The Modern-Day Renaissance Man

"Among the hidden costs of the health care crisis is the burden that fire departments across the country are facing as firefighters, much like emergency room doctors, are increasingly serving as primary care providers. . . . About 80 percent of the calls handled by Engine Company 10 are medical emergencies." ("Firefighters Become Medics to the Poor")

In a speech yesterday, Mayor Michael Bloomberg announced plans to capitalize on the versatility and professionalism of the Fire Department of New York, by cross-training FDNY recruits to perform a variety of emergency functions. "You know those Sprint commercials--with firefighters running the world," he said. "Maybe they're on to something." (New York Times, December 13, 2009.)

January 26, 2010

8:14 AM: Truck 72 responds to an emergency call from the Upper West Side. A man complaining of chest pains has collapsed on the corner of 84th and West End. Firefighter Tommy O'Shaughnessy performs CPR. While O'Shaughnessy is at the scene, Kim Sook Woo, proprietor of the Happy Apple bodega, asks the firefighter if he could help him reach a jar of pickled herrings on the top shelf. The 6' 3" O'Shaughnessy complies.

9:38 AM: The new cook at Fred's Diner is unsure of the proper recipe for hollandaise sauce. Firefighters Dennis O'Malley and Rodney O'Connor respond. While Fitzpatrick writes out the recipe, O'Connor completes an order of Eggs Benedict, as well as five "Sunrise Specials" and a batch of pancakes.

1:57 PM: Lieutenant Carl O'Reilly responds to an emergency call at the Gershwin Theater. The lead oboist has failed to arrive for the matinee of "Wicked." O'Reilly fills in on bagpipes. The performance is considered a success.

2:13 PM: Captain Morgan O'Herlihy of Engine 72 is called in to consult with psychiatrist Melvin Harmlich. Recognizing that the patient is bipolar and not merely depressive, O'Herlihy recommends a course of Zyprexa and Depakote. He also convinces the patient, Maggie P., to enter an anger management program and to purchase relaxation tapes.

2:58 PM: Ladder 98 responds to a call from the Bronx Zoo. Lieutenant Brian O'MacNamara performs an emergency tracheotomy on a lemur that is choking on a walnut.

4:13 PM: Firefighter Irving O'Weintraub races to Citi Field to pitch batting practice. While there, he adjusts David Wright's swing. Wright will go 3 for 4 with an opposite field home run later that night.

6:38 PM: In an attempt to head off a Republican filibuster, firefighter Walter Rensellaer O'Winthorpe IV, negotiates an amendment that will provide for expedited review of judicial nominees in exchange for consideration of tort reform in future legislative packages.

9:28 PM: Firefighter Emilio O'Rodriguez fills in for ailing bartender Jimmy Fox at Lower East Side hot-spot Robots After Dark. His mojitos are a huge success.

11:38 PM: Kitchen fire at 784 Columbus. Truck 72 responds. At the scene, they find firefighters from Engine 63, Engine 58, Ladder 29, Truck 98, and Ladder 42, all of whom had rushed to the scene, excited by the prospect of actually fighting a fire. Engine 63 claimed dibs. The other firefighters looked on in envy.