There Are Some Things Money Can't Buy. . . Not Many, But Some

HOMER: Hey what's Lucky hooked up to?

NURSE: A respirator.  It breathes for him.

HOMER: And here I am, using my own lungs like a sucker!

People dissatisfied with life have long sought the counsel of psychologists and counselors, motivational speakers and life coaches.  Now, another arrow in the self-help quiver takes the form of "wantologists": professional therapists who specialize in helping people figure out what they want--"they" being the clients; the wantologists have presumably gotten everything they want simply by virtue of convincing people they exist.  I guess a wantologist's successful clients then seek the services of a "getologist" to help them attain their desires.

Of course, if I want someone to tell me what I want, it hardly seems I need the want-identifying services of a wantologist.  The rabbit hole beckons.

Sociologist Arlie Russell Hochschild sees wantology as a symptom of a larger societal ill: the trend to "outsource" tasks previously considered essential parts of the self:

We've put a self-perpetuating cycle in motion. The more anxious, isolated and time-deprived we are, the more likely we are to turn to paid personal services. . . .If we can afford the services involved, many if not most of us are prone to say, sure, why not?

She has a point. Why spend time cooking a meal when I can simply pay for Chinese take-out?  People will object that this is more expensive and/or less healthy than preparing a home-cooked meal.  It's true that it costs more money: I could probably purchase the ingredients to make a healthy meal for a family of three for less than I would spend on the same meal from a restaurant; however, this fails to take into account the value of my time.  If I earn the equivalent of about $50 an hour, and if it would take about an hour to prepare the meal, then, financially, I sort of come out ahead in the deal by ordering in.  Some say that preparing food for one's family is an act of love and should not be equated with work.  To those people I say, if you love cooking so much, why don't you come over to my place so I can not pay you to make me dinner.  Win-win situation!

As for the relative health benefits of a home-cooked meal. . . .Let's just say, you've never eaten my cooking.

The question is, where does the "marketization" of society end?  If we can pay someone to cook our meals, watch our children--hell, give birth to our children--and figure out what it is we want, what can't we pay someone for?  Prostitution is generally illegal, but given the social trend toward paying for any and everything--and toward seeing this as perfectly acceptable--one must wonder, Why?  Because prostitution exploits the poor? No doubt, this is true.   But the wantologists featured in Hochschild's article hardly seem exploited--or poor.  Why not monetize organ donation?  If something can be outsourced, why shouldn't it be?

Now, I just need to hire someone to write this blog.  I can pay in cats.

Black and Blue

Yesterday morning, I ran to the store to buy milk and cat food (we were out of cereal).  On my way home, I passed Best Buy.  In front of the store were some temporary barricades, and behind the barricades were. . . tents.  A new front in the "Occupy" movement, perhaps?  Sadly, no.  Just people lining up early for the big deals on Black Friday.

When I was a child, I remember asking someone--I think it was DOS--in all sincerity whether stores were open the day after Thanksgiving.  I guess I figured, since I had no school, maybe everything was closed.  Anyway, DOS informed me that, not only were stores open, but the day after Thanksgiving was probably the biggest shopping day of the year.  I don't recall whether he used the term "Black Friday" or not; the phrase wasn't so commonly circulated back then.  At some point, I learned that the day earned its nickname from the fact that this was the day on which stores got "into the black" (and "out of the red") for the year.

I'm honestly not sure when "Black Friday" became a common meme, a regular fixture on the national calendar.  I realized this year, though, that many people discussed Black Friday as if it were an actual, official holiday.  Like, "What are you doing for Thanksgiving?  Where are you going for Black Friday?"  If as many people celebrated Arbor Day, we'd probably go a long way toward solving the world's environmental crisis.

I tell myself those people camped out in front of Best Buy must be enjoying themselves because otherwise there is truly no rational explanation for their behavior.  I saw in the paper that one of the mega deals being offered was a $500 HDTV for $200.  A hefty savings, sure.  But assume these people got to the "campsite" at, say, 9:00 AM (a highly conservative estimate) and would be on line 'til the doors opened at, say, 10:00 PM (again, a conservative estimate); that means people were "earning" a bit less than $25 an hour for their "labor" (the $300 savings divided by 13 hours).  $25 an hour is not a bad wage, but remember, the estimates of the time spent on line are conservative: Most people probably earned a much lower "hourly wage."  And even those at the higher end of the "payscale" are simply working for the privilege of handing over $200 to a major retailer.

OK, for some families, the opportunity to miss the drama around the Thanksgiving dinner table is a reward in and of itself--but you don't need to patronize Best Buy to receive it!

