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Sunday, February 24, 2013

Check the Crappie's Testicles for Shrinkage

In today's Not-from-The-Onion news, the governing body of the sport of professional ice-fishing (yup) is instituting drug-testing requirements as part of a long-shot campaign to be included in the Olympics.  Think about it: Olympic ice-fishing.  Just when you thought the Olympics had maxed out their capacity for dullness by adding soccer!  (Oh, the majesty of the 0-0 tie!  The thrill of the 1-0 barnburner!)

I don't think this is a great idea--the inclusion of ice-fishing, not the drug-testing.  I mean, curling is bad enough.  Although maybe Olympic officials could combine the two sports: Curlers could slide their teapots (or whatever those things are) along the ice towards the spot where ice-fishers have camped out to await nibbles.  Fishermen earn points by dodging teapots, and curlers earn points by bowling ice-fishers into the frozen lake.  That I would watch.

In all semi-seriousness, though, I think the drug-testing authorities are taking the wrong approach.  I doubt many professional ice-fishers would test positive for performance-enhancing drugs.  After all, steroids, which can increase one's aggression, would seem ill-suited for a "sport" whose key to success is patience and the ability to sit still--on ice--for long periods of time.  On the other hand, since scoring is based on the weight of the fish caught, I would think certain growth hormones could be helpful: My point is, is anyone testing the fish?

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