Researcher Compares Apples and Oranges, Discovers Awful Truth

San Jose--Police are searching for a free-lance researcher and bike messenger who has been missing since Thursday night. Mitchell Renfro sent a text message to his cousin and sometime girlfriend, Terry McAdam, at 7:12 PM, informing her that he "had the evidence" and that "They" were after him. He has not been seen or heard from since. Police investigating the disappearance found numerous bound volumes in Renfro's apartment. According to friends, co-workers, and assorted pizza delivery men, Renfro has devoted the last several years to an extensive comparison of apples and oranges. "It started about five years ago, when Mitch was in college," said Renfro's dentist, Dr. Henry Wasserman of Redwood City. "He became troubled when someone told him that comparing Mick Jagger and an eggplant was like, well, you know, 'comparing apples and oranges.' He didn't get it, so I had to explain that this was what people said when you tried comparing two things that couldn't really be compared." According to Renfro's journal (vol. 6), he never accepted this non-comparability. "What's wrong with comparing apples and oranges?" he wrote. "They're both fruit, right? What's really going on here?" For the next several years, Renfro apparently spared no expense in his quest to determine why people refused to compare apples and oranges. His travels took him to Montreal, Indonesia, and the Vatican, where he escaped what investigators now consider to be the first of several assassination attempts. Police suspect that Renfro's final message indicated that he had finally completed his comparison and stumbled on to a secret that was never meant to be revealed. "I just hope he's OK, wherever he is," Ms. McAdam told reporters. "And if anyone is holding him, I can promise you that he'll only eat peaches from now on."