Maybe some of the nation's "Occupiers" should move their own tents in front of Best Buy and Macy's and Wal-Mart and have a discussion with their fellow campers.

This Is Why "They" Hate Us

According to a recent article in The New York Times:

"At middle schools across the country, metal lockers that were long considered decorated if they had photos of friends or the teen heartthrob of the moment — Shaun Cassidy years ago, Justin Bieber today — have suddenly become the latest frontier in nesting."

And you thought Somalians had it rough?  What's a little anarchy and mass-starvation when compared with the trials of an upper-middle-class tween with a "zazzless" locker?

Want to design your own locker? Just head on over to Lockerlookz.com.  (You know they're cool, 'cause they spell "looks" with a 'z.')  I did!

I'm going with "Aqua Zebra on White" wallpaper, with the cutest black-zebra framed mirror mounted on the door--Oh, crap!  All the mirrors are temporarily unavailable!!!  Oh, well, I guess I can fill the space with some nice purple flowers.  And, let's see. . . .In addition to some bins and a white dry erase board (with green and blue circles and dots), I'm going to go with a purple rug and black chandelier!  With shipping and handling, this comes to just under $130!

And, have no fear: If you have the mental faculties of the typical middle-schooler, the website offers handy videos to walk you through the intricacies of placing pre-cut pieces of magnetized wallpaper onto metallic surfaces.

Now. . . if I only had a locker!

Black Indeed

Remember when "Black Friday" was a term of art? We do. We remember grown-ups talking about how the Friday after Thanksgiving was the busiest shopping day of the year. And we remember someone--probably our father--explaining the term "Black Friday": the day that merchants could count on getting into "the black" (i.e., out of "the red" or debt) for the year. Stores would offer bargains, and people would make it a point to head out early. ("We're going to leave the house by 8:30 to make sure we're at the mall when it opens at 9:00!") We remember a comparatively simple time.

Now, people line up 7,000 strong at Macy's flagship store. Now, store employees literally take their lives in their hands when they open the doors to the waiting mobs. Now, the family meal has become for many simply a chance to carbo-load in anticipation of an all-nighter camped out in front of Best Buy, lest one miss out on the chance--the chance--to buy a 52" digital television for the unheard-of price of $699.00.

Do people realize they are lining up for the privilege of giving someone else money?

We realize we leave ourselves open to charges of hypocrisy with this post. After all, we type this column on a netbook (purchased earlier this year for about $250). We listen to music on an iPod ($180). We own a high-definition television, and we drive a fairly new car (although the fact that it's a Prius at least allows us to maintain that we're doing right by the environment). But we did not (and, God-willing, never will) shop on Black Friday.

"Black" describes not just the merchants' balance sheets; it also describes the feelings the day inspires.

(Image from EdinburghGuide.com)

Cause, Symptom, or Cure?

Our writing class is once again working its way through Affluenza: The All-Consuming Epidemic by John de Graaf, David Wann, and Thomas H. Naylor. As we've mentioned in a previous post, the book discusses the harm wrought upon society by over-consumption.

(DIGRESSION: No, the irony of attaching a link for you to buy the book is not lost on the Solipsist. EOD)

Today, we discussed chapter eight, which talks about the toll taken on communities by excessive consumption. The central point is that social capital has all-but-disappeared in this era when everyone wants not only to keep up with but to surpass "the Joneses"; the social Darwinism at the heart of the free-market system encourages a never-ending competition with friends and neighbors and largely neutralizes any sense of community-minded altruism.

Our discussion today got us thinking about virtual communities. We couldn't help but ponder their relationship to the "all-consuming epidemic." Are they a cause? A symptom? A potential cure? All of the above?

We suppose that social networks can't fairly be called a cause of affluenza; after all, this disease has been spreading since at least the advent of television and was pandemic before Facebook was even a gleam in Mark Zuckerberg's eye. Symptom, then? Somewhat. Or at least a vector. Facebook has caught flak whenever it has attempted to capitalize on its user's information; the idea that the social network can transmute its members into data points for advertisers proves that marketing is omnipresent, and that an escape into a virtual world will not remove you from the affluenza hot-zone.

Still, the virtual community--being, after all, a community--may hold out hope for a remedy. Of course, Facebook and its ilk have commoditized the very concept of friendship ("You only have 238 friends? I have 497!"). At the same time, isn't it kind of neat that we are no longer bound by geography when seeking like-minded souls? Most of our "friends" are actually people we know in meatspace, but those who aren't are folks who share common interests--especially interest in "The Solipsist"!

Any virtual community that facilitates the growth of Solipsist Nation bodes well for the future of mankind and its ability to ward off the worst symptoms of affluenza. And now another word from our sponsor.

