Solipsistic Update

One year ago today, the Solipsist lamented his unfulfilled longing for additional episodes of Lars Von Trier's epic haunted-hospital drama, The Kingdom ("Kingdom Come Back," 8/23/10).  We thought we'd update you on our progress.

Last September, we traveled to Denmark to meet with Mr. Von Trier.  Upon arriving at his house, Mrs. Von Trier (his mom) told us that Lars was busy doing homework and couldn't come out to play with us. We explained that we represented a major American blog and wanted not to play with Lars but to interview him about his laxness in completing additional episodes of "The Kingdom."  In that case, she told us, Lars was busy doing homework and couldn't come out to play with us.

Sigh.

We waited outside for several hours, catching a nasty case of rubella, which we had always thought was a kind of cake.  Finally, Lars came out, dressed in a tuxedo, as he was about to accept an award from some international film collective.  When we introduced ourselves, though, Lars quickly ripped off his tuxedo jacket and invited us out for a waffle dinner.  Over waffles, we discussed "The Kingdom."

"Lars," we began.

"Please, call me Mr. Von Trier."

"Oh.  OK.  So. . ..hey, is it 'Von TRY-er' or 'Von TREER'?"

"It's 'Von Trier.'"

"Uh, look, this is a transcript, so people can't hear you, so could you speak as if you were typing?"

"Oh, certainly, it's 'Von TREER.'"

"Great.  So, Lars, what's up with 'The Kingdom'?  Why don't you make more episodes?"

"Are you kidding?  I made that as a joke.  I'm far too busy doing important, blockbuster films like 'Dogville.'"

"We didn't see that one."

"No kidding."

"Look, we have, uh. . .  thirty-seven shiny American dollars.  Would THAT convince you to make additional episiodes?"

Eventually, we appealed to Lars' competitive instincts, and challenged him to a game of chess.  If we won, he would make more episodes of "The Kingdom."  If he won, he would get to kick us in the throat--once--and make fun of our shoes.  We were doing great in the game, until we tried to jump his horse with our pointy guy, which is when we realized that we had been thinking of checkers.

Our Adam's Apple has recently grown back, and we still don't think our shoes look that bad.  Sad to say, though, we will not see any new episodes of "The Kingdom" any time soon.

From the "We Thought We Were Kidding" Department

Back on January 4, 2009, the Solipsist wrote the following:

Edsonville, NY, January 5--Following a record 19th straight unvictorious season, Erwin Bonk, Head Coach of South North Edsonville Technical College, readily admits to a sense of desperation. "I just really thought we'd do better than 0-13," Bonk explained at his regular postseason apologia, "especially since we only played 11 games."

SNET's record for futility has led the school to pursue a novel recruiting strategy. It recently offered a full scholarship to 2-year old Anson "Bunnypot" McGreevey, of Mrs. Piggywaddles' Daycare Center (class of '10).

"We know he's a ways off from matriculation," acknowledged SNET Athletic Director Henry Wadsworth Longfellow (no relation). "Still, in this kind of competitive atmosphere, and with the pressure on colleges to win now, or, at least, to win ever, we felt the need to be aggressive."

Though young, Bunnypot McGreevey has shown signs of an innate talent for football. At naptime, before falling asleep, he is frequently heard mumbling in a cadence resembling a snap count. Bonk, however, plans to put the toddler on the defensive side of the ball. "He's got a natural aggressiveness that you really like to see in a defensive tackle, plus the cocksure attitude of a free safety."

By way of illustration, Bonk pointed to the now-famous "Ballpit Meltdown" at McGreevey's 2nd birthday party. When 3-year-old Alison Tutwiler attempted to fake a handoff to her "Googah" (grandmother), Bunnypot came flying in on her blindside and leveled a devastating hit, causing a fumble (or, as McGreevey's mother Claudette called it, "an oopsie"). In the ensuing scramble, McGreevey's tenacity was again on full display, as he fought off a crew of three and four year olds, to recover the ball. On the changing table after the game, Bunnypot continued to clutch the red ball, explaining, "Mine! Mine! Miiiiiii-iiiiiiine!" before falling asleep.

