A SOLIPSIST EXCLUSIVE--Scientists at the Centers for Disease Control and the National Institutes of Health have issued a joint statement confirming rumors that the scientific community has officially run out of ideas for things to do with laboratory mice.
"We knew we were stretching when we spent a month testing mouse reactions to different colored balloons," said CDC spokesman Dr. Michael Kendall-Ramamoorthy. "For what it's worth, green promotes digestion."
Having spent the last seventeen years and countless trillions of taxpayer dollars testing whether mice were susceptible to typhus, AIDS, lead, parsnips, oxygen, the color blue, boy bands, and bullets--among other diseases and substances--researchers have decided that the time had come to permanently hang up the mouse tongs.
"Starting Monday," Dr. Kendall-Ramamoorthy said, "we start the whole testing regime over again. This time with lemurs."