From the journal of [REDACTED] (Translated from the Arabic.)
November 21, 2009:
Allah be praised! I have received word that I am to be released from this place of infinite torment. The word came down today that my brothers and I are to be transferred to a detention center on the mainland of the Great Satan! There, inshallah, we will wreak great havoc and mayhem! I pray only to be worthy of the opportunity that has been presented me.
November 28, 2009:
I arrived, blindfolded, at my new place of confinement. I believe we are in the very belly of the Great Satan, in a place called 'Illinois.' Everything is going according to plan. It will be a matter of days before my brothers and I can effect our escape.
December 9, 2009:
Tonight is the night! We escape at midnight. We have resolved to target the first major symbol of American imperialism that we see upon our liberation! Allahu Akhbar!
December 10, 2009:
A minor setback. The Americans seem to have removed all major symbols of American imperialism. Unless cows count?
I am told they do not.
We shall set out for the nearest town, where we will plan our next move after disappearing into the local population.
December 11, 2009:
Another minor setback. It has proven more difficult than we anticipated to blend into the local population. Thomson has very few Muslims and even fewer Arabic speakers. To be precise, it has no Arabic speakers. We did see one red-suited fellow who had the beard of a believer, but the name he called himself--Santa Claus--sounds Jewish. One of my brothers speaks some English and convinced the local population that we are Australian. We have secured lodgings but have not yet been able to locate a source of halal food: To be safe, we have eaten only of a local delicacy referred to as a "corn dog." We have been assured these contain neither beef nor dog. Tomorrow, we will find a target for our war against the Great Satan.
December 12, 2009:
I am forced to conclude that Thomson, Illinois, contains as many symbols of American imperialism as Pyongyang. There is nothing here! I grow depressed.
December 16, 2009:
For the last three days, I have not left our lodgings. I despair for my holy mission. I find myself with no energy. I stay in, eating an American delicacy known as "cookie dough ice cream," and I find this comforting. I have been watching much American television. I must say I find Ellen Degeneres quite charming: She would make a lovely wife.
December 17, 2009:
Allah be praised! Things are looking up! Having run out of cookie dough ice cream, I roused myself from my stupor and went down to the local market. There, I heard an elderly infidel speak lovingly of the town's "duck stands." He went on and on and on, the way Mullah Rafik goes on about olives. It is apparent these duck stands are at the heart of all the local residents hold dear. I have found our target!
Now I just need to find out what a duck stand is.
December 19, 2009:
As near as I can figure, a duck stand is a place from which people hunt ducks. Why this is of such totemic importance to Thomson residents is beyond me. The ways of Allah are mysterious. My brothers and I destroy the duck stand tonight!
December 20, 2009:
Brother [REDACTED] prepared a powerful explosive out of tea bags and duct tape. He needn't have bothered. When we reached the duck stand, we found a simple wooden structure, on which people presumably sit while waiting for ducks. Destroying it was child's play! It is early morning now. We settle back and wait to hear the howls of the infidel when he sees what the servants of Allah have wrought.
December 20, 2009 [later]:
Still no howls.
December 20, 2009 [later]:
Seriously, what's taking so long?
December 21, 2009:
I am chagrined. As the day passed with no howls of lamentation, I walked amongst the infidels to ascertain what had happened. Nobody was talking about the duck stand! I assumed they were traumatized. After all, after 9/11, very few people spoke of the attacks, right?
I couldn't resist the urge to visit the site of our holy triumph, so I walked out to the pond. There, in front of my eyes, what did I see? A NEW duck stand! Far from being traumatized, the residents of Thomson had simply retrieved some pieces of wood and rebuilt what we had destroyed! Worse still, they seemed unfazed by the destruction, perhaps chalking it up not to terrorism but to simple natural causes. Brothers, we must face facts: The residents of Thomson cannot be intimidated; what we destroy, they shall rebuild. We face a hopeless challenge.
Maybe the prison will take us back?
No comments:
Post a Comment