In Which We Anticipate People Correcting Our Spelling of 'Wompa'

Unless you've spent the last several months hanging upside down in a wompa cave, you know that the latest installment in the "Star Wars" saga, "The Force Awakens," opens galaxy-wide this weekend. Thousands of people have already purchased their tickets, presumably worried the movie will open and close between midnight and 1:00 AM Friday.  I myself am decidedly less enthusiastic.

Don't get me wrong.  I'm certainly going to see the darn thing.  I've already decided that, if nothing else, it will form a lovely portion of my Jewish Christmas--an appetizer for the Chinese food, as it were.  But I find myself substantially less geeked out about the whole thing than I once would have been.  I rationalize my lassitude by claiming general disappointment with the last trilogy: Jar Jar Binks alone justifies any amount of disenchantment.  I also explain to anyone who will listen that I am at heart more Trek than Wars in my enthusiasms.  But if I'm being honest, I have to wonder whether this malaise is just one more sign that I've gotten 'gulp' old!

Then again, it's not like I'm rushing out to see "The Danish Girl," either.

Election Night Analysis

Election Day came and went while I was without power for my computer (aka, Solipsist Central).  As a result, I was unable to offer my trenchant analysis on any number of important races.  I am, however, disgusted with all the subsequent chatter from pundits of all political persuasions about what the various results portend for 2014 and beyond.  What does Terry McAuliffe's election mean for Obamacare?  Was Bill DeBlasio's landslide in the New York City mayoral race a sign of a resurgent progressive spirit in the electorate?  Or does Chris Christie's similarly lopsided victory across the Hudson River show that conservatism, wrapped in a mantle of apparent common-sense, can carry the day?  And, seriously, can we just give a rest to any talk of what the election results mean for the presidential race in 2016?

We can't?

Well, in that case, let me offer my own, definitive judgment on the 2016 presidential race: Hillary Clinton will win!  And this prognostication has nothing to do with the outcomes of ANY of the high--or even low-profile races decided last Tuesday.  No, Hillary's eventual ascension was guaranteed on Election Night 2008.  Because if "Star Trek" has taught us anything--and it has!--it's that the menopausal woman

naturally follows the black guy

who follows the old white guy.

Congratulations, Madame President!

The Impala on the Edge of Forever

Have you seen this video:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/07/10/impala-jumps-in-car-escapes-cheetahs_n_3574345.html

An impala in Kruger National Park (South Africa) leaps into a car to escape a cheetah attack.  Or, rather: AN IMPALA! IN KRUGER NATIONAL PARK (SOUTH AFRICA)! LEAPS INTO A CAR! TO ESCAPE A CHEETAH ATTACK!

Amazing, right?  Thrilling!  Yay, Impala!

And yet, all I can think is, "That impala was not meant to live!  This is not going to end well. . . . We're going to need to develop time-travel technology to send someone back to set things right.  In order to save the future, that impala must die!"

OK, I seriously need to stop watching so much "Star Trek."

Meet the Keplers

In case you missed it: NASA's Kepler spacecraft has discovered two planets orbiting a distant star that might conceivably be habitable.  To be clear: No one is claiming actually to have discovered extraterrestrial life.  But two planets of an appropriate size and distance from their sun to conceivably host conditions amenable to Life As We Know It have been identified.

Named Kepler 62e and Kepler 62f, the planets have proven that NASA scientists suck at naming things.  The Keplers are about 1200 light years from earth, which means that, for all we know, the planets crashed into each other a thousand years ago.  I'm just saying, call ahead before you make the trip.

Also, the planets are both slightly larger than Earth.  This doesn't make them unlivable, but if you go there, you are likely to feel fat.  This made me wonder about all those "Star Trek" episodes.  I "get" that there is a universal translator, which explains why every green-skinned beauty understands Captain Kirk's English come-ons.  I accept that all "M-class" planets have breathable atmosphere.  But does EVERY planet have the same mass?!?  'Cause you never hear the away teams kvetching about feeling leaden, or see them skipping blithely about as if lighter than air (well, Sulu maybe, but that could be for any number of reasons).

