I know you've all been busy with Martin Luther King Parties and solemn observances of President Obama's inauguration (I might have that backwards), so I take this opportunity to update you on the news that you really need. To wit:
Stop making fun of the Royal Family. Not that they don't deserve it, but just for your own good. Turns out that Prince Harry is quite the bad-ass. He's off in Afghanistan flying Apache helicopters and bumping off Taliban insurgents. Maybe it's the red hair--God only knows that gingers are capable of all manner of depravity--but Harry may be the fiercest Royal warrior since Henry V (the Kenneth Branagh variety, not that wuss Olivier)--or at least since the Queen Mum faced down a Luftwaffe squadron armed with nothing but a bumbershoot and a package of Pontefract Cakes.
So, congratulations President Obama. And while you're guarding us against terrorist insurgents, just give a small prayer of thanks that the Brits are on our side.
(This post has been edited to reflect the following correction: "bumbershoot" is now spelled correctly. God, you readers are persnickety!)