We all know certain topics that are off-limits for civilized debate. If you ever want to start a fight with a friend, a loved one, or your legions of Facebook followers, all you need to do is offer up the mildest of critiques on their views on religion, politics, abortion, gun control... But another equally inflammatory topic is missing from this list, one that far too many people bumble heedlessly onto, not realizing the number of friendships, marriages, and international peace treaties destroyed by unwinnable arguments: Coffee.
People defend their coffee habits the way ISIS defends the Koran--with only slightly fewer beheadings. Some, for example, are if-the-coffee-was-made-more-than-nine-seconds-ago-it's-pig-slop types, while others occupy a position of this-coffee-was-made-during-the-first-Bush-administration-but-I-don't-feel-like-making-a-fresh-pot-so-hand-it-over. On one ninety-degree day, I overheard a Starbucks barista question a customer's "extra hot" order: Said customer took off one of her earrings and punctured the poor guy's larynx. Understandably, no charges were filed. Seriously, people, it's not worth it.
Tea, by the way, is a perfectly acceptable debate topic. Not that people don't feel strongly about tea, but, let's face it, they're tea drinkers. What are they going to do? Crochet you to death?