In what must be a nightmare vision for Arizona Governor Jan Brewer, the international multicultural lovefest that is the FIFA World Cup commenced today in that most racially enlightened of republics, South Africa. Governor Brewer, who has in fact modeled her administration on that of former South African premier P.W. Botha, could not be reached for comment. We have it on good authority, though, that the sight of all those Mexicans and black people engaging in sport and good fellowship in the tournament’s opening match sent a diarrheic chill through her nether regions.
We’ve never been great followers of the “beautiful game.” Like George Carlin, we believe that soccer cannot be considered a sport because it forbids the use of hands. We thought United States players were engaging in trash talk when they bragged about their ability to beat England with “both hands tied behind their backs.” Only later did we realize this was actually a team strategy to ensure they do not accidentally touch the ball (which, according to the official rules of soccer, would necessitate a caning). Indeed, Ukrainian soccer enthusiast Arman Talapoolhiuk had to be dissuaded from having his arms surgically removed in an effort to improve his chances of being selected for the national team: The coach pointed out that Talapoolhiuk’s legal blindness and lack of a left foot would have made him a long shot in any event.
As we write this, we are watching the match between RSA and MEX. Not much has happened yet, so we’re not prepared to provide out verdict on the World Cup. We were, nonetheless, impressed with the pre-match pageantry. Dignitaries from (we assume) Mexico and South Africa greeted each other, then shook hands with each member of the Mexican team, then with the officials, then with the members of the South African team, and finally with every spectator in Johannesburg’s Soccer City Stadium. This took approximately 19 hours. This was followed by the singing of the national anthems of Mexico and South Africa. We couldn’t help but notice (this is true) that the Mexican contingent in the stands was making a strange, semi-Fascist gesture throughout the anthem: A sort of chest-level salute that would not have looked out of place in 1936 Berlin. We’re not insinuating anything; we simply note that Mexican soccer fans appear to be crypto-Nazis.
Hey, prove us wrong, people!
OK, now that we’ve alienated the southern tier of North America, we’re ready for some futbol!
First a comment on the new visuals. They're pretty bland & blah. But, hey, it's what the blogs SAYS that counts, not its background.
ReplyDeleteSecond: If Soccer is not a sport because it forbids the use of hands, what does that make golf which forbids the use of excitement or interest.
Third: The Mexican chest pounding isn't Fascist. It's the normal reaction to breathing the air.
Being an odd duck anyway, I've never really gotten either "football" sports -- the European or the American. But I always wondered why Americans use their HANDS in FOOTball...
ReplyDeleteUnlike Anonymous, I do like the new visual, which I find MUCH easier to read then the black background before. I want you to know, Solipsist, that yours was the ONLY black background blog out there that I even put up with -- it is indeed the contents that count!!!