The Solipsist Reads the Times (So You Don't Have To)

84-year-old former Egyptian dictator and Robert De Niro look-alike Hosni Mubarak was sentenced to life in prison.  He thus has nothing to look forward to but sitting around his room, watching television, and eating bland food, as opposed to your typical octogenarian who's out there windsurfing.  The Egyptian people, though, are disappointed in the verdict--some people are just never satisfied!--as the judge only found Mubarak guilty of being an accomplice to the murders of a couple hundred protesters during the early days of the uprising.  I suppose this is technically true, in the same way that Hitler was an accomplice to the SS.  Interestingly, this disappointing verdict has once again united the country: Islamists, liberals, and bears (oh my) have once again banded together to protest the corruption of the ruling elite.  Nothing like a common enemy to bring out the best in people.

In other news, the world economy still sucks.  The basic problem seems to be that we live in a globally interconnected world without globally interconnected regulatory systems.  (Don't say that out loud, though: People will accuse you of being a New-World Order leftist like, uh, the first President Bush.)

It turns out that Mitt Romney is a "Star Trek" fan.  Initially, this news worried me, as I feared it might induce certain people--FOS, for instance--to vote for the man.  Then I realized this was unlikely: After all, Romney may be a closet "Trek"-enthusiast (he rejects the "Trekkie" appellation), but Barack Obama is the nation's first Vulcan president.  Finding out Mitt Romney likes "Star Trek," though, does make him harder to hate, until I remember his attitudes toward everything that people who value a decent society hold dear; then I regain my urge to hurl tribbles at the man.

Iraq has increased its oil output tremendously, so much so, in fact, that the international community is cautiously optimistic that stronger sanctions against Iran may not prove as disruptive to world oil supplies.  Commenting on this news, former National Security Advisor and Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice said, "This is welcome news, of course.  Still, I would once again emphasize that increased oil production was never the predominant concern; liberating Iraq from a dictatorial regime and bringing democracy to the Middle East were."  Former Vice President Dick Cheney, in contrast, cackled and exclaimed, "Yahtzee!"

I was also disturbed to hear that, despite the fall of Saddam Hussein, the tradition of state-sanctioned torture continues in Iraq.  At an auction for oil contracts, "An elevator-music rendition of Lionel Richie's 'Hello' played over and over."  Monsters!

The more painkillers are used--and the earlier in treatment they are prescribed--the greater the overall costs to employers.  Hm.  You know, when you see that sentence typed out, you realize that one of the central premises of this article is that if you take more pills and use them for a longer period of time, it will cost more money.  No wonder Times readers are so well-informed!

Finally, the Times provides an interesting discussion of the various controversies and disputes around the Sept. 11 Memorial Museum.  One ongoing debate focused on whether or not to include photographs of the 19 hijackers who crashed planes into the World Trade Center, the Pentagon, and a field in Pennsylvania.  Those opposed claim that this affords the murderers an undeserved honor.  It really doesn't, though.  Photographs of criminals don't celebrate the criminals.  Think of these as mug shots.

The Solipsist Does It Again!

Longtime Sloppists will recall that, awhile back, as a sort of sop to his most devoted acolytes, YNSHC devoted roughly a week's worth of posts to the topics of "Star Trek" and cereal.  Well,  check this out:

Click here.

Now, obviously, the powers-that-be have been reading us, and they have wisely concluded that the key to market--if not world--domination is to cater to our needs and desires.  So, rejoice Sloppists!  Those of you fanatically devoted to "Star Trek" can now eat part of a complete breakfast!  And those of you fanatically devoted to cereal can. . . well. . . you can keep eating cereal!  And it'll have marshmallows that look like Starfleet insignia!  Extra-yummy!

You're welcome!

