Fingernails IX

Nation, we’re frightened.

As if the oil spill weren’t enough; as if being on the brink of economic apocalypse weren’t enough to send a chill down one’s spine; as if a plethora of deadly viruses lurking just outside our immune system’s proximity detectors weren’t enough to send one scrambling into a protective plastic bubble, now we have to worry about homicidal birds!

Yes, Nation, on the bottom of the front page of the Times, we just saw the following headline: “A More Assertive Turkey.” THE BOTTOM OF THE FRONT PAGE?!? That’s where Times editors place the “other” news: the human interest stories, the police blotter, the story about the little town in Arkansas where everybody takes part in a Labor Day Marshmallow Festival--the LIGHT stuff. There is nothing “light” about killer turkeys!

What could this mean? Are turkeys running amok in the heartland? Have they developed intellectual capacities that make them the equal--or superior--of their erstwhile human masters? We, for one, will not take this lying down. We plan to defend our God-given right to earthly dominion from these gobbling avatars of doom! And we urge all members of Solipsist Nation to join our crusade. The fight will be hard, no doubt, but we must not bow down before this new breed of “More Assertive Turkey”! We must--

What?

What “country”?

Oh.

Ahem. . .

Well, that’s probably bad news, too.