As reported the other day, the Solipsist has joined the "Amazon Associates" program. We half-jokingly declared our belief that this would lead quickly to wealth beyond our wildest dreams.
And what do you know? It HAS!!!
Now, don't get excited: Bear in mind that we expected to earn somewhere between nothing and zilch, so ANYTHING is beyond our wildest dreams. Still, we were pleasantly shocked (and, frankly, suspicious) to open our e-mail inbox and find that we were receiving a $100 Amazon gift card!
Sadly, this was not due to someone purchasing multiple copies of Catch-22 after reading our blog. In fact, it had nothing to do with our efforts at all. Apparently, Amazon is doing this promotion where, at the end of every month, they randomly select some number of "Associates" to receive prizes. They apparently hope the winning Associates will announce their good fortune in the blogosphere, thereby prompting others to sign up for the program. (Well, mission accomplished!) But we're not complaining: A $100 gift card is better than nothing! It's even better than a $99 gift card!
So, with this found money burning a hole in our inbox, we logged on to Amazon and started browsing. We found some books; we found some DVDs; we even found WOS this high-tech spatula she's been hinting about for months. We placed our order and went about our day. Of course, nothing can ever be simple.
A few hours later, we checked our e-mail and saw a confirmation letter from Amazon. We opened it. . . and saw that they had completely screwed up the order. We're not talking a tiny mistake, either: We're talking a complete and utter screwing of the proverbial pooch. Instead of a tidy shipment of books, DVDs, and kitchen utensil, we were apparently looking forward to a massive shipment from Swiss Colony.
If you're not familiar with the company, Swiss Colony sells gift baskets of meats and cheeses and candies and nuts. . . .Dad of Solipsist sends us a package from them every Christmas. The food itself is quite tasty. And, y'know, we like a good salted pork log as much as the next secular Jew, but this order was, as WOS might say, freakin' ridonkulous! It had to be well over $100 worth of merchandise: Scads of sausages! A chuck wagon of cheeses! A plethora of petits fours! Even if we WANTED all this stuff, there was no way we would have enough room in the shack's refrigerator to store it all!
We called customer service. After navigating the automated menu system for a good twenty minutes, we finally reached a human being. We explained our situation; we read him the confirmation number we received when we placed our initial order; we appealed to his sense of humanity. . . . Nothing!
"I'm sorry, Sir, but my computer shows the Swiss Colony order placed through Amazon.com."
"But we didn't ORDER that."
"Sir. . ."
"Look, look, we know you're just trying to do your job, but, come on! Isn't there something we can do?"
"There's nothing, Sir."
"But we ordered books!"
"I understand, but--"
"We didn't order twenty pounds of Wisconsin cheddar spreads!"
"Sir. . ."
"We didn't order 5 trays of Hearty Breakfast Meats!"
"I understand what you're saying, Sir, but. . ."
"30 POUNDS OF BALONEY?!?"
"Well,. . ."
"Come on, who in their right mind orders 30 pounds of baloney?!?!"
"Sir. . ."
"You have to admit, that is an insane amount of baloney!"
"I agree, Sir. It is a lot of baloney."
Just like this story we're telling you.
HAPPY APRIL FOOL'S DAY, EVERYONE!
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