Page Three Comes to Page One

Generally speaking--or, heck, specifically speaking--I have no objection to female nudity.  A day that includes unexpected glimpses of naked women can never be considered an entirely wasted day.  Nevertheless, I was shocked--shocked!--today when I surfed over to The New York Times website and found--on the front page--a breast!  A breast adorned with the Star of David, no less!  Had the Times decided to amp up circulation by, ahem, amping up its readers' circulation?

Well, no.  Or probably not.  The story behind the breast reported on Israeli efforts to encourage more women to undergo screening for a gene that greatly increases the risk of contracting breast cancer.  One could argue, therefore, that the picture was meant simply to illustrate and not to titillate.  But is that the case?  Here's the picture:

 

On the one hand, it's an arresting image, what with the Mogen David and the surgical scar; indeed, I assume the scar is what captured the photographer's fancy.  On the other hand, the picture also features prominently--provocatively--a nipple.  A nipple!  And thus crosses one of the red lines of "indecency" with which we're all familiar (just ask Janet Jackson).  It was clearly intentional, too; otherwise, the photographer could simply have asked the model to pull her shirt up another half inch, right?

Why female nipples are considered such hot buttons (ahem) remains a mystery to me, but there it is.  And so when the editors chose this image for the front page, they obviously knew they were choosing a picture that some people would consider--on some level--"indecent."  Maybe not Page Three of the Daily Sun "indecent," but "indecent" nonetheless.

Does this image herald a new, bustier age in mainstream journalism?  One can only hope.

Thursday Trendwatch--Sunday Edition

10. HORMONE THERAPY
Why it's trending: Well, when has hormone therapy been anything other than trendy?  All the Melky's are doing it!  (Too soon?)  Specifically, though, researchers have found that a short course of hormone therapy poses little risk for menopausal women and may, indeed, alleviate some of the more troubling symptoms of "the change," including hot flashes, increased sweating, and husband slaughter.

9. CHRIS MATTHEWS HOST
Why it's trending: After watching President Obama's lackluster debate performance against Mitt Romney, the host of "Hardball" suffered a not-so-mini meltdown, which--as much as I agree with his overall points--was kind of hilarious to watch.  Anyway, Matthews is still mad.  When last seen, he was running down the shoulder of I-95 in nothing but a pair of boxer shorts, screaming "47%!  47%!"

An interesting sidenote: "The Chris Matthews Host" was the original name of "The Dave Matthews Band."  Dave and the guys ultimately decided that didn't make much sense.  True story.

8. BREAST CANCER AWARENESS
Why it's trending: October, is "Breast Cancer Awareness Month."  In the past, women-folk have observed BCAM by posting enigmatic Facebook status updates about the colors of their bras or the preferred resting places of their purses.  While this may or may not have raised awareness of breast cancer, it DID make me aware of which of my female Facebook friends like to "go commando," so it wasn't a total loss.

7. HOMS, SYRIA
Why It's Trending: Homs, a rebel-held Syrian town on the Turkish border, has come under massive aerial attack by government forces.  Turkey has returned cross-border fire.  Syrian human rights groups, as well as international humanitarian organizations, have condemned the government's heavy-handed and indiscriminate attacks against a largely defenseless population.  As developments unfold, the world watches with trepidation.

Meanwhile, in Homs, North Dakota, Zeke overslept, so he didn't open the bait and tackle shop until 6:15.  "Might as well've not opened at all," said Big Merle, who had come by Zeke's at its normal 5:00 AM opening time to stock up on nightcrawlers, "'tain't gwineta be any fishes awake now."  As developments unfold, the world watches with trepidation.

(Because Big Merle moved to North Dakota from Maine! OK, Anonymous?!?)

6. RUBEM ROBIERB
Why He's Trending: He's the fiance of Good Morning America weatherman Sam (not short for "Samantha") Champion (not short for "Championship Mud Wrestling Live from Reno").  Anyway, they're getting married.  I hope they'll be happy, but I can't say I approve.  Not because of the whole gay marriage thing; I just have a major problem with names that look like typos.

5. SAMSUNG GALAXY CAMERA
Why It's Trending: I guess it's a camera that's linked directly to the interwebs, thus enabling people to share pictures of their genitalia even faster and easier.  As developments unfold, the world watches with trepidation.
4. STEVE JOBS TRIBUTE LAPTOPS
Why It's Trending: As the one-year anniversary of his death approaches, Steve Jobs is being memorialized by Uncover, a laser-cutting business.  The company is engraving Jobs' image on three laptop computers that will be auctioned off for charity.  While highly stylish, the computers' pancreases are extremely unreliable.  (Too soon? It's been a year!)

