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Monday, February 23, 2009

A Place for Everything and Some Things Out of Place

So how about those Oscar picks?  OK, so the Solipsist didn't pick "Slumdog Millionaire," but he was intentionally going with a dark horse.  And, heck, he got all four acting awards right despite having seen nothing but "The Dark Knight."  Any major-leaguer who bats .667 will end up in Cooperstown, right?  (Well, after they drain the steroids from his system, anyway.)

You're welcome!
Speaking of movies, YNSHC has been struck lately by a recurring theme on the SciFi Network.

Saturday nights, SciFi promotes what it calls "The Most Dangerous Night on Television."  By this they are referring to their 9:00 PM offering, generally a grade-B science-fiction/horror movie.  In addition to the standard fare of aliubs, buntants, zombies, and other science-fictional/supernatural menaces, the movies often launch from a premise of "more-or-less scary things in places where they're not supposed to be":

Sci-Fi logo. . . .
Ominous voice-over: Tonight, a SciFi original movie. . . .

Cut to: Ext., aerial shot, zoom in on a bustling airport terminal
V.O.: It started out like any other vacation. . . .

Cut to: Int., airport terminal, a happy family walks down a busy corridor, carry-on luggage in hand, a young girl skips along, holding a teddy bear.
Young girl: I can't WAIT to get to Disneyland!

Cut to: A group of young, ridiculously attractive men and women with backpacks.
Young Man #1: Dude, this is going to be the best Spring Break ever!

Cut to: A dark storage area, light and shadows, a crate rocks violently back and forth.
V.O.: . . .but nothing could prepare them for what comes next!
Blackout.  Sound of a crash and a roar.

Smash cut to a woman, running, looking back in terror, pursued by something monstrous.  As the camera closes in on her, she screams.

Cut to: Int. Office of Airport Manager.  Slade Pumpman, Airport Security Manager is screaming at a group of men in suits:
Pumpman: Damn it, Frank!  There's a puma loose in the airport!

Rapid sequence of people running, soldiers shooting, an explosion!

SciFi logo again: Pumaport!  Tonight at 9:00 on SciFi, the Most Dangerous Night on Television.

Of course, this genre had its apotheosis with "Snakes on a Plane," but SciFi must be commended for its commitment to the ideal.  Actual titles include "Chupacabra: Dark Seas," in which the legendary goat-sucker of Puerto-Rican myth manages to stow away aboard a cruise ship, as well as the more self-explanatory, "Disaster Zone: Volcano in New York" and "Sharks in Venice."

This got the Solipsist thinking: The possibilities are endless!

"Octopus! Nightmare in Montana."
"Mollusks on a Hammock!"
"Cats on a Boat!"
"Raptors in Memphis!"
"Badgers 3: Desert Terror!"
And for our Jewish readers: "Tref! Cheese on a Hamburger!"

The Solipsist would like to invite his loyal readers to submit their own titles.  Surely, the SciFi network would welcome the suggestions.

1 comment:

  1. "Rattitude: Evil Rodents in Your Midst""

    "Lemurs: Satan's Children"

    "Killer Wombats: Not Just After Aussies!"

    "Hamster Hell: Caged and Deported"

    "Sloths on Crack: Slow the Fuck Down!"