BP Announces Plan to Plug Oil Well with Egret Carcasses

A Solipsist Exclusive

COUDE DE CANARD, LOUISIANA--Embattled oil giant British Petroleum today announced a plan to seal its gushing oil well below the Gulf of Mexico by plugging it with tens of thousands of carcasses of seabirds and other local deceased wildlife.

After the press conference, recently installed CEO Bob Dudley was refreshingly evasive, issuing a simple "No comment" through a spokesman. Gaffe-prone former CEO Tony "Toejam Tongue" Hayward held forth at length about BP's plans.

"Well, I think it's great," Hayward said. "You know, in England, we have a saying: 'When life gives you lemons, take those lemons and mush them into a cup of weak tea.' Here, rather than lemons, we have quite a great lot of dead egrets. And manatees and such.

"If you think about it, it's what we Brits call a 'win-win': We have a well that needs filling; those lovely shrimper-people have a marsh filled with cadaverous fauna. What better way to solve both problems? It's what London-folk refer to as killing two birds with one stone. . . . Or, killing two birds with a few hundred thousand dead birds. You see?"

The egret plan will replace the previous plan to perform a "static kill" with cement on the gushing well. BP spokeslackey Carl Ermendorfer explained that the company will not refer to the new operation as a "static kill," with its unfortunate connotations of murder, carnage, and heedless slaughter. "Operation Pelicanstuff," Ermendorfer explained, "is similar to a 'static kill,' but since we're not actually killing the birds, which are--let me make this emphatically clear--already quite dead, this operation is technically a 'static funeral.'"

To help spread the word about their new initiative, BP introduced its new costumed mascot, Chokey McFeatherton, an oily stork who will attend local school assemblies and tell students how happy he is to have his body provide service to the local community. BP will also set up "Chokey McFeatherton's Wild Ride" at a local park: children will be shot through a tube at high speeds into a water tank, thus approximating the journey that Chokey and friends will experience on their way to the well.

"Personally, I envy the birds," Haywayd said. "That wild ride looks like a lot of fun."

(Image from festivecostumes.com)