3. COLLEGE FOOTBALL
Why It's Trending: Frankly, I'm surprised any time college football is NOT trending on a Sunday, given that the new rankings are released after Saturday's games.  Making today extra special, though, is the fact that, in the last week, no major college programs have been fined, sanctioned, or otherwise penalized for financial improprieties or child molestation.
2. EARLY VOTING
Why It's Trending: An Ohio law that would have ended in-person early voting on the Friday before Election Day has been overturned by a federal appeals court.  This is seen as a victory for President Obama, who received a substantial portion of the early votes in Ohio in 2008.  While the Romney campaign sees this as a setback, spokesmen expressed confidence that voter suppression efforts in other states would prove more successful.

And the NUMBER-ONE TRENDIEST TOPIC AT THIS MOMENT ON THE SPACE-TIME CONTINUUM IS. . .

TALLADEGA RACE
Why It's Trending: You know, I've always suspected that NASCAR fans were a separate race.  If not a whole different species!  Good to know.

It's Australian for 'Hamana-Hamana-Hamana"

I'm a bit tuckered out from yesterday's discourse on "Anonymous," so I have not much to say today, except this:

An Australian hooligan (redundancy?) is lighting up the internet after brazenly holding up a convenience store.  This is primarily because the robber was (A) foolish enough to let her face be captured on the store's security camera and (B) has a set of bahoogies that might make Dolly Parton feel inadequate.

All of which is to say, Australia is awesome.  See you tomorrow.

Trend Updates

Let's take a look at what's "Trending Now" on Yahoo!

10. SONIC THE HEDGEHOG: Sonic the virtual Hedgehog celebrated his 20th birthday. Every virtual-hedgehog year is the equivalent of one human year: one terribly, terribly wasted human year.

9. SOUTHWEST AIRLINES PILOT: Southwest Airlines has temporarily suspended a pilot, after he accidentally broadcast a profane, homophobic speech over the air-traffic control network. Note to that pilot: Anybody who spends a substantial portion of his time in something called a cockpit should lay off the gaybashing.

8. COFFEE: Researchers at the University of South Florida have discovered that coffee may offer some protection against Alzheimer's Disease. This is great news for the Solipsist, who loves coffee. In other news, researchers at the University of South Florida have discovered that coffee may offer some protection against Alzheimer's Disease. . . .

7. WINKLEVOSS TWINS: They've decided to end their appeal of their settlement with Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg. While we're on the subject, people named "Winklevoss" should be far more elfin than these two. We're just sayin'.

6. MEGHAN MCCAIN: She and Bristol Palin have some kind of ongoing mean-girls-type conflict. We're not sure, but, we heard that, like, Bristol totally caught Meghan checking out her baby-daddy Levi Johnston. And so she was like, "Yo, Bitch, get your own man!" And M-Mac was all, like, "Ho, I wouldn't touch Levi if he was the last piece of trailer-trash in Alaska." Maury Povich is in talks to have Bristol appear on his show, where he will "surprise" her with an appearance by Meghan. Stay tuned.

5. MILEAGE RATE: The IRS has bumped up the mileage rate allowance from $0.51 a mile to $0.555. The Solipsist, who lives about a mile from his workplace, plans to put the additional money he will get back from the Feds towards a McChicken sandwich.

4. MELISSA MOLINARO: The top link on the trend list is, "5 Things You Didn't Know about Melissa Molinaro." The number one thing? Who the hell is Melissa Molinaro?

3. ANNA PAQUIN: Season 4 of "True Blood" premieres this weekend. Anna Paquin, of course, stars as Sookie Stackhouse, the psychic-siren of 'Cajun country. To us, though, she will remain that adorable 11-year-old who stammered her way through an Academy Award acceptance speech. Which is why whenever we see her topless in "True Blood" we feel kind of dirty.

2. iPHONE 5: New features include a 3-D camera, a lawnmower, and a "Vibrate" setting that will make you never want to leave your house.

And, the NUMBER ONE trendiest topic of this moment in time is. . . .

