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Wednesday, January 9, 2013

Don't Hate Me for My Tranquility

Yes, I see you there, poor things, toiling away your pathetic lives at thankless jobs, yearning for workday's end, praying for the release that will come only with sweet, sweet death.  What can I say?  As a member of the professoriate, I can only shake my head and pity you, the Great Unwashed (and, y'know, you really should shower or something), who know not the true serenity that comes with holding the least stressful of jobs: Professor.

That's right, according to CareerCast (and they should know, 'cause they have "Career" in their name), "University Professor" is the least-stressful job for 2013.  To be fair, though, that should really be "tenured" university professor: Only the tenured truly experience the stress-free life: Autonomy, general lack of physical danger, a certain droit du seigneur with each semester's crop of new co-eds. . . .or, y'know, so I've heard.

But, seriously, don't be hating on your old pal the Solipsist.  Remember, the least-stressful job is UNIVERSITY professor.  Community-college professor, on the other hand--even of the tenured variety--falls farther down the list--somewhere between New York City cabbie and Taliban informant.  Every morning I wake up disappointed that I have not suffered a crippling stroke and must indeed face another hopeless day filled with the vacant stares of slack-jawed students, their obstinate silences punctuated only occasionally by sub-guttural mutterings devoid of insight or meaning or let's face it vowels--the constant fear of violence from colleagues who seek any opportunity to do violence--physical, psychological, emotional--for the simple pleasure of feeding, lamprey-like on the foul milk of human suffering. . . .

Maybe I should take up air-traffic control.

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