Wipeout

After years of knocking off luxury products like $2,800 Louis Vuitton handbags, criminals are discovering there is money to be made in faking the more ordinary — like $295 Kooba bags and $140 Ugg boots. In California, the authorities recently seized a shipment of counterfeit Angel Soft toilet paper.

--"Economic Indicator: Even Cheaper Knockoffs"

Recently, the Solipsist sat down with Sgt. Morton Lefkowitz of the Los Angeles Police Department, the officer in charge of the Toilet Paper Counterfeiting Task Force and spoke to him about the multi-million dollar Angel Soft bust.

SOL: Sgt. Lefkowitz, thank you for taking the time to speak with us.

ML: My pleasure.

SOL: Well, first, congratulations on the success of the Angel Soft operation. As someone who has experienced firsthand--well, maybe not firstHAND. We guess we should say--

ML: We get the idea.

SOL: Right. Well, as we were saying, having experienced the discomfort of counterfeit bathroom tissue or "toilet paper," we know how serious this issue can be. What first tipped you off to the problem with Angel Soft?

ML: Little things. For one, we noticed that a number of packages in the East LA area had "angel" spelled with "t."

SOL: Mm-hm. . .

ML: Another thing were the reports of consumers who tore open the plastic wrap on 12-packs and were immediately swarmed by hornets.

SOL: You've been working on this case for a long time. . .

ML: Thirteen years next October.

SOL: How much contraband was ultimately retrieved?

ML: We retrieved 6 truckloads of Angtl Soft with an estimated street value of $7.3 million.

SOL: That seems like an awfully high amount for toilet paper. . .

ML: Well, it is two-ply.

SOL: Of course. So tell us, Sergeant, when did you decide that you wanted to focus on toilet paper counterfeiters?

ML: It was back in the early 90's, around the time of the riots. . . .I just decided that being a cop could be really dangerous . . .

SOL: Mmm. . .

ML: Toilet paper just seemed like a relatively safe beat.

SOL: And has it worked out that way? Ever been shot at?

ML: Once.

SOL: Really?

ML: Yeah, we caught a tip back in '98. A group of Hungarians was bringing in a major shipment of black-market Japanese TP that had been manufactured out of whale placenta--real high-end stuff for a certain clientele.

SOL: Wait. People . . . .wipe with whale placenta?

ML: Sol, I don't want to tell you the things some people wipe with. . . . It'd turn your stomach. . . . I've. . . seen things.

SOL: Sorry to bring up some bad memories.

ML: Well, anyway. We got the drop on the Hungarians in a warehouse in South Central. They surrendered without incident, but my gun went off when I was breaking open a crate of paper.

SOL: So. . . you technically shot yourself. . . .

ML: Technically. . . .

(At this point in our interview, there was a rather prolonged and awkward silence.)

SOL: Well, Sergeant, on behalf of a grateful public, we would just once again like to thank you for all your hard work.

ML: All in a day's work, Sol.

SOL: Now, if you'll excuse us, we've got to go drop a waffle. And thanks to you, we'll be doing it with a feeling of great serenity.

(Image from Angel Soft)