10. CORLEONE MAFIA: Police in Italy arrested Gaetano Riina, the boss of the Corleone crime family. Yes, as in THAT Corleone crime family. Mr. Riina's attorneys are encouraging their client to plead not-guilty by reason of fictionality.
9. EMERGING MARKETS: Nervous about the global economy? Fearing the imminent demise of the American financial system? Well, move your money into two hot new emerging markets: Malaysia and Indonesia! Trade in your dollars for. . . let's say mokmoks and cowrie shells. (We made up one of those currencies. Can you guess which?) Look, we're all for poor countries becoming richer, but isn't this part of the reason that the US economy, to cite Jon Stewart's analysis, sucks: the fact that multi-gazillionaires shovel their money into low-wage principalities. How about a little domestic investment? We know, we know: How can investors make money as long as American workers insist on being paid enough to, y'know, live.
8. PATENTS: The big news here is that patents held by Nortel, a bankrupt telecom firm, have been snapped up by Apple and other companies for billions of dollars, proving that the best ideas come from those with, apparently, no idea how to put them into practice successfully.
7. GRACE KELLY: Her son is getting married. No word on whether she'll be attending.
6. BROOKE SHIELDS: She will play Morticia in the Broadway production of "The Addams Family. Is that still running? Producers were won over by her hilarious performance at this year's Tony Awards. Apparently, they thought it was intentional.
5. FRACKING: The Solipsist has already said everything he has to say on this topic (see "Frack This"), proving once again that we are even trendier than "Trending Now."
4. LINDA EVANGELISTA: Now it can be told: The New York Post reports that the father of her 4-year-old son is French billionaire Francois Henri-Pinault. The shocking part about this is not the revelation, nor the fact that Evangelista kept this quiet for so long. It's that Henri-Pinault went five-plus years without bragging about knocking up Linda Evangelista.
3. RYAN DUNN: The late, somewhat-lamented star of "Jackass," who died a few weeks ago in a DUI incident, is being memorialized by his castmates in an online video highlighting some of his greatest Jackass moments. We should take a moment to commemorate the passing of a man who died as he lived: moronically.
2. STEVEN TYLER: Aerosmith frontman and paraffin dummy Steven Tyler will return to "American Idol" next year. Somewhere in music heaven, Jam-Master Jay is shaking his head and thinking, "We resurrected the man's career for THIS?!?"
And, the number one trendiest topic of this moment is. . .
1. LINDSAY LOHAN: Today is the 25th birthday of the troubled ex-starlet. Personally, we hope she gets her act together. That Linda Lovelace biopic can't suck itself. (Yeah, we have no idea what that means either; we just thought it sounded good.)
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