With the heavy rotation of this video on YouTube and other services, Longfellow and other SNET administrators realized it was only a matter of time before McGreevey came to the attention of traditional college football powerhouses. "We figured, with his local roots, Bunnypot would be interested in committing to us, as long as we got to him before some of the so-called 'good' football programs had their chance."

SNET's offer includes tuition, room and board, a small stipend, and, at McGreevey's request, "a whale." Asked to comment on the scholarship offer, McGreevey threw his sippy cup at his "little girlfriend," Tina Mooney, and proceeded to chew on a block and make "gleeping" sounds.

When asked whether McGreevey's apparently abusive tendencies towards young girls was a source of concern for SNET, Bonk admitted that it was but that, with proper coaching, "Any young man can overcome a few personality flaws and become a skilled football player capable of rupturing an opponent's spleen."

Barring injury, SNET expects McGreevey to be ready for opening day in 2025, by which time the school's winless streak could be well over three-hundred games. "I'm looking forward to coaching the young man," Bonk said. When it was pointed out to the coach that Bonk would be 106 in McGreevey's freshman year, Bonk simply smiled and stared blankly at his questioner.

Des Moines, February 7--Mrs. Henrietta Toggles of Des Moines signed a letter of intent with Notre Dame on behalf of her son, Willie Moe. Willie Moe is expected to be born sometime in May. "Have you seen the ultrasounds of this kid's kicks?" exclaimed an anonymous Notre Dame spokesman. "Hell, when a missed field goal can mean the difference between playing on New Year's Day and playing on the day BEFORE New Year's Day, we'd be remiss in our duties NOT to sign the fetus!"

And, we all had a good laugh. Until we saw this article in today's Times, "Sports Training Has Begun for Babies and Toddlers." Please check it out at your convenience. Not only does it firmly establish YNSHC as a prophetic voice declaiming in the wilderness, but it also contains this gem, a candidate for "Perfect Sentence" if we've ever heard one:

“We’re not suggesting your kid will turn pro; we have to be careful about that,” said Gigi Fernandez, a former professional tennis player, who is one of the founders of Baby Goes Pro."

Comfort Mugs, Redux

One year ago in this space, we discussed "comfort mugs," ceramic repositories of psychic well-being, particularly on Sunday mornings when filled with coffee and accompanied by The New York Times, a baseball game, and thou. Frankly, given the first two, we can take or leave "thou." Our comfort mug is decorated with DC Comics superheroes--the alternate CM features "The Jetsons." Several months ago, we received a "Toastmasters" mug, which does a good job of holding coffee, but has yet to manifest any comforting properties.

At the risk of sounding double-entendre-ish, we feel uneasy when others handle our comfort objects. As a married Solipsist, we've grown accustomed to WOS using our mugs and wearing our socks and t-shirts. But still, we must stifle a shudder of dread if the mug is placed too near the table's edge. We imagine we would survive the breakage of the mug, but would it be a life worth living?

The corollary of loving things is fearing their destruction--the corollary of loving people, too. Do we invest objects with significance in order to give ourselves practice in dealing with greater losses? Or does our inherent need for connection and fear of loss cause us to invest the objects with significance? The pondering continues.

And After You Buy Your 3-D TV. . .

"To the dismay of safety advocates already worried about driver distraction, automakers and high-tech companies have found a new place to put sophisticated Internet-connected computers: the front seat.
"Technology giants like Intel and Google are turning their attention from the desktop to the dashboard, hoping to bring the power of the PC to the car. They see vast opportunity for profit in working with automakers to create the next generation of irresistible devices."
--"Despite Risks, Internet Creeps Onto Car Dashboards"

September 14, 2013--GM (Google Motors) unveiled the 2014 SmartCar today. Having acquired Sealy earlier this year in a hostile-but-still-not-evil takeover, Google has incorporated cutting-edge mattress technology into its new car design. The Posturepedic Drivers' Seat promises to provide much-needed power naps to even the most harried motorists.

