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Thursday, December 1, 2011

Thursday Trendwatch

Proving that fake fire alarms are comedy gold, NBC Nightly News anchor BRIAN WILLIAMS (10) interrupted "The Daily Show with Jon Stewart" with a mock alarm.  Williams was responding to Stewart's mockery of Williams' handling of a false (but admittedly annoying) alarm that went off during NBC's news broadcast earlier in the week.  Just remember, it's all fun and games until someone loses an eye. . . or dies horribly in a fire that first responders couldn't reach because they were too busy responding to false alarms.

OK, that could be funny, too.

Speaking of funny, today is World AIDS Day.  (I checked my mailbox, by the way: Your cards and presents must still be in transit.  Just sayin'.)  Actually, some good news has come out of the front, as AIDS RESEARCH (9) has made great strides.  Now, instead of being an instant death sentence, AIDS has in many parts of the world become something like a manageable chronic illness like diabetes or halitosis.  New research also indicates that effective treatment also greatly reduces transmission.

Obviously, any hint that the scourge of AIDS may largely fade is great news.  My only concern is, What horrific disease is going to rear its head next?  Ebola?  Marburg Virus?  Mega-halitosis?  Stay tuned.

Up next in the trendwatch, HANUKKAH CANDLES (8).  Or, if you prefer the variant spelling: Hanukkah Kandels.  There's no particularly story here, other than the fact that the candles are on sale (insert your own mercantilistic Jew jokes here).  Still, since no one knows exactly when Hanukkah STARTS, it's probably a good idea to get your candles now.  And, of course, to get a jump on sending those gifts, cards, gelt, to your favorite blogger.  Or, better yet, to me: Fuck Huffington!

To go back to World AIDS Day for a moment, one of the big events is the premiere of a documentary about children living with the disease: "Keep a Child Alive with ALICIA KEYS" (7).  No word on whether the children were give a choice in the matter.

Well, look who's imitating the Solipsist, now: Yahoo!  See, we do our weekly capsule of Yahoo's trendwatch, and now Yahoo! horns in on our action by putting together its own YEAR IN REVIEW (6), or, as we call it here at the Solipsist: Plagiarism!  I mean, they're just trying to crush the little guy by putting together a sort of Meta-Trendwatch of the whole year!  I could do that.  I WILL do that.  Start sending in your suggestions for what we should include in our own Solipsistic year-end recap.  Suggestions will be ignored in the order received.

In a sign on blatant anti-Semitism, ARTIFICIAL CHRISTMAS TREES (5) sneak onto the trendlist three spots AHEAD of (REAL) Hanukkah candles.  Time to boycott!

And speaking of boycotts, KHLOE KARDASHIAN (4) has apparently not been boycotted off of TV yet, but she IS "counting down" to the birth of her sister Kourtney's new baby.  I guess this falls under the category of "newsworthy" because it suggests that Khloe possesses the ability to count.

KATHERINE HEIGL (3) is a castrating bitch!  Seriously!  Well, I don't know about the "bitch" part, but she's seriously into castration.  Of dogs, that is.  She's taken her talents to IHateBalls.com to promote the spaying and neutering of pets.
Just to be on the safe side, though, I'm officially crossing her off my list of fantasy-worthy celebrities: Everybody else moves up a notch (good news for Hillary Clinton).

Disgraced former Illinois Governor (Yeah, I know: Redundant) ROD BLAGOJEVICH (2) may get 15 to 20 years in prison for his role in a scheme to "sell" the senate seat of President Obama.  Prosecutors have actually offered Blago a choice: 20 years in prison or 20 minutes alone in a room with Katherine Heigl. . .and a pair of pruning shears.

The top item on this week's trendwatch is confusing: It's about SARA GILBERT (1), formerly of "Roseanne."  The article claims she has a new girlfriend.  I can only assume they meant "boyfriend."  I mean, Sara Gilbert's a WOMAN.  Isn't she?  I'll have to look into this.

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