Here are the top-trending topics on Yahoo! as of 4:33 PM PST:
10. KELLY SLATER: Mr. Slater just solidified his claim to being the world's greatest surfer at a tournament at Ocean Beach in northern California. Or, to put this in a language that I imagine surf afficionados would understand: The dude totally walrused the droogie out past the whipwam!
9. ANDROID TABLETS: For when your robot has a headache.
8. DEPRESSION: Nice to see that depression has made it back onto the trends list. For a long time, depression couldn't get arrested on Yahoo! It was all Restless Leg Syndrome this and Seasonal Affective Disorder that, but you can never go wrong with the classics. Depression is the Bob Dylan of mental disorders, and it's nice to see it getting the recognition it deserves.
7. POLICE SLAM OAKLAND MAYOR: That'll teach the Honorable Jean Quan to make fun of Sting's sweater.
6. BLAKE LIVELY: I've never been exactly clear on who this person is: Apparently, she's in "Gossip Girl" and "Green Lantern," so I'm assuming she's some sort of Asperger's kid who can only appear in things that begin with the letter 'G.'
5. DANCING WITH THE STARS: This completes this week's "DWTS" appearance on Thursday Trendwatch.
4. KATE GOSSELIN: The former mother of 8 (she had to return them to the studio when the show was cancelled) has bounced back nicely, becoming a featured blogger at CouponCabin.com. "CouponCabin.com"? And people made fun of The Daily Numeral?
3. WARDROBE MALFUNCTION: This is about the whole Janet Jackson Super Bowl Boob Flap. or Janet Jackson's Flapping Super Bowl Boob, but I had my own wardrobe malfunction earlier today, accidentally taking my pants off in the middle of an explanation of pronoun-antecedent agreement. AWK-ward!
2. KRIS JENNER: Mama Kardashian has revealed that she thinks she could have saved the life of Nicole Brown Simpson. Stunning. Kris Jenner had the opportunity to save the life of another human being--TWO human beings, Nicole and Ron Goldman. She could have spared the country the spectacle of OJ's low-speed bronco chase. She could have forestalled the searching conversations on race, celebrity, and the criminal justice system. Indeed, if her story is true, she literally had an opportunity to change the course of modern American culture and history, and while hindsight is 20/20, we could all benefit by taking a moment to reflect on what might have been. . . . But we won't because Jenner's daughter Kim Kardashian is dissolving her farce of a marriage. Ah, America!
And the number one trendiest topic at this moment in the space-time continuum is. . .
1. ZOOEY DESCHANEL: We've mentioned in this space that we really don't get Zooey Deschanel. Now comes news that she is divorcing her husband, Ben Gibbard, the frontman of Death Cab for Cutie. I didn't know they were married, but it makes sense: I've previously mentioned the fact that there's a quality in Gibbard's voice that makes me want to punch him in the face. The news of their divorce, though, makes me sad. They really had something: Unbeknownst to me, they formed the most annoying couple in the universe.