Following his surprisingly successful visit with North Korean leader Kim Jong-un, former NBA star Dennis Rodman was dispatched on a worldwide "basketball diplomacy" tour.
IRAN--Originally scheduled to meet with President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, Rodman insisted on meeting with Grand Ayatollah Ali Khameini. "I ain't travelin' 8 million miles just to meet no bench player," the Hall of Famer explained during a press conference. Granted an audience, Rodman ended up meeting with Khameini for nearly seven hours. The two discussed the effects of ongoing sanctions. Rodman also offered what he described as a blueprint for future nuclear negotiations with the United States and other nations.
According to Rodman, "It was nothin' official, you understand? Jus' some thoughts I came up with on the flight over. I explained to Ali K. that he needed to, like, offer some concessions--confidence-buildin' and shit--otherwise, ain't no way O. [President Obama] gonna stop cappin' on his ass."
After the meeting, Rodman and Khameini enjoyed a meal of lamb shanks and non-alcholic beer and took in a basketball game. Then Rodman had sex with two of the Grand Ayatollah's wives.
DAVOS, SWITZERLAND--Addressing assembled world leaders and captains of industry, Rodman presented a keynote speech entitled, "The Way Forward: A Keynes-Hayek Dialectic Approach to Stabilizing National Economies." In the speech, the two-time All-Star explained that "For a nation, addressing structural trade imbalances is like a basketball team improving its defensive rebounding statistics: It's not flashy, yo, but it's what wins championships."
After the speech, Rodman and economics Nobel laureate Joseph Stiglitz took in a basketball game and attended a "rave" in the neighboring resort town of Klosters. Stiglitz was arrested for indecent exposure, and Rodman had sex with three Princeton economists.
VATICAN CITY, ROME--Dropping in on the Conclave of Cardinals, Rodman created a bit of a stir due to his choice of wardrobe. Rodman apologized, explaining that a dress, pointy hat, and ruby slippers simply comprised his typical Thursday afternoon outfit and that he in no way meant to pass himself off as the Pope. "Still," Rodman quipped, "them Cardinals is my boys, y'know? And if they wanted me to be Pope, I'd be down with that."
The five-time NBA champion and two-time defensive player of the year told the College of Cardinals that the retirement of Pope Benedict XVI offered the Church an unprecedented opportunity to heal rifts caused by years of scandal and weak leadership. "Y'all gotta lay off the kids, y'know? That's just some messed up shit!" Later, Rodman and the newly retired Benedict took in a basketball game where, during halftime, Rodman participated in a wrestling exhibition and accidentally had sex with his opponent.