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Friday, January 14, 2011

What's Your SIgn? (Plus, a Special Edition of "Stuff WOS Hates")

Astronomy--by far the lamest branch of the physical sciences--has finally started pulling its weight. Taking a break from such pointless pursuits as the search for planets capable of sustaining life, astronomers have set the Interweb abuzz with a revision of the zodiac. Due to shifts in Earth's orbit, the familiar twelve signs we all grew up with should expand to a nice, even 13.

The newest member of the astrological hall of fame? Ophiuchus! Rolls off the tongue, doesn't it? The name is Greek for "serpent bearer" (ophi - 'snake'; ookus -'shlepper'); if you prefer, you can also refer to the constellation by its Latin name, Serpentarius, which is decidedly cooler, but also sounds like the name of someone who should be fighting Wonder Woman.

The announcement has caught astrologers and those who follow them (i.e., morons) off-guard. With the insertion of Ophiuchus into the rotation, all the other zodiacal signs have to shift. The Solipsist, for example, has just learned that he has all along been a Virgo trapped in a Libra's body: No wonder we've been so dyspeptic! All along, we thought we were "charming, good-looking, gentle and kind" (Libra) while we've actually been "creative delicate and intelligent." Ophiuchuses (Ophiuchi?) fall within the sign formerly known as Sagittarius and are thought to be lucky wisdom-seekers, as opposed to the more "optimistic" and lively Sagitarriususes.

(DIGRESSION: Does anyone else find it odd that all the characteristics associated with the signs of the zodiac are positive? What's the sign for jerks and Republicans? Cancer? EOD)

Whatever you think of the latest revelations, we wish to congratulate Parke Kunkle (yes, really), an instructor at the prestigious Minneapolis Community and Technical College (yes, really), for bringing Ophiuchus to the world's attention. We are pleased to report that other invstigators have followed Kunkle's lead, announcing discoveries heretofore considered too "pointless" for mainstream science:

--A group of metallurgists in Zurich have concluded that the "gold" found in pots at the ends of rainbows is actually a compound of precious and semi-precious metals, with trace amounts of yttrium.

--A biology professor in Nebraska has found the elusive "Third Eye": It's behind the gall bladder.

--The unicorn, according to zoologists in Manitoba, is actually a member of the rodent family, closely related to the capybara.
Science marches on!

WOS here. I just wanted to say about this whole new zodiac sign: Ophiuchus?!? Ophibullshit!!! I mean, it would be one thing if it turned out that I was the snake sign! That would be cool. But there is no way in hell that I am a Sagittarius. I am as Capricorn as they come! Any astronomer wants to tell me different, he can come say it to my face! I'll give him an Ophiuchus he'll never forget!



  1. Not for nuthin', but some ding-dong tries this about every 10 years or so. The media covers it for a while, everybody has a cheap laugh, and then things go back to "normal". And, just for the record, I was born under the sign: "To Let" (my parents moved a lot). Oh, wait a minute: I was born under the sign "Toilet" (my parents had a lot of movements.)