10. ROBOT SURGERY
Why it's trending: According to a headline on Foxnews.com (and I can only imagine what kind of sinister GOP cookies just got embedded in my computer when I went to THAT site), "Questions remain on value of robot prostate surgery." I didn't even realize robots had prostates!
9. MITT ROMNEY
Why he's trending: I'll give you three guesses, and the first two don't count. Specifically, though, the Mittster has affirmed that, if elected, he "will not take God out of the name of our party platform." The Democrats, of course, first removed and then reinstated the Almighty in their party platform, a non-story that Republicans predictably milked for all it was worth. I was unaware that God appeared in the "name" of the Republican party platform, which is actually titled "Republican Platform: We Believe in America." Perhaps it's in a special font that only Republicans can see? Or did Mitt just have dyslexic moment when he saw the letters "GOP"? Which don't appear in the name of the platform, either, but what are you gonna do?
Asked for comment, Yahweh replied, "I'd appreciate if everyone could leave me out of it. I stopped following politics after the dissolution of the Whig party."
8. CLINT EASTWOOD
Why he's trending: Why do you think? Personally, I had no problem with Clint's rambling interview with the invisible POTUS at the RNC. I did think it was a little tacky to wrap up with, "And remember, 'Trouble with the Curve' opens on September 7. Peace out!"
7. COCA-COLA FLAVOR DROPS
Why it's trending: Technically, what's trending is "Dasani drops," a soon-to-be-introduced water-enhancer from the Coca-Cola Company. Added to water, the drops turn boring H2O into a fruity, refreshing treat. One word of caution: Do NOT drink undiluted Dasani drops: Stuff's like uncut heroin.
6. KIM ZOLCIAK
Why she's trending: Because she just gave birth a few weeks ago, and CHECK. HER. OUT!
Now I just need someone to tell me who the balls Kim Zolciak is!
5. GOLD MINING
Why it's trending: With the weak jobs report, and speculation that the Federal Reserve will take further action to stimulate the economy (and thus potentially cause inflation to rise), end-timers and other survivalist types will flock to gold as a safe financial harbor. Only a churl would point out that the value of gold is exactly as arbitrary as that of fiat currency like the American dollar, and I am not a churl. Still, I recommend like-minded citizens join me in an internet movement to transfer the symbolic value of gold onto a more accessible medium. Dasani drops, perhaps.
4. AMY POEHLER
Why she's trending: She and husband Will Arnett are splitting up after nine years of marriage. I didn't know they were a couple. Must have been a lot of fun around the dinner table. Or maybe not. They are splitting up, after all.
3. KHLOE KARDASHIAN
Why she's trending: After completing a mini-marathon to help raise money for Medecins san Frontieres (Doctors without Borders), the reality-TV star and respected medieval scholar joined MSF volunteers on a trip to Nicaragua, where over 100 children received free cleft-palate surgeries. She also dined with President Daniel Ortega and his cabinet and discussed opportunities to subsidize tenant farmers in the country's interi-- Nah, I'm just messing with you: She's a finalist for the "X Factor" hosting gig.
2. MICHELLE OBAMA NAIL POLISH
Why it's trending: Style-obsessed Americans have been buzzing for days about the nail polish that First Lady Michelle Obama wore the other night at the DNC. Now, it can be told: The striking color, "Vogue," was created by extracting stem cells from aborted fetuses. It's true! That's what Rush Limbaugh said, anyway.
And the number-one trending topic at this moment on the space-time continuum is. . . .
1. JENNIFER GRANHOLM
Why she's trending: The former governor of Michigan gave a fiery speech at the Democratic National Convention, blasting Mitt Romney for opposing President Obama's plan to save General Motors. Too bad she can't run for President: She was born in Canada. I mean, I obviously have no fundamental objection to a foreign-born President, but Canada? I have to draw the line somewhere.