay gods of Greece."

"Great golden gay gods of Greece.  OK, your turn."

"Uh.. . .Glorious great golden gay gods of Greece!"

". . . Gloriously gregarious great golden gay gods of Greece!  Ha!"

"OK. . . OK. . .  Glamorously glorious gregarious great gay gods of Greece. . . . Did I get it?"

"You left out 'golden.'"

"Damn!  I lost!"



"So, is this the Labyrinth?"

"No. . . I don't think so. . . "

"Is that the Minotaur?"

"No.  I mean, it can't be.  It's just some guy in a barbed-wire bull helmet."

(An epic battle seen ensues.)

"I think that was the Minotaur!"

"What kind of nonsense is that?!?  That's not the Minotaur!  I call 'Bullshit'!"


"That's not how the real Minotaur was."

"The 'real Minotaur'?"

"You know what I mean."

"And you call that a Labyrinth?  That's a shadow box in a dollhouse."

"They don't make Greek mythology epics like they used to."


"What is that awful noise?"

"I think Zeus is getting killed by the Titans."

"OK. . . So what is that awful noise?"

"That's just what it sounds like when gods die."

"This is what it sounds like.  When gods die."


"Do-do-do-DO. Do-do-do-DO."

"Um. . . "


"What are you doing?!?"

"I thought we were singing."

"We're not singing!"


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