Thanks for stopping by! If you like what you read, tell your friends! If you don't like what you read, tell your enemies! Either way, please post a comment, even if it's just to tell us how much we suck! (We're really needy!) You can even follow us @JasonBerner! Or don't! See if we care!

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Sunday Paper Recap (Wednesday Edition)

As a beneficiary of grade inflation, we've never cared overly much about it. We never would have made it through the South North Westernburg School of Forestry and Dental Sciences with a 3.92 GPA without the boost provided by the ever-upward spiral of mediocrity. Still, we shudder at the fact that many of New York's college and university dining halls "failed" their recent inspections with the lowest grade awarded: C.

If a 'C' grade means that you have a minimum of 28 violations--28 roaches, 28 mice, 28 incidents of fry cooks couughing up ebola germs onto your bacn cheeseburger--what would earn someone an 'F' (if such a grade is even possible)?

It's this acceptance of baseline mediocrity that gave us such phenomena as President George W. Bush (he of the "Gentleman's C's" from Yale). It also explains why so many people have such problems with President Obama, what with his constantly sterling academic achievements: If he could have passed by just showing up, wasn't he just showing off? Sounds un-American.


From a study of longevity:

"[T]he single strongest social predictor. . .of early death was parental divorce during childhood."

Thanks a lot, MOS and DOS! You've doomed us to an early death!


Finally, psychological research has shown that people are more likely to remember things when they are presented in an unusual font. This has something to do with the fact that people devote more mental energy to "decoding" the information, which helps the brain store the information for later.

This is important information because there is something that the Solipsist has wanted to tell his followers for a long time. Because it is so immensely important (and, frankly, embarrassing), we wanted to make sure that, when we told you, you would remember it. We don't want to have to discuss it again. We didn't realize that simply putting the information into an unusual font would do the trick. So, here it is, in webdings:

The Solipsist has spent the last several years exploring the effects of sodium on otter reproduction. It turns out that sodium has no effect on otter reproduction. Also, otters really don't like to be watched when reproducing.

There. Now don't forget!

"Come On, I Thought I Knew That!"
"Eighty Years Along, a Longevity Study Still Has Ground to Cover"
"Student Gripes Have a Point: Campus Dining Fails Exams"


  1. No? Well what about others?

  2. 1. Millard Fillmore was a mediocre president. George W. Bush was to the presidency what the iceberg was to the Titanic
    2. The single strongest social predictor of early death is having Casey Anthony for a mother
    3. No