Among the things the Solipsist is thankful for today, I am thankful that I am not in Maryland. Not only because, you know, it's in Maryland, but also because, if I were there, I might have significant trouble getting my Social Security DISABILITY BENEFITS (10). Marylanders are reporting long delays in receiving approval for these vital payments, and, with disability claims soaring by about 30%, there is no relief in sight. And if the rate of disability among Marylanders has gone up by 30%, that suggests yet another reason to be thankful I am far, far away.
I am also thankful for the GIFT BASKETS (9) I am sure to receive from my adoring fans. Godiva Chocolates, Hickory Farms meats and cheese, Beers of the world--really, anything is fine. In fact, to save yourselves some trouble, you could always send me a gift basket filled with gift baskets.
If you're shopping for a teenager, though, you should consider buying a gift basket filled with SMARTPHONES (8) and "minutes." A new report finds that teens would rather receive a smartphone than a new car. This suggests something that I have long suspected: Teenagers are idiots.
Speaking of idiots, if you believed that the ALIEN SKULL (7) unearthed in Peru belonged to an actual, um, alien, you were wrong. (Sorry. Here, have a smartphone.)
The headline on this article reads "Alien Skull in Peru Almost Definitely a Hoax of Some Description." Love the "almost."
Maybe the alien skull is actually just an aborted Muppet. We could always ask AMY ADAMS (6) who co-stars in this weekend's big release, "Yet Another Muppet Movie" (that may not be the actual title). She plays "the human."
Thanksgiving is a day when we give thanks and look back to a simpler time before we cared about such things as electricity or the rights of native peoples. So it stands to reason that today's trendwatch should contain a feature on CLEAN ENERGY (5). Turns out that using renewable energy resources like wind and solar may not only be good policy but good politics--and better for the planet. There must be a catch.
Next on the trendwatch, NATALIE WOOD (4) is still dead. The captain of the ship she was sailing on when she drowned has come forward to say that he suspects her husband, Robert Wagner, had something to do with her death. I didn't know that she was on the ship with Wagner and Christopher Walken. This makes me think that maybe her death wasn't accidental: Lord knows, I'd consider jumping into open water to escape whatever those two might have thought up.
Natalie Wood's obvious heir, of course, is MILEY CYRUS (3), who spent Tuesday night partying like she was 19--which she was. Happy birthday, Hannah Montana! Stay away from Robert Wagner's yacht!
KARINA SMIRNOFF (2) has a lot to be thankful for today, too. The vodka heiress won the celebrity competition "Dancing with the Stars" the other night, and-- What? She's not related to the vodka? Oh, so. . . what makes her a "Star"? Oooh, she's the PROFESSIONAL DANCER part of the couple. Her "Star" is J. R. Martinez. I get it.
Now, who the hell is J. R. Martinez?
Finally, SARAH PALIN (1) and family are no doubt thankful today for the efforts of Knoxville, TN, prosecutors, who gained a conviction against David Kernell for hacking into Caribou Barbie's e-mail. But thinking about Sarah Palin should make us all thankful for a couple of other things, Barack Obama and Joe Biden.
Happy holidays, everybody!