The New York Times, January 4, 2009
Edsonville, NY, January 5--Following a record 19th straight unvictorious season, Erwin Bonk, Head Coach of South North Edsonville Technical College, readily admits to a sense of desperation. "I just really thought we'd do better than 0-13," Bonk explained at his regular
postseason apologia, "especially since we only played 11 games."
SNET's record for futility has led the school to pursue a novel recruiting strategy. It recently offered a full scholarship to 2-year old Anson "Bunnypot" McGreevey, of Mrs. Piggywaddles' Daycare Center (class of '10).
"We know he's a ways off from matriculation," acknowledged SNET Athletic Director Henry Wadsworth Longfellow (no relation). "Still, in this kind of competitive atmosphere, and with the pressure on colleges to win now, or, at least, to win ever, we felt the need to be aggressive."
Though young, Bunnypot McGreevey has shown signs of an innate talent for football. At naptime, before falling asleep, he is frequently heard mumbling in a cadence resembling a snap count. Bonk, however, plans to put the toddler on the defensive side of the ball. "He's got a natural aggressiveness that you really like to see in a defensive tackle, plus the cocksure attitude of a free safety."
By way of illustration, Bonk pointed to the now-famous "Ballpit Meltdown" at McGreevey's 2nd birthday party. When 3-year-old Alison Tutwiler attempted to fake a handoff to her "Googah" (grandmother), Bunnypot came flying in on her blindside and leveled a devastating hit, causing a fumble (or, as McGreevey's mother Claudette called it, "an oopsie"). In the ensuing scramble, McGreevey's tenacity was again on full display, as he fought off a crew of three and four year olds, to recover the ball. On the changing table after the game, Bunnypot continued to clutch the red ball, explaining, "Mine! Mine! Miiiiiii-iiiiiiine!" before falling asleep.
With the heavy rotation of this video on YouTube and other services, Longfellow and other SNET administrators realized it was only a matter of time before McGreevey came to the attention of traditional college football powerhouses. "We figured, with his local roots, Bunnypot would be interested in committing to us, as long as we got to him before some of the so-called 'good' football programs had their chance."
SNET's offer includes tuition, room and board, a small stipend, and, at McGreevey's request, "a whale." Asked to comment on the scholarship offer, McGreevey threw his sippy cup at his "little girlfriend," Tina Mooney, and proceeded to chew on a block and make "gleeping" sounds.
When asked whether McGreevey's apparently abusive tendencies towards young girls was a source of concern for SNET, Bonk admitted that it was but that, with proper coaching, "Any young man can overcome a few personality flaws and become a skilled football player capable of rupturing an opponent's spleen."
Barring injury, SNET expects McGreevey to be ready for opening day in 2025, by which time the school's winless streak could be well over three-hundred games. "I'm looking forward to coaching the young man," Bonk said. When it was pointed out to the coach that Bonk would be 106 in McGreevey's freshman year, Bonk simply smiled and stared blankly at his questioner.
Des Moines, February 7--Mrs. Henrietta Toggles of Des Moines signed a letter of intent with Notre Dame on behalf of her son, Willie Moe. Willie Moe is expected to be born sometime in May. "Have you seen the ultrasounds of this kid's kicks?" exclaimed an anonymous Notre Dame spokesman. "Hell, when a missed field goal can mean the difference between playing on New Year's Day and playing on the day BEFORE New Year's Day, we'd be remiss in our duties NOT to sign the fetus!"