When asked about the risks posed by snoozing drivers, Google spokesman Eldrick "Tiger" Woods brushed aside safety concerns. "At Google, we are all for safety. To be against safety would be evil. And we are not evil. We feel confident that our stern consumer warnings against sleeping while driving will be more than sufficient to prevent our followers--customers!--from drifting off in the plush, warm, memory-foam filled pilot's chair that just seems to wrap you up. . . like a big hug. . . .from mommmmiiirrrrzzzz. . . ."

At this point, Mr. Woods, who was sitting in a model of the Posturepedic Drivers Seat, fell asleep.

Since pioneering dashboard Internet in 2010, Google has introduced a steady stream of automotive technology designed to provide a fully immersive driving experience: the "Mr. Dashboard" Espresso System (2011); the "Rolling Nautilus" complete upper-body workout(2012); and this year's immensely popular "Go and Go" onboard personal waste disposal facility--which Google engineers have ensured will be compatible with the new Posturepedic seat.

Despite continuous handwringing by safety advocates, Google's innovations have been associated with a mere 17% increase in automotive fatalities.

"Now more than ever, people live in their cars," Mr. Woods said upon awakening. "We just want to make the experience as rich as possible."

**************************************************
Solipsistic Update

We haven't watched "Dragon's Den" in awhile.

Swine Flu Was Nothing

We've been reading Affluenza: The All-Consuming Epidemic (2005) by John de Graaf, David Wann, and Thomas H. Naylor. Admittedly, not the type of book we normally indulge in, our tastes running more to literary and speculative fiction. The book, however, is on the required reading list for a class we're teaching next semester, and it's a compelling--if not overly surprising--read.


The authors define "affluenza" as "a painful, contagious, socially transmitted condition of overload, debt, anxiety, and waste resulting from the dogged pursuit of more" (2). It will come as no surprise to Solipsist Nation that the US is gripped by an affluenza epidemic. Even YNSHC, generally unconcerned about "keeping up with the Joneses," discovered--after taking the "affluenza self-diagnosis test"--that he, too, is infected (albeit with a comparatively mild case). Our thoughts turn self-loathingly to the storage space we rent to hold all the unnecessary junk that we just can't summon up the will to sort through.


Although the authors have a bit of a fixation on leaf blowers as a symbol of excess--


(Digression: What do they think? That leaves are just going to blow themselves? EOD)


--the book itself is written engagingly. Chapter titles cleverly extend the metaphor of compulsive consumption as flu-like illness. The book was actually written as a sort of sequel or companion-piece to a PBS documentary, and the short chapters and breezy style convey the book's message nicely for a general audience.


We wondered, since the 2nd edition was published in 2005, before the financial apocalypse of the last couple of years, if the was still as relevant. Then we read this in today's paper:


"In [developing 3-D technology], television makers see an opportunity to persuade households that have already bought HDTV's to return to the electronics store. Though television sales jumped 17% percent in 2009, the industry needs new innovations to keep the cash register ringing." ("Television Begins a Push Into the 3rd Dimension")


We feel a chill coming on.

****************************************************
Solipsistic Update

We introduce a new semi-regular feature: Solipsistic Updates. We'll look back at this date in Solipsist history and bring the Nation up to speed on where the year has brought us.

On January 6, 2009, we wrote "Not Just for Kittens Anymore," a relentless and penetrating look at the extravagances of Bernie Madoff. We were stunned to hear that Madoff had squandered his clients' hard-earned and cluelessly invested cash on such things as $200 mittens. Talk about affluenza!

Since then, of course, Madoff has been sentenced to a frankly sarcastic 150 years in jail. More importantly, we admit our short-sightedness: Who could have seen that Mitten Dynamics, Inc., would be the hottest growth stock of 2009? For dissuading Solipsist Nation from any thoughts of investing, we're very sorry. (NB: We predict big movement in the shawl market for the second quarter.)