Earlier this morning--so early, in fact, that you were no doubt sleeping--President Obama released the following statement:
"My fellow Americans, I recently vowed that the United States would 'respond proportionally' to the North Korean cyberattack against Sony. This heinous attack deprived the American public its opportunity to see the Seth Rogen-James Frisco [sic] comedy 'The Interview.'
"This blatant cultural aggression will not stand.
"Some have called for a military response. I have decided, however, that this would be disproportionate. Besides, all our military assets are otherwise deployed around Iraq, Afghanistan, and Belgium. (You'll be hearing about that at a press conference later this afternoon.) And so I am mandating a gentler--yet no less devastating--response.
"I call upon all American filmmakers to include the assassination of North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un in all movies from this point forward. And not only that. I have directed all major studios to go into their archives and, through the magic of digital technology, add the assassination of Kim Jong-un to all previously released films.
"The Nakatomi Tower hijackers in 'Die Hard'? They're North Korean now, led by Korean Alan Rickman as Kim Jong-un.
"Oz the Great and Powerful? Try Kim the Squat and Infantile--and, yes, he dies now.
"All the raptors in 'Jurassic Park' will soon be computer-generated mini-Kim Jong-uns. It's actually really cool.
"So in conclusion, my fellow Americans, I encourage you to go out this holiday season and take in a movie or two. Enjoy some popcorn and a cornucopia of cinematic assassinations of North Korea's premier. Just don't go see the new 'Annie'--it's terrible.
"Thank you. And God bless America."
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