1. ANNA NICOLE SMITH:. . . is still dead. However, her boobs still look fantastic!

Laissez les Bon Temps Roullez (A Brief Post)

Today is Mardi Gras. It is also International Women's Day. So today, when you're trying to cajole a woman to show you her bahoogies in exchange for some beads, do it with respect!

Medical Alert

An epidemic is sweeping Hollywood. It strikes actresses in their prime--and in their prime parts--at a time when they should have nothing to do but lay back, relax, and collect residuals. We refer, of course, to "Bloobs": the tendency of women's chestal areas to become inexplicably blurry after they appear on basic cable.

While the cause of this condition is unknown--we suspect the FCC released a virus into the water supply of various studios--the truly alarming fact is that the condition has spread from the rarefied world of the Hollywood starlet to the general population of anonymous women who go topless on the internet:

Not only this, but we have heard rumors that the virus has mutated. We have heard about reported cases of a similar condition, which has come to be called, "Blutts." We fear that "Blenis" can not be far behind.

Nation, we need to fight this scourge. Please, don't fall victim to "Bloobs." Doctors encourage people to perform regular self-checks and, should you find yourself getting soft around the edges, vigorous isometric exercises have proven successful in warding off Full-Blown Bloobs.

(Solipsist's Note: WOS coined the term "Bloobs" and "Blutts." We wanted to call the condition "Buzzkill" ourselves, but we were outvoted.)

(Image from dailymotion.com)

The End of the World as We Know It

We refer not to this afternoon's brief Facebook outage, which, to judge from the reactions of our friends and "friends," was a 9/11-level traumatic event, but rather to the banned Katy Perry duet on Sesame Street. The romantic (?) duet between the busty chanteuse and everyone's favorite whatever-the-hell-he-is, Elmo, was pulled from the show after parents complained about Perry's "provocative" (read: cleavage-approximating) outfit.

Now, we admit to being somewhat fuzzy on the details of exactly who Katy Perry is. We know she's a singer, somewhat less famous than Lady Gaga and somewhat more famous (depressingly) than Aimee Mann. We think she's the one who, a few years ago, stirred up the fantasies of arrestedly-developed males with her revelation that she "kissed a girl and she liked it." (Big deal! So have we!) We do, however, feel that people who protested her "racy outfit" need to, well, get a life.

Years ago, the Solipsist performed with a children's theater troupe (see, "The Actor's Nightmare," 10/17/09). One of his fellow cast members was an extremely attractive woman who played "The Sun." At one point in the show, she had to bend over to speak to children in the front row, and she realized that her blouse would fall open slightly, affording the audience a mildly "inappropriate" view. She suggested that it might be better for her simply to kneel down to be closer to the children, but the director nixed that idea. He told her simply to make a bit out of it: to bend over, "realize" that her shirt was slightly open at the top, and modestly reach up and hold the shirt closed. "After all," he explained, "there are fathers in the audience."

Indeed, Sesame Street gets this, as well. In their statement announcing the self-censorship, they explained, "'Sesame Street' has always been written on two levels, for the child and adult." Parents need stuff to look at, too.

And let's face it: How "corrupted" would the child-audience be by this video. Given the show's target demographic, most viewers looking at Perry's bahoogies would be more likely to think about lunch than lust.

If the Bra Fits, Fine--As Long As It's at Least a C-Cup

We've been upset ever since we read this article in today's Times: "For the A-Cup Crowd, Minimal Assets Are a Plus." Significant quote:

"Ellen Shing, the owner of Lula Lu, a Web site and boutique in San Mateo, Calif., that caters to AAA- to A-cup sizes. ... says that while a small number of her customers come in looking for padded bras and tell her, “Make me as big as you can,” the majority “don’t want to supersize themselves.”

"Those customers, including ones who are nearly ironing-board flat, 'are happy with their bodies,' said Ms. Shing, 42, who wears a 36AA."

What the hell?!? If surfboards start to feel like they're acceptable and pleasing to men, then, the next thing you know, women bigger than a size-4 will start to feel like they are fit to be seen in public! And before you know it, repulsive uggos will start to think they should have the same rights as us normals.

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NOTE: WOS just went on record as saying that, "If you become a 'blog-of-note,' you can have a harem." She says that she then gets to have a harem, too, which doesn't seem quite fair, as she will not be quite as "of note" as we will then have been to . . . be. . . OK, we lost track of that sentence, but you get the point! You're all witnesses!