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Friday, January 7, 2011

Cry Me a Cold Shower

Breaking news from the world of science--or, rather, SCIENCE:

Weeping is not an aphrodisiac.

After extensive research, scientists have determined that women's tears have an ingredient that acts as a sexual appetite suppresant, decreasing men's sex drive.

We wonder if the "turnoff" is, in fact, the tears. We suspect that bloodshot eyes, heaving sobs, and copious amounts of snot may play a small part in the romantic mood-killing.

It should be noted that the anti-aphrodisiac quality is found only in emotional tears, not in tears arising from physiological causes like cutting an onion or, presumably, getting kicked in the stomach. Good news for wife-beaters everywhere.

In order to test the de-arousing effects of tears, researchers had men "sniff" both women's tears and plain saline and then rate pictures of women. Those exposed to actual tears rated the women less attractive.

After sniffing, the men were also shown a "sad" movie: "The Champ." Researchers found that the men, whether they had sniffed tears or saline, experienced sadness after watching the movie, but that tear-sniffers "showed reduced sexual arousal and lower levels of testosterone." The most disturbing aspect of this finding is its suggestion of a "baseline" level of sexual arousal appropriate for men watching "The Champ." We think the young Rick "Don't Call Me Ricky" Schroeder was cute and all, but. . .really?

Future avenues of lachrymosal de-arousal research include the animal kingdom, where related phenomena have been observed: A study has shown that "when blind mole rats washed their faces with tears, it reduced aggression in other males." They were probably laughing at the moles who had just been tricked into washing their faces with tears.



  1. I want to get paid to do a stupid research study!

  2. First, and just for the record, on Tuesday's "No Ordinary Family" Schroeder was back to being billed as Ricky.
    Now, anent that research: The turn-off affect of crying could explain why nobody wants to do to John Boehner what he is so set on doing to the country.