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Friday, January 2, 2009

Solipsist Seeks Federal Bailout

Cyberspace, January 2--The venerable (by Internet standards) freeform blog The Solipsist has applied for federal relief to fend off the ravages of the economic meltdown.  Like many sectors of the American economy, the web-based newsgathering and disseminating and babbling about site, known far and wide as the first page visited by the guy who writes it, is suffering the effects of the global credit crunch.  Recently, the founder (who wishes to remain anonymous in case he pisses someone off)  was reduced to riffling through his sofa cushions to scrape up enough loose change to buy a bag of dog food.  The founder owns no dogs.

Sol Ipsist, a spokesman for the website, when asked why federal monies should be allocated to support this dubious enterprise, pointed to the recent rescues of the insurance, financial, automotive, steel, and baked goods industries (it's coming!).  "I'm not saying we're as vital to the continued functioning of the American economy as some of those guys," Ipsist mumbled through chutney-stained lips, "but I'm NOT saying we're NOT as NOT vital either.  After all, the American economy has not functioned ONE DAY this year without a posting from The Solipsist," he continued italically, "and one is reluctant simply to ASSUME the continued smoothish functioning of the economy without this vital contributor."

President-elect Barack Obama could not be reached for comment.  But someone who has heard of Mr. Obama (and who requested anonymity on the grounds that a news release without at least one anonymous source would seem like the kind of thing that somebody just made up) was quoted as saying, "The Solipsist is, certainly, not too big to fail.  It is, however, not too SMALL to fail either.  In fact, it may be JUST THE RIGHT SIZE to fail.  According, therefore, to the Goldilocks theory of governmental spending, it needs to be rescued before it. . . well, fails." 

In order to meet operating expenses for the next three to four weeks, The Solipsist is requesting an immediate line of credit--or, even better, a large suitcase stuffed with fifties--in the amount of $7.3 million.  Mr.  Ipsist was quoted as saying that he will also accept vouchers to the Cheese Steak Shop.

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