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Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Banking Bachelors

How many black suits do you suppose a typical funeral director owns?  Do you think he has just one that he mixes and matches with several shirts and ties, or does he have a whole closet full?

The New York Times reports that the government is preparing to publicize some of the results of the "stress tests" banks have undergone in recent weeks.  Mainly, this is meant to provide the citizenry with a clear, realistic picture of the bank, so as to avoid the panic that would invariably accompany rumors.  The question: Since this kind of information is not generally made public, should the government release it?

And how! They should make a whole show out of it--something like "The Bachelor," perhaps. Get the CEO's of all the biggest banks together, and Tim Geithner hands each of them a rose if they're financially solvent. Drama builds until only TWO BANKS are left. . . . Who will get the final rose? Will it be State Street? PNC Financial? "Oh, PNC," Geithner will sigh, "you touched me in places that I've never been touched before. Still, I see more of a future with PNC." PNC is handed the rose, State Street sulks out the door, and, over the credits, we see scenes from next weeks episode, wherein the competitors will have to compete to see who can make the tastiest five-course meal for President Obama and the finance ministers from the Group of Eight. Hilarity ensues!

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