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Tuesday, September 27, 2011


Yes, I got bored with the template.  It's good to switch things up every now and then, no?

Anyway, here are the top-trending stories as of 5:02 PM, Tuesday, September 27:

10. FRANKENSTEIN MOON: Legend has it that Mary Shelley, in the grip of a sort of "waking dream,"  wrote Frankenstein as a response to a literary challenge.  In her telling of the story of. . .well, of her telling of the story, she refers to a moon shining over Lake Geneva.  Literary scholars have questioned the veracity of this tale, because they have no lives and nothing better to do with their time.  Now, Donald Olson, a Texas State University astronomy professor, has established that Shelley was likely telling the truth--at least about the moon part--thus proving that he has even less of a life than literary critics.  Still, I'm glad to hear that Mary Shelley was not the lying whore I thought she was.

9. FLU VACCINE: There is NO shortage of flu vaccine.  In fact, there is a surplus.  CDC officials will hold a massive Flu-Vaccine-Watergun-Fight this weekend.  For the kids.

8. STOCK PRICES: The market closed up today primarily due to measured optimism about the European economic situation.  So we can all breathe a bit easier.  Until tomorrow, when stocks will presumably close down a bit and send us all into a tailspin of garment-gnashing and rending of teeth.  Or, y'know, the other way around.

7. CHRISTINA MILIAN: I have no idea who this is.

6. ELLEN DEGENERES: Ellen received a clean bill of health after suffering chest pains.  She says she feels fine.  Describing the pain, she said it "felt a bit like two cats standing on her chest."  I checked with WOS and confirmed that two-cats is, indeed, a mild level of chest-pain.  WOS cautions everybody, though, that, if you ever feel like the cat-weight-quotient is 6 cats or greater, seek immediate medical attention.

5, iPhone 5: When will it stop?

4. Susan Sarandon: Susan Sarandon is in the news because she joined the Wall Street protesters.  Susan holds a special place in the Solipsist's heart.  Years ago, I belonged to a children's theater company in Greenwich Village.  One afternoon, one of my castmates came squealing into the dressing room.  Flapping frantically, he said, "OHMIGOD OHMIGOD OHMIGOD--DO YOU KNOW WHO'S HERE?!? SUSAN SARANDON!!!"  Sure enough, the very pregnant, not-yet-Academy-Award-winning actress had come to take in the show, bringing along her kids and her latest boytoy, a rather tall chap who would grow up to be Tim Robbins.

Now, during the show, there was a point where I had to make an entrance through the audience, leaping up on stage.  Well, at that afternoon's performance, I was wearing new shoes, and, when I made my leap, my rear foot slid out from under me, causing me to smash my knee on the edge of the stage.  This hurt.  Rather a lot.  My first instinct was to let loose with a string of profanities that would make a sailor blush, but of course--this was children's theater.  The audience, while possibly sympathetic, would not have appreciated such an outburst.  I managed to slip offstage briefly to scream into a pillow, and then I spent the rest of the show--onstage--limping, grimacing, and saying my lines as best I could through gritted teeth.

After the show, the cast stood outside the theater to greet the children.  As she passed by, Ms. Sarandon shook my hand and said, "Nice job."  So I got to shake a hand that would later hold an Oscar.  And that's worth a bit of crippling pain.

3. LEISHA HAILEY: This is someone who's in the "L-Word."  She was kicked off a Southwest Airlines flight, apparently because she kissed her girlfriend.  Wait, that can't be right.  I mean, she's a woman.  They must mean "boyfriend."  Boy, Southwest is more uptight than I thought.

2. JOE NAMATH: Broadway Joe is catching flak for making fome critical comments about his old team.  I say, he's in the Hall of Fame, he's earned the right to critique.  Unless he's still wearing pantyhose.

And the number one trendiest topic of this exact moment in time is. . .

1. BRANDI GLANVILLE: . . . Yeah, I have no idea who this is, either.

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