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Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Jobs Flees Apple Amid Growing Unrest--A Solipsist Exclusive

SAN FRANCISCO--Citing "health" issues, Steve Jobs, President-for-Life of Appleland, fled corporate headquarters yesterday. His destination is unclear, although he is rumored to have been granted asylum in neighboring Googlevania. Jobs' prime-minister, Timothy Cook, has assumed control of the government, in what outraged protesters are calling an unconstitutional power grab.

Jobs has struggled to project an air of business-as-usual despite increasing protests about his authoritarian style and seeming indifference to the plight of his subjects. The anti-Jobs movement began late last year, after Woody McFarland of Columbus, Ohio, set himself on fire outside a local Apple store. McFarland was driven to his desperate act by frustration with the poor iPhone service he received from AT&T. Since then, dissident mobs have marched regularly on Apple headquarters, wearing "What Would Woody Want" t-shirts and frequently burning iPhones in effigy and themselves in not-effigy.

In an attempt to pacify protesters, Jobs announced that Apple would begin offering iPhone service on Verizon. While the announcement was welcomed, spokesmen for the Rotten Apple Party claimed the action was "too little too late."

"Jobs and his cronies have held us hostage for too long," said opposition leader Bill "No Relation" Gates. "Yes, Apple products are cool. But why do we have to buy an iPhone and an iPad? Shouldn't we at least get a discount? And why doesn't the iPad have a camera?"

RAP is demanding that Cook hold free and fair elections within the next six months. "We will continue to set ourselves on fire until our demands are met."

Analysts speculate that, if its customers continue to self-immolate, Appleland can survive for two more years at most. The United Nations will debate sending in peacekeepers at a special emergency session later this week.



  1. The man left because he ciouldn't take it any more! EVERY politician was threatening him! "More Jobs", they said! "The issue is Jobs!" , they said! "Forget the war! Forget civil rights! Forget EVERYTHING! It's all about Jobs!" How much can he take?!