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Sunday, March 1, 2009

The Tweets of Infamy

The New York Knicks' popular guard (and recent winner of the NBA's Slam-Dunk Competition) Nate Robinson has fallen victim to what must be the latest trend in cyber-crime, Twitter-Identity Theft.  It seems that someone calling himself "NateGreat" has been passing himself off as the diminutive baller, sending his subscribers "updates" on "Robinson's" activities.  Robinson seemed more amused than offended by this information, but the Solipsist was worried: If a cyberprankster took the time and energy to impersonate a relative nobody like Nate Robinson (he plays for the Knicks, after all), surely it was likely that someone--or a whole cadre of someones--was twittering in the Solipsist's name!

Sure enough, some virtual digging unearthed "NavlGazrBob."  Yes, Slopists--

(Digression: We're going to change the spelling to "Sloppists," so that people don't mispronounce it as "Slope-ists," which sounds like a group for geometry enthusiasts.  What's that?  WHAT people?  Shut up.  End of digression.)

--Yes, Sloppists, that's right: NavlGazrBob is NOT the Solipsist!  YNSHC is sorry to have to shatter your illusions, but the Solipsist does not tweet!  And, really, you probably should have figured out that NavlGazrBob was an impostor.  Admittedly, the signs were subtle, but a close reading of the tweets should have raised your suspicions.  Here, for example, a transcript from January 23:

1/23/09, 4:32 am: Just got up.  Cold 2day.  Stepped in mud on way 2 outhouse.  Ruined good shoe.

1/23/09, 5:57 am: Jolene burned the grits again.  Ate em anyway.

1/23/09, 8:58 am: At work.  Hog rendering plant smells usual.

1/23/09, 9:47 am: Mitch told funny Jew joke.  Ha ha.

1/23/09, 10:02 am: Bathroom break.  U don't buy coffee.  U rent it.

1/23/09, 10:04 am: This is taking longer than I spected.

1/23/09, 10:09 am: Texted Mitch.  He'll cover 4 me.  Whew.

1/23/09, 10:21 am:  Done!  Finally!

1/23/09, 12:03 pm: Lunch.  Chicken spread again!  :-(  Will talk 2 Jolene.

1/23/09, 12:48 pm: Finished lunch.  Traded sandwiches w Zack.  Turkey spread!  Yum.

1/23/09, 3:13 pm: Mitch told funny [redacted] joke about Obama.  Ha ha.

 1/23/09, 5:28 pm: Trouble @ the snout pit.  Note: Snouts go in the LEFT pipe.

1/23/09, 7:30 pm: Home again.  Wheel of Fortune.

1/23/09, 7:56 pm: Did well on WofF.  Guessed 2 puzzles.

1//23/09, 11:42 pm: Leno was funny.

Really, folks, the signs were everywhere.

So, for your future reference, only accept solipsizing from this licensed source.  This is the Solipsist, signing off.

Or is it?


1 comment:

  1. I kinda like the shorthand "Slops" as a monicker for your followers (all 2 of us). OK, maybe it's a little insulting, but definitely easier to pronounce & write!

    About Twitter: I think it's insipid. It may have some useful social network-ey functions, but really, how many people need to know I'm on the can or feeling hungry/horny/lonely/whatever???

    Talk about solipsism! But maybe that's what appeals to our dear correspondent. :-)