********************************

Oh, by the way, happy Earth Day!  And/or happy Administrative Professionals' (formerly Secretaries) Day!  Yes, they're BOTH today!  Bad planning, we think.  How is one supposed to juggle all one's social obligations?

Reference This! (or, Darmok Revisited)

(FOS will no doubt correct any misspellings in this post.)

Although our relationship has ended, we can forever take comfort in the good times we enjoyed.  Or, "We'll always have [Paris, but feel free to insert an appropriate place name for your specific situation]."

Your destination may be reached by sticking to an easily marked path.  Or, "Follow the yellow brick road."

The situation has become intolerable, and I would very much like to leave.  Or, "Beam me up, Scotty!"

(Digression: The Solipsist has it on good authority that, despite its near universal recognizability, the above phrase was never actually spoken on "Star Trek."  It was always some variation, generally along the lines of "Three to beam up."  Nevertheless, like "Play it again, Sam," another misremembered classic, the phrase has entered the pop-culture lexicon, unlikely to be expunged or revised.  End of digression.)

One of the Solipsist's favorite episodes of "Star Trek: The Next Generation" (that's TNG to aficionados) is entitled "Darmok."  In this episode, the Enterprise is sent on a diplomatic mission to establish an alliance with the Dathon.  The Dathon are amenable.  The problem is that, despite the miraculous technology of the universal translator (the device that answers the eternal question: "Why does every alien race on Star Trek speak English"), the Dathon are completely unintelligible.  When Captain Picard attempts to begin a dialogue in true ambassadorial mode (and when Patrick Stewart is being ambassadorial with you, you've damn well been ambassadored!), the Dathon respond in what seems to be non-sequitur gobbledygook, saying things like, "Darmok and Jalad at Tanagra."  It SEEMS like English, but it doesn't MEAN anything.

But of course it means something.  Over the course of the episode, Picard comes to understand that the entire Dathon language is based on reference and metaphor.  "Darmok" is a sort of founding myth of the Dathon--all members of their society are brought up on the story of Darmok, and all spoken communication is composed of references to the myth.  Picard manages to piece together the gist of the story and so is able to bridge the gaps in understanding.

The Solipsist was thinking about this episode, and he wondered, if English were patterned on the Dathon tongue, what would our founding text be?  The Bible obviously springs to mind, but its religious overtones would alienate some language learners.  Shakespeare?  Too dead, too white, too male.

No, our universal text would have to be composed from that most universal of texts, popular entertainment.  A case could be made (and hardly disproved) that any emotional state and almost any tidbit worth communicating could be conveyed through reference to famous movies and TV shows (and now, possibly, video games, too).

The film "You've Got Mail" alludes to this phenomenon, when Tom Hanks' character explains that, to men, the answer to every question can be found in "The Godfather":

"The Godfather answers all of life's questions.  What should I pack for my summer vacation?  'Leave the gun, take the cannoli.'"

What other films could provide fodder?  Herewith, the Solipsist presents the first entry in his "Guide to Dathonian English":

Not surprisingly, "Casablanca" is a treasure trove.  In addition to the aforementioned "We'll always have Paris," you've got:

"Play it [again], Sam"--I'm feeling blue.  Cheer me up.

"Of all the gin joints in all the world. . . ."--Oh, crap!  Him/Her!

"Gambling in Casablanca!  I am shocked, shocked!"--Expressing mock outrage at a mildly unsavory situation that everyone has known about forever and is disinclined to do anything about.

"Round up the usual suspects"--To make a show of doing something about a situation that, again, no one really wants anything done about.

"This could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship"--I've gained a newfound respect for you.

"Wizard of Oz," of course, is useful, too:

"We're off to see the wizard"--Our project has begun.

"If I only had a brain/heart"--Expressing (mock?) remorse at one's intellectual/emotional shortcomings.

"Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain"--Suspend your disbelief.

How about "Jerry Maguire"?

"You had me at [hello, but feel free to insert your own favorite word/phrase]"--indicates the moment at which a beloved object becomes beloved, i.e., the moment of swoon.  May also be used ironically: "You had me at waterboarding!"