And After You Buy Your 3-D TV. . .

"To the dismay of safety advocates already worried about driver distraction, automakers and high-tech companies have found a new place to put sophisticated Internet-connected computers: the front seat.
"Technology giants like Intel and Google are turning their attention from the desktop to the dashboard, hoping to bring the power of the PC to the car. They see vast opportunity for profit in working with automakers to create the next generation of irresistible devices."
--"Despite Risks, Internet Creeps Onto Car Dashboards"

September 14, 2013--GM (Google Motors) unveiled the 2014 SmartCar today. Having acquired Sealy earlier this year in a hostile-but-still-not-evil takeover, Google has incorporated cutting-edge mattress technology into its new car design. The Posturepedic Drivers' Seat promises to provide much-needed power naps to even the most harried motorists.

When asked about the risks posed by snoozing drivers, Google spokesman Eldrick "Tiger" Woods brushed aside safety concerns. "At Google, we are all for safety. To be against safety would be evil. And we are not evil. We feel confident that our stern consumer warnings against sleeping while driving will be more than sufficient to prevent our followers--customers!--from drifting off in the plush, warm, memory-foam filled pilot's chair that just seems to wrap you up. . . like a big hug. . . .from mommmmiiirrrrzzzz. . . ."

At this point, Mr. Woods, who was sitting in a model of the Posturepedic Drivers Seat, fell asleep.

Since pioneering dashboard Internet in 2010, Google has introduced a steady stream of automotive technology designed to provide a fully immersive driving experience: the "Mr. Dashboard" Espresso System (2011); the "Rolling Nautilus" complete upper-body workout(2012); and this year's immensely popular "Go and Go" onboard personal waste disposal facility--which Google engineers have ensured will be compatible with the new Posturepedic seat.

Despite continuous handwringing by safety advocates, Google's innovations have been associated with a mere 17% increase in automotive fatalities.

"Now more than ever, people live in their cars," Mr. Woods said upon awakening. "We just want to make the experience as rich as possible."

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Solipsistic Update

We haven't watched "Dragon's Den" in awhile.

Swine Flu Was Nothing

We've been reading Affluenza: The All-Consuming Epidemic (2005) by John de Graaf, David Wann, and Thomas H. Naylor. Admittedly, not the type of book we normally indulge in, our tastes running more to literary and speculative fiction. The book, however, is on the required reading list for a class we're teaching next semester, and it's a compelling--if not overly surprising--read.


The authors define "affluenza" as "a painful, contagious, socially transmitted condition of overload, debt, anxiety, and waste resulting from the dogged pursuit of more" (2). It will come as no surprise to Solipsist Nation that the US is gripped by an affluenza epidemic. Even YNSHC, generally unconcerned about "keeping up with the Joneses," discovered--after taking the "affluenza self-diagnosis test"--that he, too, is infected (albeit with a comparatively mild case). Our thoughts turn self-loathingly to the storage space we rent to hold all the unnecessary junk that we just can't summon up the will to sort through.


Although the authors have a bit of a fixation on leaf blowers as a symbol of excess--


(Digression: What do they think? That leaves are just going to blow themselves? EOD)


--the book itself is written engagingly. Chapter titles cleverly extend the metaphor of compulsive consumption as flu-like illness. The book was actually written as a sort of sequel or companion-piece to a PBS documentary, and the short chapters and breezy style convey the book's message nicely for a general audience.


We wondered, since the 2nd edition was published in 2005, before the financial apocalypse of the last couple of years, if the was still as relevant. Then we read this in today's paper:


"In [developing 3-D technology], television makers see an opportunity to persuade households that have already bought HDTV's to return to the electronics store. Though television sales jumped 17% percent in 2009, the industry needs new innovations to keep the cash register ringing." ("Television Begins a Push Into the 3rd Dimension")


We feel a chill coming on.

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Solipsistic Update

We introduce a new semi-regular feature: Solipsistic Updates. We'll look back at this date in Solipsist history and bring the Nation up to speed on where the year has brought us.

On January 6, 2009, we wrote "Not Just for Kittens Anymore," a relentless and penetrating look at the extravagances of Bernie Madoff. We were stunned to hear that Madoff had squandered his clients' hard-earned and cluelessly invested cash on such things as $200 mittens. Talk about affluenza!

Since then, of course, Madoff has been sentenced to a frankly sarcastic 150 years in jail. More importantly, we admit our short-sightedness: Who could have seen that Mitten Dynamics, Inc., would be the hottest growth stock of 2009? For dissuading Solipsist Nation from any thoughts of investing, we're very sorry. (NB: We predict big movement in the shawl market for the second quarter.)