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Thursday, February 28, 2013

Our Long National Nightmare Is Over!

After a couple of days of semi-heavy posts, I am pleased today to be able to bring you some good news: Guido, the missing Italian sausage, is back home!

In case you missed it, about two weeks ago, Guido--one of the famous racing sausage mascots of the Milwaukee Brewers--disappeared after a night of bar-hopping.  This will no doubt come as disappointing news to the other members of Guido's regular 12-step group, including his sponsor, Mr. Met.  Nevertheless, concerns for Guido's sobriety took a back seat to concerns for his very life, as his disappearance extended over days and weeks.  No ransom demands were made; no proof of life was given; even a hefty reward offered by a local mustard company (seriously!) produced no results.

Last night, however, two men--one cleverly disguised in a face-concealing hoodie

"lugged the larger-than-life link into [TJ Ryan's bar in Cedarburg, Wisconsin] just before 8 p.m. Wednesday, plopped him on a bar stool and warned staff, 'You did not see anything,' said bartender Jen Mohney.

'Like I didn't just see two guys plop a sausage on a bar stool,' Mohney said."

Ah, the Wisconsin educational system!  Must be all those overpaid teachers!  But I digress!

Guido did not immediately make himself available for comment.  Stosh, the Milwaukee Brewers' Polish Sausage, reported that Guido was physically fine.  "He's pretty shaken up, though," Stosh explained.  "You've gotta understand.  He's. . . seen things.  Things that no sausage should have to see."

Guido is expected to meet with police over the next few days.  The Brewers will also make a counselor available to help Guido deal with any lingering trauma.

1 comment:

  1. So Milwaukee (I lived there.) Very cute writing, Jas. You were long ago ready for the bigtime. I'd like to say I knew you when.