And so this is Earth Day. Bah! Humbug!
Sure, Earth Day was once filled with magic. We'd sit around our plastic tree, opening presents wrapped in recycled paper. . . then reseal the presents so we could use them again for Channukah. Conservation ruled!
That all changed around 1990. There was this huge Earth Day celebration in Central Park. We went to support the planet and see the B-52's for free. And we behaved as well as we could: We urinated against the thirstiest looking tree we could find. We threw away our styrofoam cups in the general vicinity of the trash receptacles. And what did we get in return? A poorly amplified rendition of "Love Shack" and a third-degree sunburn on our legs.
We've sat out every Earth Day since.
Today, though, we fight back! We will get in WOS's car (that's right--we won't even use the Prius), drive to a McDonald's ten miles away, and order the biggest, rain-forest-destroyingest meal we can think of. On the way home, we hope to run over a polar bear.
And if the Ghost of Earth Day Future comes and shows us a future wherein we lie dead amidst the ruins of a despoiled planet, we hope we're filled with formaldehyde, so we can continue wreaking our vengeance upon this thankless planet.
That'll teach you to sunburn us!