Buckingham Bruiser

I know you've all been busy with Martin Luther King Parties and solemn observances of President Obama's inauguration (I might have that backwards), so I take this opportunity to update you on the news that you really need.  To wit:

Stop making fun of the Royal Family.  Not that they don't deserve it, but just for your own good.  Turns out that Prince Harry is quite the bad-ass.  He's off in Afghanistan flying Apache helicopters and bumping off Taliban insurgents.  Maybe it's the red hair--God only knows that gingers are capable of all manner of depravity--but Harry may be the fiercest Royal warrior since Henry V (the Kenneth Branagh variety, not that wuss Olivier)--or at least since the Queen Mum faced down a Luftwaffe squadron armed with nothing but a bumbershoot and a package of Pontefract Cakes.

So, congratulations President Obama.  And while you're guarding us against terrorist insurgents, just give a small prayer of thanks that the Brits are on our side.

(This post has been edited to reflect the following correction: "bumbershoot" is now spelled correctly.  God, you readers are persnickety!)

Where's the Outrage?!?

Oh.  My. God!  Did you hear about Prince Harry?

You haven't?!?  Oh, man, it's awful!  He was partying with this girl!  Naked!  And there are pictures!!!

What?  Well, no, I mean a "girl," but, y'know, a woman.  She's not, like, underage or anything.  No. . .No, I mean, he isn't raping her or holding her prisoner or anything. . . . In fact, from what I've read and seen, everybody was just having a good time.  So. . . yeah, um, I guess, well, if you put it that way, I guess the only part of this that actually rises to the level of scandal is the fact that somebody took pictures of a private party where at least one pair of consenting adults probably engaged in sexual activities and then saw fit to sell these pictures to an internet sleaze factory.

At least we can all agree that Harry is a creepy ginge.

Creepy Ginger Update

Rupert Murdoch's former number-one girl Rebekah Brooks was charged yesterday with ""perverting the course of justice" (which sounds a lot cooler than "obstruction") in the British phone-hacking scandal.

Isn't it past time that Ms. Brooks consider a dye-job? Because, seriously, do you think the British courts would be giving her half this much trouble if she were a brunette? As it is, she looks positively Canadian!

Ginger Attack!

Former News Corp executive Rebekah Brooks, who resigned her position on Friday, has been arrested in connection with the ongoing phone-hacking scandal in Britain.

If she avoids jail time, we have some advice about her next career move: Forget publishing! Instead, she should get together with Shaun White,

the guy from Simply Red,

and Alexei Lalas circa 1990.

They should form a Viking-themed death-metal band and go around the world creeping the hell out of audiences everywhere.