"Show me the money!"--Fairly self-explanatory.

Individual quotes scattered throughout the film world will prove useful, too:

"I see dead people"--I have a problem/something is happening to me that I don't really understand, and I don't think anyone can help me with.

To which a nice reply might be, "Help me to help you" (Jerry Maguire, again--a surprising number of familiar and semi-familiar quotes from such a recent film.)

The Solipsist will continue filling up the handbook, but he needs your help.  Please send along your favorite quotes from pop culture, along with their practical translations.  It may take time, and it may be difficult, but the Solipsist is calling on you to sacrifice for the greater good.  After all, "The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few.  Or the one."

KHAAAAAANNNNNN!!!!!

"I'll chase him 'round the Outer Nebula and 'round Antares Maelstrom and 'round perdition's flames before I give him up!"

--Ricardo Montalban as Khan in "Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan."

While most eulogies will likely lead with references to Mr. Rourke, Montalban (who died today) should properly be remembered for his star turn as the eponymous villain of that Star Trek sequel.  Yes, "Fantasy Island" had a longer run than the original "Trek."  And yes, Ricardo Montalban was the star of the former and appeared in only one episode of the latter.  And yes, one would hardly argue that his performance in either the show or the movie was red-carpet-worthy.  But the fact remains, Ricardo Montalban was Khan.  And Khan was important.

Think back to the original "Star Trek" series.  Remember?  Now, imagine yourself a screenwriter in, say, 1980.  "Star Trek: The Motion Picture" had hit theaters the previous year.  And it was bad.  Most Trekkers have probably tried to erase the memory of that ponderous, two-plus-hour aircraft carrier of a movie.  Now you, our screenwriter, are tasked with producing a more satisfying Trek feature: something with, say, a plot, some humor, and, above all, a villain!  You think back some 12 years to your experiences watching the show.  Who can you use as a villain?  For the simple fact is, the original "Star Trek" really didn't have any!  Klingons?  Well, they were a warlike race and they were at war with the Federation.  Same holds basically true for the Romulans.  The Gorn?  He was just fighting for his own survival.  Harry Mudd?  Comic relief.

But wait!  What's this episode?  "Space Seed"?  Who's this handsome, swaggering, menacing fellow with the Crow Indian hair, Latin accent, and South Asian name?  Khan Noonien Singh.  He's so cool he makes Kirk look like McCoy.  And his background--a genetic Superman exiled to space along with his followers after a failed insurrection on earth--was positively Hitlerian.  Sure, in the end he and Kirk seemed to achieve an amicable parting, but that was easily dealt with in the first ten minutes of "The Wrath of Khan."  And in his heart, Khan never abandoned his dreams of conquest.  And when he returned in 1982, his was not the only surprise resurrection: It also marked the resurrection of "Star Trek."  Now, twenty-seven years, four series, and ten movies (and counting) later, can anyone argue otherwise?

And herein lies Khan's relevance.  He was the first, true VILLAIN in the Star Trek franchise.  Aside from him, the villains in the original series were largely sociological symbols.  But by showing us true villainy, Khan allowed the series to expand its boundaries.  Of course, the show never completely abandoned its multiculti ideals.  But in terms of the overall aethetic, you can easily divide the franchise into before (BK) and after (AK) Khan  AK, in the movies and the subsequent Trek series, you got villains with an edge, even when they had sufficiently PC back stories.  BK, you had the Squire of Gothos, a petulant manchild with omnipotent powers; after Khan, you got Q.  BK, you had Klingons, as mentioned above, a warlike race without much back story; AK, you had Kardassians (not to be confused with Kardashians, who are a whole 'nother kind of evil), a warlike race with flair, malevolence, and Gul Dukat, possibly the single greatest badguy in the whole franchise.

BK, you had tribbles; AK, you had the Borg.

So rest in peace, Mr. Montalban.  And rest assured, your place in culture is secure.