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Wednesday, March 2, 2011


We apologize in advance to those members of the Nation with delicate sensibilities. If mindless violence towards the meek and helpless disturbs you, you may wish to forego today's column.

WAIT WAIT WAIT! DON'T FOREGO TODAY'S COLUMN! WE WROTE THE THING, AFTER ALL. Just, y'know, try to steel yourselves. . . .

OK, folks, once again, we see in the news that members of that most vile of profession--teachers--are engaging in unconscionable, egregious, violent behavior. . . towards furniture. The good news, though, is that--FINALLY--someone caught a teacher in the act and took appropriate action.

In Atherton, California, an eighth-grade math teacher has been placed on administrative leave for "rattling a table." The teacher--whose identity is being withheld to protect him from lynch mobs--abused the defenseless table in an attempt to "get the attention" of his students. One of his more attentive and presumably neurasthenic students was startled and immediately dialed 911. The police came and found "a calm teacher with a class in session." (No doubt the students were suffering from collective PTSD from witnessing the wanton violence.) The school placed the teacher on leave because district policy requires suspension for an incident requiring a "police response." We are, of course, thankful that this monster has been removed, albeit temporarily, from the classroom, but suspending a known table-rattler on such specious grounds is akin to prosecuting Al Capone for tax evasion!

Mr. Teacher-man, you are a role model to your students! You cannot go about rattling tables simply to "get students' attention"! Had you truly--truly--exhausted every other possibility for gaining control of your classroom? Clearing your throat? Saying, "OK, people. . . . Let's focus"? Waterboarding? Why take out your frustrations with the punks of Atherton on a table, whose only crime was to hold your notes and books and papers uncomplainingly all these years? We ask you, have you no sense of decency, Sir?

At long last, have you left no sense of decency?

"Teacher Rattles Table in Class, Student Calls 911"

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