See what happens when you elect Democrats? For over seventy-five years, Twinkies have expanded the waistlines and decayed the teeth of sugar-addicts the world over. Along with cockroaches, Twinkies were presumed capable of surviving a nuclear apocalypse! But they couldn't survive the prospect of a second Obama term. Not one week after the President's re-election, the apparently emboldened Twinkie-making proletariat at Hostess Brands went on strike. Unwilling to meet the workers' radical demands--presumably including frills like living wages and decent working conditions--Hostess today announced a suspension of operations. The Twinkie, my friends, is dead!
It's not like we weren't warned. The job creators told us what would happen if we re-elected Obama. We all yawned when Papa John's CEO threatened to raise the price of pizza and/or reduce his workforce--mainly because we wouldn't eat his crappy pizza if he paid us. But now, with the bigwigs at Hostess going all John Galt on us, well. . . shit just got real!
Laugh all you want, but I have seen what the future has in store. At my college's bookstore, you know what's being sold as "snacks"? Pickles! Individually wrapped pickles floating in pouches filled with some kind of gelatinous brine! Suddenly Ho-Ho's don't sound so disgusting anymore, do they?
OK, maybe they do. I'll admit, Twinkies vs. gelatinous pouch-pickles is something of a Sophie's Choice. But at least it WAS a choice. We've gone from Sophie's to Hobson's! The creeping socialism feared by so many encroaches ever-so-much further on our beloved American freedoms! Today Twinkies, tomorrow freedom to assemble! Or, y'know, maybe Go-gurt, who knows?
That's it, I'm calling for impeachment. Oh wait, I think there was a republican (Reagan? Bush) in office the last time I actually ate a twinkie.
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